“Nicola, My husband won’t go to marriage counselling, I’m desperately unhappy what shall I do?”
“My wife refuses to speak to anyone, she says we are beyond help, it’s too late. Shall I give up?”
These are statements I hear time and time again, and to be honest I don’t blame a husband or wife if they don’t believe in traditional relationship counselling. Statistics report that 75% of people who see marriage counsellors are worse off or divorced after! An alarming statistic isn’t it.
That’s because the traditional marriage counselling model of going over the same problems, sharing where their husband/wife has hurt, angered or betrayed them does nothing but ignite more fear, hostility, and hopelessness. Instead what many married couples need when they are experiencing marriage problems is a plan of action, steps to move forward rather than dwell on the past. This was why I spent years in developing a marriage saving program that works.
But, putting that aside. Let’s say your marriage is falling apart, tension and distance is increasing and your husband / wife won’t get any help or listen to anything or anyone. What do you do?
Well, the way I look at is you have 3 choices if you find yourself in a struggling marriage.
1. Get a divorce which will inevitably be painful, stressful, not to mention expensive for all involved.
2. Tough out the marriage without working to improve it. Where you decide to accept that life, love and marriage has to be that way forever or at least until your children are a certain age.
3. Maturely face up to the fact that things aren’t working. You are miserable and that you may have to start saving your marriage on your own.
If this is your situation, let me tell you that it is possible to save your marriage on your own. I see women and men turn things around single-handedly all the time. It does not take two to tango…. this is a myth. In most forms of dancing Tango, Salsa, Ballroom, Bachata, one person (typically the man) leads the other. Saving your marriage works the same, all it takes is one person to lead, to take action and decide they want to be happier. You make up 50% of the marriage and with the right attitude and intention, you can have an 80% to 90% influence.
So what do you do if your partner refuses marriage counselling?
Never pressurise them or make them join relationship counseling, they will resist it and may even go out of their way to be right and prove it doesn’t work. This will definitely then be a waste of time and money. Instead, accept it and ask them if they mind if you start working on your side of the relationship with a program or expert.
Those that do start working on their marriage find that their spouse who was not interested in the beginning becomes interested. It’s hard not to be curious when they see a shift in their husband’s or wife’s behavior.
It’s important to remember that people rarely make lasting changes because we want them to, or try and make them, to bring about lasting change in your husband or wife you need to inspire them, motivate them, go first.
Nothing is worse than wanting change for yourself and life but believing that it is not possible because your happiness and bringing about change depends on someone else.
It doesn’t your happiness depends on you and so its your responsibility to learn the skills to help yourself and the marriage.
Many brave husbands and wives that joined the save my marriage program on their own shared it was a relief to finally be doing something to get out of that depressing stuck state, Women, and men, who had tried to ignore the warning signs, tried to pretend that they were fine with no communication, affection or attraction for years, finally snapped. When I witness the snap happen spouses go one of two ways – straight to divorce or look at making a difference themselves.
The next most common marriage counseling objection after the “I don’t believe marriage counseling will work is “we must be able to fix our problems on our own” or “private matters must be kept private”
If that is yours or your spouse’s way of thinking then that doesn’t mean you have to stay miserable in that have unhappy marriage either. You can join an online program, learn the actions it takes to transform a marriage either together or on your own.
This comes down to preference, it’s one of the main reasons why I created the 10 step, 10 week save my marriage online program. Step by step each week individuals or couples can get support, ideas and guidance to create the change they are seeking in themselves.
LET ME BE CLEAR, if this is your situation, I appreciate that you would much rather have your spouse join you in saving your marriage. I know that it’s difficult to see how you can make a difference alone. I understand that you may even think: “Why should I do it on my own?”
HERE’S THE THING, waiting for the situation to get better or to change will not work as a strategy for saving your marriage. Many people find that their relationship only gets worse when left unattended.
I have received many emails, from woman and men alike, who signed up for my program alone and made an amazing transformation in their marriage all on their own. In the end they ALL state that they wish they had joined sooner.
It breaks my heart when someone shares that they have left it too late and that their husband or wife has completely gone now, because they were waiting for the, to fix it. I hear this all the time. Where one person in couples that have barely communicated for weeks, months and years says I’ve had enough.
Whether with me and my program, self-help books, other marriage counselors or couple therapists you trust take action.
Don’t short change yourself. Your relationship, love, trust, respect can be built… so start building it today.
Don’t procrastinate on something as important as your marriage and happiness.
BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE. Don’t wait for your spouse. Lead the way! You may want to check out my free video with the 10 essential keys to marriage transformation.
If your partner is unwilling to get help, has emotionally or physically checked out or is having an affair, don’t give up unless you want to. One person can make all the difference and single-handedly change their future I see countless men and women do this all the time. So much so that I am constantly giving FREE access for spouses on my online save my marriage program. Even I was surprised to find that 40- 50% of those who join the program are men and women who started the journey without their spouse. I really admire their determination for a better life.
Don’t take my word for it, click here to read the case study of Linda who Single-handedly Saved Her Marriage & Transformed Resentment Into Love in Less than 45 Days
I hope her story may inspire you. As I mentioned before, whether with me or on your whatever you do, do something… even if it’s doing some online research. Awareness is the first step to change. Check out my free video for the 10 Essential Keys to Marriage Transformation http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/video/
From my heart to yours Nicola
P.S Want more guidance? Check out the FREE VIDEO – 10 Essential Keys to Avoid Divorce & Transform Your Marriage – hClick here to view – it’s the first step in my 10 step program that covers what is needed to make a shift in your marriage.
PP.S If you are wondering what the SAVE MY MARRIAGE ONLINE PROGRAM is – it is a 10 week program with full access to me. All you need is the internet to participate. Where you will get 10 audio recordings of the 10 transformational steps, plus 10 weekly private office hour sessions, where you get my undivided attention to your most pressing problems and questions, plus heaps of bonuses that support you to reduce anger, affair-proof your marriage and let go of past hurt and resentment. On top of this, to increase your closeness, I will give a list 100 activities for couples to try together. www.savemymarriageprogram.com/online
Nicola Beer is an International Relationship & Divorce Coach who helps her clients find peace and create a new beginning after Marriage Breakdown and Divorce. This includes helping couples on the verge of a breakup to resolve their relationship issues once and for all so that they can revive the love, passion, respect, and fun that's been missing.
As well as helping clients during and after Divorce to manage stress, create more income and adjust to new financial realities, redefine who they are, create a new social life, and when they are ready to attract someone great. Nicola also runs 2 parenting programs that support children through and after divorce
Nicola has combined 11 years' experience helping people with emotional issues. This comprises 7 years private coaching and 4 years as a volunteer for the Samaritans where she supported callers dealing with any emotional distress. She is UK certified in Coaching, Grief Recovery for Adults and Children, NLP, Time Line Therapy, Hypnosis.
Nicola's passion for supporting people before, during and after divorce comes from her own childhood, where due to the stress of divorce her mother suffered a mental breakdown. As 1 of 5 children the divorce was devastating for her family and affected each of her family in different ways. More recently Nicola's older sister with 4 children is going through a difficult divorce. Having experienced and seen the pain and stress associated with divorce Nicola is focused on proving solutions. She knows divorce doesn't have to mean disaster and takes her clients and their children from surviving to thriving. She is equally passionate about saving marriages, so has a program to overcome relationship problems.
Nicola works with expats and locals, Muslims and Non-Muslims from all over the world, mainly from Dubai, London, India, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, either in person for a 2 day intensive package or further afield US, Australia via video conference and phone.