As long as you are not TURE TO YOURSELF you harm your relationships. Finding out what prevents you from being true to yourself is vital for initiating the necessary changes and cultivate a successful intimacy.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN “NOT BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF”?
When you are NOT TRUE TO YOURSELF you don’t say or do what you would have want to in your relationship; you tend to agree to whatever your partner wants even when it doesn’t feel right to you. Not being true to yourself also causes you to not being true to your partner. This hinders any possibility of developing a healthy intimacy.
WHY AREN’T YOU TRUE TO YOURSELF?
You may perceive yourself to be “a nice person”; “compromising”; “all loving”; “flexible”; “understanding”. You are UNAWARE that these are MASKS you have learned to put on due to your NEEDS AND FEARS, hoping to be loved and appreciated by your partner.
Not being true to yourself at the beginning of a relationship might help you “ensure” that everything between you and your partner will be fine; that the two of you will love each other much and “agree with one another”. You feel your relationship is going “the right way”, but in the long-run, not being true to yourself and to your partner will harm your bond.
BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF means: being authentic and genuine about “who you are” and behaving according to what feel right to you, out of a sense of self-worth and empowerment rather than out of needs and fears.
If you fear that behaving according to your will might bring unpleasant consequences (such as criticism, judgmental reactions, punishments and rejection), you might prefer to ignore what you really want, and decide that in order to survive, the best is to NOT be true to yourself.
In order to not “rock the boat”, you then let things between you and your partner happen even if you don’t really agree to them. You’re afraid that if you’ll be true to yourself and express your desires, you might NOT meet the expectations of your partner; that he/she might criticize you; be angry with you; not love you; reject or maybe even abandon you.
THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR NOT BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF
As long as you are NOT true to yourself, you will not be able to develop, maintain and stay in a healthy, satisfying relationship. Time after time, when you’re in a relationship which, once again, is on shaky grounds, you might feel disappointed, frustrated, confused, and saying to yourself: “I gave so much!”; “I wanted it so badly”; “I tried so hard” – “so what has happened? What went wrong – again?”
It is NOT what you have done; it’s what you have NOT done! You have not been true to yourself; you did not behave according to what you truly want. That's why once again you have been accumulating anger and frustration and another relationship has either ended like so many in the past or continues on troubled waters.
RATIONALIZATIONS AND JUSTIFICATIONS YOU USE WHEN YOU ARE NOT TURE TO YOURSELF
When you’re not true to yourself and don’t behave according to your will and desires, you rationalize and justify to yourself why you accept the situation as it is:
* “After all, one can’t always do whatever one wants in a relationship”;
* “This relationship has a potential”;
* “One has to know how to sacrifice and compromise”;
* “I’ll never find a better partner anyway”;
* “The most important is that I have a relationship”.
When you use such rationalizations and justifications, it’s easier for you to continue behaving with your partners the way you did in the past, without being true to yourself, without respecting your own will, without being authentic.
WHY BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF IS VITAL FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP?
When you are not true to yourself, but rather try to “accommodate” to your partner - at times even at the expense of giving up your own needs, desires and beliefs - you harm any prospect for a healthy and truly intimate relationship.
Being true to yourself enables you to be “who you really are” and develop a sincere and honest relationship.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He is the author of more than 100 articles on the subject and of: “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship”. Available as eBook and paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relations...
More on Dr. Gil, his book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com