My boyfriend and I have been dating well over two years now and it’s safe to say we are pretty serious. We agree on most things, but we disagree about living together before marriage. I would like to live together, but he is completely against living with someone before marriage. He wants that last “new” feeling and believes if we live together beforehand, then why get married. So, I respect his decision because I know how strongly he feels about this issue.
One of my dreams is to one day get married and, at some point, house hunt with my significant other. Here's the issue that I had to work through. My boyfriend found a house that is in foreclosure. What does that mean? If he gets the house, then I just move in when we are married. This is probably a dream for many women, but not for me. I would like us to move in and experience this new chapter together. So, now he not only gets his way by us not living together, but now I don't get my dream of house hunting, contributing money for the house, and owning a home.
I thought to myself, "What fun is it for me to just move in?" I get to help him decorate the house the way he wants, with all his things and when he decides to get married, I then get to move in…Umm, not fun for me!
After much contemplation, I finally decided I needed to talk to him. I said "I need to get this off my chest and I’m going to just tell you how I "think" I feel ‘cause I’m not sure of how I’m feeling."
So, I blurted out that I was jealous, envious, scared, and worried about our future. Worried that I would resent him if we did get married and I moved in and he got everything "his way” in my eyes. It was such a relief to get that out. He looked in my eyes and with a clear response he made me feel good. We then shared our clear goals on our future and listened to one another.
I wanted to hear that my opinions and dreams matter; which after our conversation, I knew they did. I achieved this clear communication, and for me, that is huge! (thanks to therapy) :)
We achieve on so many levels and these achievements create and enhance our identity. Now I know to just speak up sooner next time and to not be so afraid for deep conversation that may or may not go too well.
Susan Vernicek, CEO of S&J Identity, Inc. Also known as Identity Magazine, an online magazine that empowers women to accept, appreciate and achieve.