Separated Husband Says He Misses Me: If Your Separated Husband Misses You, Does This Mean He Might Come Home

I often hear from folks who are quite torn as to what to think about how their separation is evolving. They are often seeing some improvement, but this has taken so long to happen that they hesitate to get their hopes up. They want to believe in the process and have faith that their spouse may soon be coming home or that the separation might be coming to an end. But they don't want to have their heart broken if this doesn't happen. And they don't want to do anything to apply pressure to the situation in the fear or negating the hard fought progress that they are already seeing.

You might hear a comment like: "for the first couple of weeks of our separation, it was pretty obvious that my husband was liking his freedom. He would resist my calls. He would never attempt to see me. And if I would get up my nerve and ask him if he missed me, then I would get a luke warm response. Well, for the last three weeks, I have finally started to see some improvements. Lately, he is taking the initiative to call me. He has started talking about memories that he had of our marriage (and they are finally good ones.) And he has started to let some sweet comments slip out. My question is does this mean he might finally come home?" Because at this point, that is really all I want him my life. I don't care about anything else. I feel that if I can just get him home, then I can worry at that point about solving our problems. But I feel like our marriage is so vulnerable when he's away. I worry that he might meet someone else or get into the habit of going out. Do you think that he might finally going to be coming home?"

I wish that I could see into the future and offer some reassurance but I can't. I can, however, tell you that seeing this sort of shift can be a very good sign. They key is to straddle the fine line of playing this correctly while not pushing too hard. Your husband may have some doubts and may want to move slowly in order to have the reassurance that the improvement that he feels is real. So the worst thing that you can do is to immediately get all excited and talk about or start pushing for him to come home right away. Because quite frankly, you don't want for him to come home if he still has doubts or if there is a chance that it is not going to work out.

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If you push before he is ready, then you are setting yourself up for him to leave again in the future when both of you are disappointed with how things proceed once he comes home. So below, I'll offer some tips on how to ensure that when he does come home, you have the highest chance that your marriage actually improves so much that you don't have to worry about him leaving again, because it's really no fun to always have that sense of dread wondering that he might not actually want to be with you.

Try To Build On The Positive Things That Are Happening And Realize That It's Best If He Is The One Who Mentions Coming Home: I know how tempting it is to want him to come home the second that you start to see some positive behavior. But there is a real risk involved in this strategy. Some of the time, this can cause a husband to back away because he's just not yet ready to take that leap, especially since you're only just starting to see some improvement. Instead, I think it's smart to try to enjoy the process for a while. Continue on with what you are doing because there is a chance that the improvement is due to whatever strategy you are using now (especially if you saw improvement after trying something new.)

Try to make the whole process fun and effortless for both of you. It's important that you try to be laid back about this process because you don't want for it to feel forced or awkward. If it does, your husband may doubt if it is legitimate or sincere. Try to create low pressure situations where you can bond and have fun.

Be Careful To Gauge Whether Your Relationship Is Ready To Work Through Your Problems: Now, while it is important for the two of you to eventually work out your problems, sometimes you have to wait until your relationship can tolerate this. Sometimes, you have to stop if you notice your husband getting defensive or if you feel resistance. At the same time, if you notice that you're able to discuss your issues or problems without great difficulty and you're seeing compromise and change that is bringing you closer, then that's a good sign that you can continue. It will only be to your benefit to try to improve things before or as he's coming home. But if you notice tension or that this is negating the progress that you have already made, then it is better to wait until things are more solid between you.

But to answer the question posed, although these are all very good signs, you can't predict if your husband will immediately be coming home. And you are better off just adding to the progress that you have already made and wait for him to bring up or request coming home instead of applying pressure.

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Every day it seems like I get at least one or two emails from someone wondering how to save your marriage when you feel like you're in it alone. This is a tough one because it makes the task harder than if both of you were committed to working through the problems together. It may seem at this point like your partner doesn't even care anymore! Although it's true that you can't force someone to stay in a relationship, there are ways to change how your spouse feels about the relationship. I discovered a plan that really works.

Although I am not a doctor or marriage counselor, believe me when I tell you that I have been in a similar situation to the one you are in right now. And I made so many mistakes in trying to save my own marriage that I actually made it worse. The worst mistake I probably made was going to marriage counseling with my wife because it actually made the problems even worse! When I found out later that marriage counseling statistically has about an 80% failure rate, I realized that I had better try a different approach.

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There is a difference from traditional marriage counseling and actually getting help from an expert at saving marriages. Most marriage counselors work from a faulty model where the focus is on individuals and communication. In reality, this rarely works well because it turns out that improving communication skills doesn't do much of anything to save a failing marriage. Often times it just teaches the couple how to fight better. When I found help from an expert at saving marriages, it opened up a whole new possibility for my marriage!

Here is some of what I learned:

1. The common mistakes that most people make when facing a breakup or divorce.

2. What to do, what to say and how to act around my spouse to change the way she was viewing our marriage

3. The focus should not be on me or my wife, but on the marriage itself

Things really began to improve when I made some very important discoveries about myself and about my marriage. I learned that by taking immediate action and trusting in the proven plan, that everything would work out. And it did!

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If you want to save a marriage, the first thing you should know that the fate of your marriage lies in your hands. You can save your marriage if you do the right things - do not doubt this at all. However, that is some sort of a double-edged sword as if you do the wrong things you will make matters worse and push your spouse further away from you.

So, to save a marriage, you need to distinguish between the good and bad things you can do. When my own marriage was in crisis (it was certainly heading towards divorce) I first did all the wrong things which accelerated the fall of our relationship. However, some time after I thought of getting outside advice, which guided me into doing the correct things instead.

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Wrong Things: Going with your instincts. You are desperate at this very moment, like I was; and are unable to think clearly, like I was. The desperation distorts your view and blurs your judgment. It almost always leads you to begging your spouse to save your marriage - which is a big mistake! So do not go with your instincts, and do not let your emotions overtake you.

Correct Things: The correct things you must do on how to save a marriage are methods you can employ that will change the psychology of your marriage. They will change the atmosphere; and will change your spouse's mind about you. These are things that very few people would be able to think of themselves. This is why you have to stop following what "you" think should be done and ask for outside advice.

I saved my marriage by getting some very precious outside advice on a situation I couldn't think about clearly. And this is exactly what you have to do, also.

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It is a sad but true statistic that one out of two marriages in the Western world ends up in divorce. Among Christian conservatives, the statistic is one out of three. This is alarming. It appears that even among Bible-believing Christians, the divorce rate is not far behind the rest of the Western world. What is more alarming is that this gap is closing.

As a minister, I would like to see a reduction in the rate of divorce especially among evangelical Bible-believing Christians. And I would also do everything I can to make this happen. This is because of the principles of marriage that are clearly stated in the Bible, which every Christian should adhere to:

1. God was the One who instituted marriage because it was not good for man to be alone. That is why after God made Adam, He made a wife for him, named Eve.

2. Jesus clearly taught that marriage should be life-long and that divorce should not be permitted other than because of unrepentant sexual immorality.

If this is so, why is the divorce rate among Christians on the rise? And more importantly, how can a Christian save his or her marriage from divorce? Well, the good news is that Christians have the Lord to turn to when marriage is at the verge of breakdown. Even so, this does not exempt us from our practical responsibilities to save our own marriage. Let me share some practical things to do.

In my many years of counseling, I have found the following steps should be taken to resolve Christian marriage problems and thus save the marriage:

1. Both partners must agree to try to save the marriage because it is Biblical to do so. God says in the book of Malachi, "I hate divorce".

2. Listen & talk to each other without condemning, criticizing or blame-shifting. Understand & empathize with one another. In the Bible, a verse in Ephesians states that we are to only speak words that edify and impart grace to the hearer. This is all the more important to do in the context of a troubled marriage.

3. Be completely honest with your partner. Share your heart with one another. Discuss your disappointments, hurts, offenses etc. with each another. Resolve whatever differences there may be with your partner in a spirit of love. Again, the Bible says you as Christians are to love one another as Christ loved you.

4. Go back to the earliest time when you felt something changed in your marriage. Try to discover the root causes of the breakdown in your relationship.

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5. Once you have identified the root causes, help one another deal with it. Be willing to change yourself; do not only expect your partner to change. Make it a point to pray with one another that God would help both of you to change.

6. Share your marital problems with someone you trust, for example a mature Christian friend or minister. Ask them to help and pray along with you. This is one of the privileges and benefits of being members of a church.

7. Be accountable to other Christian friends. The husband should be accountable to another Christian brother and the wife to another Christian sister. These people will come alongside to help the troubled couple to take the steps necessary for reconciliation.

8. If there is an affair with a third party, be willing to bring it out into the open. The Christian brother and sister to whom you are accountable should lovingly but firmly separate the third party from the couple. Here extreme sensitivity is called for because these are matters of the heart where very strong emotions are involved. This is especially so if the third party is also a Christian, perhaps even from the same church.

9. Rebuild, re-fire and rekindle the marriage relationship. Christian friends can help with the children so that you and your partner can have quality time doing things that reignite your love for each other.

10. Put in what was missing in your relationship. It might be encouragement, affirmation, support and understanding, interest in one another, concern or speaking each other's love language. Do not focus on problems of the past. Rather look forward to develop your relationship with each other in a fresh new way. After some years being married, even Christian couples may take each other for granted.

11. Since both you and your partner are Christians, spend time studying the Bible together on topics related to marriage, relationships, love, commitment, faithfulness etc. Allow God's Holy Spirit to transform you both into better marriage partners through the study of God's Word.

12. Here is something I always encourage if both partners are willing. At an appropriate time, have another formal exchange of vows before close friends and the minister. Don't wait till your marriage is deemed perfect before you do it. Renewed exchanges of vows of faithfulness towards one another seal your commitment as a couple once again.

13. At all times and throughout the process, pray and trust the Lord to work things out. It is God's will for the marriage to be saved. Of that, you can be certain.

Conclusion

Christians should marry for life according to the Bible's injunction. No matter what the problems are, God is there to help every Christian couple have a successful marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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