By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.
Starting over is really difficult when it comes to love and marriage. Getting a divorce, breaking up, or losing the one you love due to their death can be overwhelmingly painful.
The simple truth is this – you entered into your loving relationship with another person expecting it to last forever. But all acts of love are, we are afraid to say, not everlasting.
As the old song goes, “Breaking up is hard to do” – whether that breakup is due to death or falling out of love – the pain is still not minimized. It is hard to start over. It is downright challenging to find true love again.
For nearly three decades, we have studied successful love and relationships. We know what makes love and relationships work. But the truth is, sometimes relationships – started with the best of intentions – don’t work. And sometimes, and regrettably so, the one you love dies.
If you are faced with finding new love, we have discovered some simple truths that will help you make the appropriate transition to new love. If you pay close and particular attention to the following seven secrets for finding love again, you will be well on your way in your pursuit of new love.
1. Get healthy -- mentally and physically. Take time to heal and stabilize. You can't make appropriate decisions "off-balance" or in an unhealthy state. Get well first! You will be much better served. The best decisions in life come when you are healthy. Believe us when we say this!
2. Understand, rebound love is rarely successful. Heading right into a relationship on the rebound can only lead to disaster and disillusionment if you are not ready. You think you are in love with your rebound love, but rebound love is usually not a lasting love. Allowing yourself to recuperate from your loss or break-up will give you a better perspective before beginning your next relationship.
3. Look for love in the right places. Recognize that your next love will come along when you find someone who shares your interests. You need to develop your interests -- be it kayaking, camping out, social events at your place of worship, dancing, or whatever strikes your fancy. You need to find your comfort zone -- a place where you can find happiness. You are much more likely to attract a potential mate if you go to places where the likelihood exists that there are others there who share your interests.
4. Count your blessings and enjoy what you have! If you have beautiful children, good health, and friends and family who love you unconditionally, you already have more than most people have in this world. Take stock of the things in your life that really matter and then focus on your blessings.
5. Be ready to give love unconditionally. Knowing that love is a gift, you need to be able to feel good about giving love away with no expectation of getting anything in return. To do this takes real confidence and trust in yourself.
6. The best things in life come your way when you least expect them -- when you are content to let nature take its course. The "butterfly of life" has this simple lesson -- if you find yourself in a meadow and there are butterflies all around, always remember, if you grab at the butterfly, it will fly away. If you just sit under a tall Oak Tree and enjoy all the love the butterfly brings, it will gently land on your shoulder. Don't try so hard to find love. Be patient and it will come your way.
7. Always judge people you are interested in by their actions and not by their words. Words don't matter -- only actions! You can learn a lot about a person by observing them. The simple truth is, most people are what they are -- and you can't change them -- you can't fix them. Pervasive characteristics – those recurring patterns of thought and behavior that guide actions – do matter. The litmus test of love is always about actions and behaviors -- not words! These are among the most important lessons of life.
We hope that you find your new love and that you find him or her soon. Having companionship is one of the most cherished gifts of life and love. Never forget these simple lessons for finding love again.
In love and marriage the simple things matter.
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For marriage advice and hundreds of practical tips, get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts : The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley) Available wherever books are sold.
Winner of the INDIE Book Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book
Winner of the Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book
As America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts and award-winning authors, Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz help international audiences answer questions about love, marriage and relationships. With 30 years of research on love and successful marriage across six continents of the world and their own 45-year marriage, the Doctors know what makes relationships work.
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