If you have been failing in your relationships time and again, you might have resorted to self-manipulations to justify to yourself why you fail. Instead of doing so, become aware of the true reasons behind your failures – and learn how to succeed!
JUSTIFICATION YOU USE
If you have been on the dating scene for quite a long time and haven’t yet had success in developing a satisfying relationship, it is very likely that you find different ways to justify it. You might be telling yourself that:
* “It is all because of him/her”;
* You didn’t really want a committed relationship;
* “The time wasn’t ripe yet”;
* You’re too busy pursuing your career at the moment;
* You are a special person who needs someone special.
* And so on.
The problem is that you do yourself disservice with such justifications and explanations. Rather than admitting the true reason(s) for your failures, you prefer to find excuses. Doing so apparently “helps” you to feel “better” about yourself, but will keep you sabotaging your attempts at relationships since you will not embark on a way to change your attitudes and behaviors.
Not allowing yourself to admit the “truth” happens sometimes out of ignorance and lack of Self-Awareness. You believe in your own convictions and excuses; you don’t consider, even for a minute, that you might be using self-manipulations. When this is the case:
* You might be tell yourself you are a person who “loves people” who therefore “falls in love” very easily, “proving” to yourself that this is why you always have a partner.
But could it be that you are actually controlled by the fear of being alone which drives you to jump right into a new relationships the minute your old relationship fails?
* You may view yourself as a very friendly person who finds it easy to make friends and enter a relationship.
But could it be true that you are driven by insecurity and the need to feel you are desired?
* You may perceive yourself to be a person who has much love to bestow on your partner. But could it be that it is not “so much love” that drives you, but the need to be loved and appreciated?
* You may tell yourself you have a genuine, in-born willingness to give whatever you can to your partner.
But could it be that you are driven by neediness to receive and your giving is intended (unconsciously) to “get back” thanks and appreciation from your partner?
* You might perceive yourself as a person who is liberal and free, who view men and women as having same rights, one who doesn’t hesitate to go to bed on first date and start a relationship “the morning after”.
But is it possible that you are actually driven by low self-esteem and insecurity, afraid that if you won’t go to bed on first date you won’t hear from your date again?
As long as you don’t become aware of, realize and acknowledge your self-manipulations, you will continue behaving in the dating scene and in relationships out of fears, needs and dependency, and won’t be able to develop a healthy and successful relationship.
You will then resort to explain your failures using various justifications.
JUSTIFICATION YOU MIGHT USE AS SINGLE WHEN YOU FAIL TO DEVELOP AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP
“This is my destiny”
“You can’t always find whatever you want in life”
“It is all a matter of waiting for my soul-mate”
“I’m actually too busy to start a serious relationship”
“Everybody ‘out there’ wants to jump to bed too quickly, this is not my style”
“Having a partner is not my priority”
“I don’t really expect to get much out of all this ‘dating game’; I’m in it just for the fun”
“Being single is really ‘the good life’; I think it fits me well”
Still, you might be continuously “working hard” on finding a partner with whom to develop a relationship. You work on your profile; enrol on various dating sites; chat with others and date them. Unsuccessful in extending a date to a serious relationship you turn to these justifications, not realizing that what you do is actually an act of self-manipulation. And as long as you use excuses and justifications to explain the situation you are in, rather than taking steps to figure out why you are in such a situation and how to change it, you will probably stay with the same situation, same issues, same disappointments and same failures without finding a way to solve these.
HOW CAN YOU STOP JUSTIFYING YOURSELF AND FIND OUT WHAT MAKES YOU SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
It is very “easy” to keep doing whatever you are used to doing. It doesn’t require any change, any risk of admitting to yourself that something is wrong with you. It is just a matter of finding the “right” justification which will enable you to “understand” and explain – to yourself as well as to others – how come you haven’t yet found your “soul-mate” and haven’t yet been successful in cultivating a satisfying relationship.
But as the saying goes: “if you’ll always do what you have done until now, you’ll always end-up where you are”.
Therefore, if you are truly and sincerely interested and motivated to figure out what is keeping you from developing the relationship you desire, you need to get up the courage to inquire what hinders your ability to cultivate such a relationship. It is likely that your needs, fears, unrealistic expectations and fantasies stand in your way; that you attitudes, reactions and behaviors harm your attempts.
It is only when you get up the motivation and the courage to look inwards, get to know and understand what makes you sabotage your attempts at developing a serious relationship, that you will be able to make the necessary changes and become empowered to develop a successful relationship.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., a university teacher, workshop leader, counselor and consultant, is Expert in the interplay between Self-Awareness and Relationships. He has written many articles on the subject (http://relationship-self-awareness-advice.blogspot.com) and is the author of “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: http://amzn.to/eAmMmH