If you have been failing in your relationships time and again, you might have resorted to self-manipulations to justify to yourself why you fail. Instead of doing so, become aware of the true reasons behind your failures â and learn how to succeed!
JUSTIFICATION YOU USE
If you have been on the dating scene for quite a long time and havenât yet had success in developing a satisfying relationship, it is very likely that you find different ways to justify it. You might be telling yourself that:
* âIt is all because of him/herâ;
* You didnât really want a committed relationship;
* âThe time wasnât ripe yetâ;
* Youâre too busy pursuing your career at the moment;
* You are a special person who needs someone special.
* And so on.
The problem is that you do yourself disservice with such justifications and explanations. Rather than admitting the true reason(s) for your failures, you prefer to find excuses. Doing so apparently âhelpsâ you to feel âbetterâ about yourself, but will keep you sabotaging your attempts at relationships since you will not embark on a way to change your attitudes and behaviors.
Not allowing yourself to admit the âtruthâ happens sometimes out of ignorance and lack of Self-Awareness. You believe in your own convictions and excuses; you donât consider, even for a minute, that you might be using self-manipulations. When this is the case:
* You might be tell yourself you are a person who âloves peopleâ who therefore âfalls in loveâ very easily, âprovingâ to yourself that this is why you always have a partner.
But could it be that you are actually controlled by the fear of being alone which drives you to jump right into a new relationships the minute your old relationship fails?
* You may view yourself as a very friendly person who finds it easy to make friends and enter a relationship.
But could it be true that you are driven by insecurity and the need to feel you are desired?
* You may perceive yourself to be a person who has much love to bestow on your partner. But could it be that it is not âso much loveâ that drives you, but the need to be loved and appreciated?
* You may tell yourself you have a genuine, in-born willingness to give whatever you can to your partner.
But could it be that you are driven by neediness to receive and your giving is intended (unconsciously) to âget backâ thanks and appreciation from your partner?
* You might perceive yourself as a person who is liberal and free, who view men and women as having same rights, one who doesnât hesitate to go to bed on first date and start a relationship âthe morning afterâ.
But is it possible that you are actually driven by low self-esteem and insecurity, afraid that if you wonât go to bed on first date you wonât hear from your date again?
As long as you donât become aware of, realize and acknowledge your self-manipulations, you will continue behaving in the dating scene and in relationships out of fears, needs and dependency, and wonât be able to develop a healthy and successful relationship.
You will then resort to explain your failures using various justifications.
JUSTIFICATION YOU MIGHT USE AS SINGLE WHEN YOU FAIL TO DEVELOP AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP
âThis is my destinyâ
âYou canât always find whatever you want in lifeâ
âIt is all a matter of waiting for my soul-mateâ
âIâm actually too busy to start a serious relationshipâ
âEverybody âout thereâ wants to jump to bed too quickly, this is not my styleâ
âHaving a partner is not my priorityâ
âI donât really expect to get much out of all this âdating gameâ; Iâm in it just for the funâ
âBeing single is really âthe good lifeâ; I think it fits me wellâ
Still, you might be continuously âworking hardâ on finding a partner with whom to develop a relationship. You work on your profile; enrol on various dating sites; chat with others and date them. Unsuccessful in extending a date to a serious relationship you turn to these justifications, not realizing that what you do is actually an act of self-manipulation. And as long as you use excuses and justifications to explain the situation you are in, rather than taking steps to figure out why you are in such a situation and how to change it, you will probably stay with the same situation, same issues, same disappointments and same failures without finding a way to solve these.
HOW CAN YOU STOP JUSTIFYING YOURSELF AND FIND OUT WHAT MAKES YOU SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
It is very âeasyâ to keep doing whatever you are used to doing. It doesnât require any change, any risk of admitting to yourself that something is wrong with you. It is just a matter of finding the ârightâ justification which will enable you to âunderstandâ and explain â to yourself as well as to others â how come you havenât yet found your âsoul-mateâ and havenât yet been successful in cultivating a satisfying relationship.
But as the saying goes: âif youâll always do what you have done until now, youâll always end-up where you areâ.
Therefore, if you are truly and sincerely interested and motivated to figure out what is keeping you from developing the relationship you desire, you need to get up the courage to inquire what hinders your ability to cultivate such a relationship. It is likely that your needs, fears, unrealistic expectations and fantasies stand in your way; that you attitudes, reactions and behaviors harm your attempts.
It is only when you get up the motivation and the courage to look inwards, get to know and understand what makes you sabotage your attempts at developing a serious relationship, that you will be able to make the necessary changes and become empowered to develop a successful relationship.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., a university teacher, workshop leader, counselor and consultant, is Expert in the interplay between Self-Awareness and Relationships. He has written many articles on the subject (http://relationship-self-awareness-advice.blogspot.com) and is the author of âThe Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: http://amzn.to/eAmMmH