Have you ever noticed that in many of your relationships that one person seems to have all the power while the other one is in the hunt to stay in the game? If you find yourself in relationships like this you will continue to attract them until you change your patterns. Many of us are desperate for love. Many of us are desperate for attention. Many of us are desperate for affection. Many of us are desperate for validation. In being this desperate we often set ourselves up to get into relationships with all the wrong people.
First and foremost if we feel desperate for any of the above mentioned things we are already starting relationships off on the wrong foot. Any time we are feeling desperate we are essentially feeling a lack within which makes us feel out of control. The feeling of desperation drives controlling behavior where we start to try and push people into meeting our frantic needs. We begin shape- changing to become what we think the other wants. We do too much, spent too much money, give too much, try too hard, talk too much, and push too much all in an effort to get something so simple…..love. Why does love feel so darn hard to get? Because many of us are desperate. Let’s look at how to take the desperate out of it.
Here are some basic facts and quick tips:
Fact: When we never feel desired or appreciate enough we will likely attract someone who will be distracted and unresponsive. Why? Because we are coming from lack and lack can be very annoying to others. This means the other will find ways to find everything interesting, but us. When we are feeling undesirable or under- appreciated we tend to get angry. This anger leads to trying control and guide the other person on how to be better in relationship with us.
Our demands and complaining increase and so does the micromanagement in guiding the other. The more we try to guide and control the more unresponsive the other person will become and the more desirable you will find them. This is when you start the pattern of chasing. We always seem to want what we feel we cannot have. It is a very messy trap that is often confused with love.
Quick tip: Whatever you chase will run away. The most powerful thing you can do is turn away from the person you are chasing and provoke in them the response you are looking for…for them to notice you.
Fact: When we feel we are not getting our ‘enough’ of love we get back to being desperate. The greatest mistake made out of desperation is being too nice. At first our pleasant and pleasing ways may seem appealing to others but it soon gives way to being seen as fake, needy and boring. We end up trying too hard to please and this makes us seem insecure and therefore not attractive.
In general people seem to be the most attracted to that which is not so pleasing and predictable. We seem to be interested in people who hold a little mystery to them. Confident people are mysterious. Confident people seem unphased and able to focus on their needs with no doubt. Everyone has their insecurities and that is human, normal and ok. However, if you act desperately out of those insecurities you will find that whatever you chase will run away. You become anti-seductive all in the name of love.
Fact: The second greatest mistake made out of desperation is becoming too controlling. When we feel desperate we feel out of control, and to gather some form of stability we try and control our partners. This will only serve to drive our partner away. The ironic thing is when we try and control others, we are the only people who seem out of control. The more we try and control something the more unattainable that thing will become. Therefore, the center of control in our lives needs to remain in focusing on ourselves.
Quick tip: Any time we are feeling out of control, this is the time to scale back and focus on making our own life more delicious. We need to Commit to our work and passions, exercise and focus on our health and body, eat right to keep our beautiful shape and our emotions balanced, go out with friends, get a pet, read a great book. We have to love ourselves.
Fact: Love is an emotion which has no boundaries. It has no quotas and cannot co-exist in its entirety with insecurity. Insecurity serves to block intimacy. Love that is desperate is not love. It is control. Learning to love is essentially learning to let go. We can let go and learn that when we do by not doing…..everything will get done. People who are able to let go and who allow life and relationships to take their natural course are always seen as attractive because they operate with a certain confidence that they will end up in the right relationships with those whom they are meant to be with.
Fact: Many of us suffer from people pleasing and trying too hard. We try too hard to overcompensate for our own perceived insecurities. I say our own perceived insecurities because unless we are advertising what our insecurities are most people would never know we are insecure. Keep your insecurities to yourself. If you are feeling insecure something is very clearly missing in your own life. Figure out what that missing thing is and provide to yourself.
Quick tip: If you feel insecure about your appearance then take control and do what you can to change what you don’t like. You are powerful. If you don’t like being insecure then take control of that by placing more love and focus on making yourself happy. You have the power to take control of whatever in your inner world causes you to feel less than. When we try too hard it just deepens our lack of self-worth.
Fact: Focusing on ourselves isn’t about abolishing insecurity. It is about not allowing our insecurities to drive us into chasing people and relationships in an effort to capture love. Our insecurities are not meant to go away. If they are used correctly they can lead the way into a deeper emotional healing. If you are insecure take care of that insecurity before you take care of a relationship.
Quick tip: If we have insecurities about love, about our appearance, or about our trust in the world then we have to take care of it. Know it is there and give it the proper attention. Read about how to heal such insecurities and take the action steps necessary to do so. When we learn to do this for ourselves we will see that we become much less desperate in love, for love and because of love.
Fact: When we are feeling out of control or desperate that is our sign not to try and control what it outside of us, but rather to go inside and to take care of that emotion. We need to go inside and have a nice long visit with whatever is driving us to be desperate and work on stopping our urge to go in and try and control someone else to make us feel better inside about ourselves.
When we are acting crazy, we know it inside, and so do others. There is no one outside of us that can really make us feel better about this. We need to take a step back when we feel out of control and refocus our priorities. We are essentially the only thing we have any control over. If we are not grounded within ourselves we will drive love away. So, we must grab our wits about us, go inside, and focus on ourselves.
Quick Tip: when we love ourselves we are happy people and happy people are attractive inside and out. They carry a certain aura about them that is enviable to others. We are all capable to developing this natural happiness within. It takes effort, creativity and commitment. We are the controller of our thoughts. If we can have keep a strong positive mind and see the gifts in adversity we are sure to achieve the types of relationships which we desire in our lives.
Fact: We have to stay committed first to ourselves. For example, if we have plans we keep our plans no matter who calls and if we don’t feel like doing something for someone we don’t do it. It is important to learn to assert ourselves in this way so people can really know who we are instead of who we are trying to be to make them happy. It is best to be loved for who we are in our truth. Remember courage dominates fear. We have to step up and be ourselves. When we take charge of this, we become mysterious, more unpredictable, not so available and much more attractive.
Quick tip: We are beautifully who we are and if we don’t find ourselves beautiful then we have self-examination work to do. The goal is to get ourselves to the place where we are strong enough to set our way. Stop chasing as it is wasteful and only serves to lower self-esteem and to increase our desperation.
Fact: There is really no reason to be desperate about anything if we get ourselves into the belief that there is enough of everything for everyone. Let me assure you there is enough love, enough money, and enough time for all things to fall into place. It comes down to each person working their insecurities, studying them, learning to understand them so they can take the desperate out of the insecurity. Insecurity drives desperation and desperation drives love away which makes people even more insecure. Clearly there is only one place to start if we are to take the desperate out of love. Start by loving yourself. You come first and everyone else comes second.
Little life lesson: When you feel out of control learn to scale back and focus on yourself. You are the only thing you can control.
Sherrie Campbell Ph.D.
My name is Sherrie Campbell, and I am a psychologist in private practice, and author for several magazines.
Please see my website