Articles from Sam Vaknin
- Why Do We Love Sports? - by Sam VakninThe love of - nay, addiction to - competitive and solitary sports cuts across all social-economic strata and throughout all the demographics. Whether as a passive consumer (spectator), a fan, or as a participant and practitioner, everyone enjoys one form of sport or another. Wherefrom this ...
Views: 13
- Why Do We Love Pets?The presence of pets activates in us two primitive psychological defense mechanisms: projection and narcissism.
Projection is a defense mechanism intended to cope with internal or external stressors and emotional conflict by attributing to another person or object (such as a pet) - usually ...
Views: 16
- A Typology of Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder - by Sam VakninTypology of Codependents
Codependence is a complex, multi-faceted, and multi-dimensional defence against the codependent's fears and needs. There are four categories of codependence, stemming from their respective aetiologies:
(i) Codependence that aims to fend of anxieties related to ...
Views: 15
- Narcissistic Mothers and Their Children - by Sam VakninInterview granted to Samantha Cleaver for YourTango.com
Q. What are some common ways that a mother's narcissism can affect her daughter's relationships?
A. Depends on how narcissistic the mother is. Narcissistic parents fail to recognize and accept the personal autonomy and boundaries of ...
Views: 18
- Narcissistic Injury, Narcissistic Wound, and Narcissistic Scar - by Sam VakninNarcissistic Injury
An occasional or circumstantial threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist's grandiose and fantastic self-perception (False Self) as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment and recognition, regardless of his actual accomplishments (or lack ...
Views: 203
- A Classification of Abusive Behaviors - by Sam VakninAbusive conduct is not a uniform, homogeneous phenomenon. It stems and emanates from multiples sources and manifests in a myriad ways. Following are a few useful distinctions which pertain to abuse and could serve as organizing, taxonomical principles (dimensional typologies) in a kind of matrix. ...
Views: 110
- Do Narcissists Have Friends? - by Sam VakninQuestion:
Do narcissists have friends?
Answer:
Not in the usual sense of the word and not that they know of. The narcissist is one track minded. He is interested in securing the provision of Narcissistic Supply emanating from Narcissistic Supply Sources. His world is as narrow as an ant's, to ...
Views: 255
- The Narcissist's False Modesty - by Sam VakninQuestion:
I met many narcissists who are modest – even self-effacing. This seems to conflict with your observations. How do you reconcile the two?
Answer:
The "modesty" displayed by narcissists is false. It is mostly and merely verbal. It is couched in flourishing phrases, emphasised to ...
Views: 128
- The Narcissist's Multiple Grandiosity - by Sam VakninQuestion: Is the narcissist confined in his grandiose fantasies to one subject?
Answer: This apparently simple question is more complex than it sounds. The narcissist is bound to make use of his more pronounced traits and qualities in both the design of his False Self and the extraction of ...
Views: 96
- Female Narcissists - Gender and the Narcissist - by Sam VakninQuestion: Are female narcissists any different? You seem to talk only about male narcissists!
Answer: I keep using the male third person singular because most narcissists (75%) are males and more so because there is little difference between the male and female narcissists.
In the manifestation ...
Views: 180
- Do Narcissists Have Emotions? - by Sam VakninOf course they do. All humans have emotions. It is how we choose to relate to our emotions that matters. The narcissist tends to repress them so deeply that, for all practical purposes, they play no conscious role in his life and conduct, though they play an extraordinarily large unconscious role ...
Views: 172
- The Stable and Unstable Narcissist - by Sam VakninQuestion:
Is the narcissist characterised by simultaneous instabilities in all the important aspects of his life?
Answer:
The narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and Ego functions) from other people's reactions to an image he invents and projects, called the False Self (Narcissistic ...
Views: 33
- Can the Narcissist Help Himself? - by Sam VakninIn the book describing the fabulous tales of Baron Munchhausen, there is a story about how the legendary nobleman succeeded to pull himself out of a quicksand marsh – by his own hair. Such a miracle is not likely to recur. Narcissists cannot cure themselves any more than other mental patients do. ...
Views: 91
- The Compulsive Acts of a Narcissist - by Sam VakninQuestion: Are there compulsive acts unique to the narcissist?
Answer: The short and the long of it is No. In general, there is a strong compulsive strand in the narcissist's behaviour. He is driven to exorcise internal demons by means of ritualistic acts. The narcissist's very pursuit of ...
Views: 68
- The Somatic and the Cerebral Narcissist - by Sam VakninQuestion:
Are narcissists mostly hyperactive or hypoactive sexually and to what extent are they likely to be unfaithful in marriage?
Answer:
Broadly speaking, there are two types of narcissists, loosely corresponding to the two categories mentioned in the question.
Sex for the narcissist is an ...
Views: 177
- The Narcissist’s Reaction to Deficient Narcissistic Supply - by Sam VakninQuestion:
How does the narcissist react when he fails to obtain enough Narcissistic Supply?
Answer:
Very much as a drug addict would react to the absence of his particular drug.
The narcissist constantly consumes (really, preys upon) adoration, admiration, approval, applause, attention and ...
Views: 112
- The Development of the Narcissist - by Sam VakninWe are born with abilities of the first order (abilities to do) and of the second order (potentials, abilities to develop abilities to do). Our environment, though, is critical to the manifestation of these abilities. It is through socialisation and comparison with others that we bring our ...
Views: 45
- Self Love and Narcissism - by Sam VakninQuestion:
What is the difference between self-love and narcissism and how does it affect the capacity to love others?
Answer:
There are two differences between healthy self-love and pathological narcissism: (a) in the ability to tell reality from fantasy, and (b) in the ability to empathise and, ...
Views: 40
- The Narcissist and His Family - by Sam VakninWe are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one that we are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires – a whole emotional baggage – from the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception.
The narcissist has a ...
Views: 44
- Narcissistic Blame Game - The Guilt of Others - by Sam VakninQuestion:
Am I to blame for my husband's/child's/parent's mental state and behaviour? Is there anything that I can or should do to help him or to reach him?
Answer:
Self-flagellation is a characteristic of those who choose to live with a narcissist (for a choice it is). Constant feelings of ...
Views: 132
- The Narcissist's Addiction To Fame And Celebrity - by Sam VakninQuestion:
Are Narcissists addicted to being famous?
Answer:
You bet. This, by far, is their predominant drive. Being famous encompasses a few important functions: it endows the narcissist with power, provides him with a constant Source of Narcissistic Supply (admiration, adoration, approval, ...
Views: 108
- Homosexual and Transsexual Narcissists - by Sam VakninQuestion:
What is the typical profile of a homosexual narcissist? Why is he always on a lookout for new victims? Is he lying or is he telling the truth when he says that he "wants to get laid" by one and all? If he is not suicidal, is he not afraid of AIDS?
Answer:
Research failed to find any ...
Views: 45
- Depression and the Narcissist - by Sam VakninQuestion:
My husband is a narcissist and is constantly depressed. Is there any connection between these two problems?
Answer:
Assuming that these are clinically established facts, there is no necessary connection between them. In other words, there is no proven high correlation between suffering ...
Views: 29
- Adolescent Narcissist - A Case Study - by Sam VakninDonovan, 16 years old, is incapable of loving and, therefore, has never loved you, his mother (or, for that matter, anyone else, himself included) in his entire life. His natural capacity to love and to return love was all but eliminated by his horrid childhood. We practice loving first and ...
Views: 40
- Is The Narcissist Ever Sorry? - by Sam VakninQuestion:
Doesn't the narcissist ever feel sorry for his "victims"?
Answer:
The narcissist always feels "bad". He experiences all manner of depressive episodes and lesser dysphoric moods. He goes through a full panoply of mood disorders and anxiety disorders. He experiences panic from time to ...
Views: 43
- Narcissists and Psychopaths - Responsibility and Other Matters - by Sam VakninQuestion:
The narcissist is not entirely responsible for his actions. Should we judge him, get angry at him, be upset by him? Above all, should we communicate to him our displeasure?
Answer:
The narcissist knows to tell right from wrong. He is perfectly capable of anticipating the results of his ...
Views: 38
- The Narcissist And Psychopath Getting Better - by Sam VakninQuestion:
Can a narcissist ever get better and, if not, how should his partner end a relationship with him?
Answer:
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a systemic, all-pervasive condition, very much like pregnancy: either you have it or you don't. Once you have it, you have it day and ...
Views: 33
- Narcissists In Positions Of Authority - by Sam Vaknin"He knows not how to rule a kingdom, that cannot manage a province; nor can he wield a province, that cannot order a city; nor he order a city, that knows not how to regulate a village; nor he a village, that cannot guide a family; nor can that man govern well a family that knows not how to govern ...
Views: 25
- Exploitation by a Narcissist - by Sam VakninQuestion:
In his drive for Narcissistic Supply, would the narcissist be callous enough to exploit the tragedy of others, if this were to secure him a new Supply Source?
Answer:
Yes. I compare Narcissistic Supply to drugs because of the almost involuntary and always-unrestrained nature of the ...
Views: 45
- The Spouse / Mate / Partner Of The Narcissist - by Sam VakninQuestion:
What kind of a spouse/mate/partner is likely to be attracted to a narcissist?
Answer:
The Victims
On the face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who typically "binds" with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes. The initial phases of attraction, infatuation and ...
Views: 36
- Narcissistic Parents - by Sam VakninQuestion:
What are the effects that narcissistic parents have on their offspring?
Answer:
At the risk of over-simplification: narcissism tends to breed narcissism - but only a minority of the children of narcissistic parents become narcissists. This may be due to a genetic predisposition or to ...
Views: 31
- How to Cope with a Narcissist? - by Sam VakninNo one should feel responsible for the narcissist's predicament. To him, others hardly exist – so enmeshed he is in himself and in the resulting misery of this very self-preoccupation. Others are objects on which he projects his wrath, rage, suppressed and mutating aggression and, finally, ...
Views: 46
- The Narcissist's Grandiose Fantasies - by Sam VakninQuestion:
What happens to a narcissist who lacks even the basic potential and skills to realise some of his grandiose fantasies?
Answer:
Such a narcissist resorts to deferred Narcissistic Supply which generates an effect of deferred grandiosity. He forgoes his grandiose schemes and gives up on ...
Views: 39
- An Overview of the Narcissist - by Sam VakninTherapy, in most cases, cannot cure the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), only mitigate and ameliorate the condition by modifying some of the narcissist's behaviours.
Only narcissists, who go through a severe life crisis, tend to consider the possibility of therapy at all. When they attend ...
Views: 106
- Shame, Narcissism, And A Meaningful Life - by Sam VakninWe all have a scenario of our life. We invent, adopt, are led by and measure ourselves against our personal narratives. These are, normally, commensurate with our personal histories, our predilections, our abilities, limitations, and our skills. We are not likely to invent a narrative which is ...
Views: 34
- The Conflicts Of Therapy - by Sam VakninDisclaimer
Statistically, the majority of abuse victims are female and most abusers are male. Still, we should bear in mind that there are male victims and female offenders as well.
Ideally, after a period of combined tutoring, talk therapy, and (anti-anxiety or antidepressant) medications, ...
Views: 43
- Recovery And Healing - by Sam VakninVictims of abuse in all its forms – verbal, emotional, financial, physical, and sexual – are often disorientated. They require not only therapy to heal their emotional wounds, but also practical guidance and topical education. At first, the victim is, naturally, distrustful and even hostile. ...
Views: 27
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - by Sam Vaknin(I use "she" throughout this article but it applies to male victims as well)
Contrary to popular misconceptions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Acute Stress Disorder (or Reaction) are not typical responses to prolonged abuse. They are the outcomes of sudden exposure to severe or extreme ...
Views: 35
- The Psychopathic (Antisocial) Stalker - by Sam VakninStalking is a crime and stalkers are criminals. This simple truth is often ignored by mental health practitioners, by law enforcement agencies, and by the media. The horrid consequences of stalking are typically underestimated and stalkers are mocked as eccentric and lonely weirdoes. Yet, stalking ...
Views: 78
- The Narcissistic Stalker - by Sam Vaknin"Such a one (the narcissist – SV) is encased, is he not, in an armour – such an armour! The armour of the crusaders was nothing to it – an armour of arrogance, of pride, of complete self-esteem. This armour, it is in some ways a protection, the arrows, the everyday arrows of life glance off ...
Views: 47
- The Erotomaniac Stalker - by Sam VakninThis kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands "on your behalf", talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The ...
Views: 38
- The Stalker As Antisocial Bully - by Sam VakninStalkers have narcissistic traits. Many of them suffer from personality disorders. The vindictive stalker is usually a psychopath (has Antisocial Personality Disorder). They all conform to the classic definition of a bully.
Before we proceed to delineate coping strategies, it is helpful to review ...
Views: 40
- Statistics Of Abuse And Stalking - by Sam VakninBefore we proceed to outline the psychological profile of the stalker, it is important to try and gauge the extent of the problem by quantifying its different manifestations. More plainly, studying the available statistics is both enlightening and useful.
Contrary to common opinion, there has been ...
Views: 29
- Coping with Your Stalker - by Sam VakninAbuse by proxy continues long after the relationship is officially over (at least as far as you are concerned). The majority of abusers get the message, however belatedly and reluctantly. Others – more vindictive and obsessed – continue to haunt their ex-spouses for years to come. These ...
Views: 35
- Interacting With Your Abuser - by Sam VakninHaving chosen your team of consultants and experts – and having hired their services – relegate any inevitable contact with your abusive ex – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant. Work with these qualified third parties to extricate yourself and your ...
Views: 30
- Working With Professionals - by Sam VakninSelecting the right professional is crucial. In the hands of an incompetent service provider, you may end up feeling abused all over again.
Go through the following check list before you settle on a divorce attorney, a financial consultant, a tax planner, a security adviser, or an accountant. ...
Views: 32
- Befriending The System - by Sam VakninIn the process of mediation, marital therapy, or evaluation, counselors frequently propose various techniques to ameliorate the abuse or bring it under control. Woe betides the party that dares object or turn these "recommendations" down. Thus, an abuse victim who declines to have any further ...
Views: 33
- Conning The System - by Sam VakninEven a complete battery of tests, administered by experienced professionals sometimes fails to identify abusers and their personality disorders. Offenders are uncanny in their ability to deceive their evaluators. They often succeed in transforming therapists and diagnosticians into four types of ...
Views: 31
- Testing The Abuser - by Sam VakninIt is clear that each abuser requires individual psychotherapy, tailored to his specific needs – on top of the usual group therapy and marital (or couple) therapy. At the very least, every offender should be required to undergo the following tests to provide a complete picture of his personality ...
Views: 35
- Your Abuser In Therapy - by Sam VakninYour abuser "agrees" (is forced) to attend therapy. But are the sessions worth the effort? What is the success rate of various treatment modalities in modifying the abuser's conduct, let alone in "healing" or "curing" him? Is psychotherapy the panacea it is often made out to be – or a nostrum, as ...
Views: 41
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