I want to address an important issue from my reader, about guys who lose their sexual mojo when they're settled with you (something that isn't very uncommon -surprise, surprise- which is the main reason why my marriage fell apart). So here it goes:
I have been with the same man for almost 3 years and only in the first week of begining to get sexual did I NOT have to initiate sex. After that it was ME EVERY TIME who had to begin things. It's a real bummer. I even asked him within the first 6 months if he could take a bit more active roll. He said he would, but never did. I have since asked him several times, but he won't do it.
When we have sex he enjoys it very much and tells me he does. He even asks me every other day if we can make love when I get home, but still, it is always up to me to initiate, to take action during it and make suggestions. He will never just take control. I personally like it when a man will not always wait for me and take over. Not always, but sometimes!
Sometimes he reminds me of an adolescent female that has to be led through sex because she is shy or inexperienced. He is neither! I have tried waiting to see how long it would take him to initiate sex. Well, I once waited for two weeks before I had to gave in and do it myself.
This weekend he asked again if we could have sex in the morning because we were so tired at night. I said, "Oh yes, oh course!"
In the morning he would cuddle, but never tried to do anything else. I thought, "I could start it again, but I WANT him to this time." Nothing happened. He got up and made coffee.
My answer: there are many different reasons to this.
When I first met my ex, sparks flew and we had passionate sex first night we met -like 5-6 times overnight. It was definitely the best, most surreal, most connected sex I had with a total stranger. That was how strong our animal attraction to each other was.
But he was at that time so used to once-a-week sex (he was with a girlfriend before they broke up in which they were cool with once a week).
It was quite a shock to his system because I wanted it all the time and he wasn't prepared for it. After the first night, he very much settled to his old ways.
He could never adjust to my libido. And I would throw tantrum -I didn't know better back then: I was so used to getting what I wanted in relationship. I later stopped doing that but the damage was done.
He shut down over time. He said sex with me was like a chore (find out other reasons why he is pulling away).
I was hurt thinking most guys would kill to have sex with me, and this guy is now telling me sex is like work with me? What's wrong with me???
That's the brief history of what went wrong with our relationship.
He sometimes wondered if it was his depression or the anti-depressants he took from time to time or lack of testosterone or night shift work he did. It probably was all of those things. Whatever it was, it didn't help us, I was resentful and felt uncherished.
You will know overtime if your libido is just much higher than his. And if that's the case, there is little you can do about it. Guys relax a bit after they won you over. The wooing and efforts lessen over time because they feel secure being with you. It's a good thing, but then you will feel it right way when things don't feel right.
Another reason is: when a woman is way too aggressive sexually, he loses his "manly" polarization with you. A male friend said (mind you, though, he's more like an artist, feminine-energy man) that when a woman initiates sex all the time, it feels like "rape" to him.
I don't know what category your man belongs to.
Another reason is, men just slow down after the initial phase of courtship. They get "immune" being with the same woman for months or years. It's part of their biology to require a little bit of variety.
So what to do? It was a good idea that you tested him and allowed him to initiate sex and it took you two weeks till you couldn't stand it anymore so you had to do that yourself.
What about spicing up your sex life? Porn? Role plays? Exploring each other's fantasies? Or improve your oral or handjob skills (here's the tips how to make him PUTTY in your hand).
Whatever works as long as you both are comfortable with it shouldn't be excluded.
Or what about spicing up your sex life with dirty talk? Most guys love it when you talk dirty to them during sex. Learn the secret to make them so turned on that they can't resist you!
If you understand the Language of Desire any man will melt each time he hears your sexy voice. In fact he will associate your voice with erotica and ecstasy. It's only possible because sex is in the brain, first and foremost.
So tease him to death, titillate his most licentious fantasy with this Art of Talking Dirty that arouses his most acute erogenous zone: his brain
And don't forget aging: a guy in his 40's is not like his old self in his 20's or even 30's. Men's sexual peak is when they're 18, and women's is when we're 37 (that's why there are a lot of cougars on the prowl and much older guys going out with much younger gals, cause sexually it works better).
Be inviting and seductive but don't get too insensitive about his manhood: guys are very sensitive about their sexuality. Make him feel like a greek god you worship and he will do his best to satisfy your desire. Tell him much and often how much he turns you on and how great you feel each time you're making love to him. Stroke his ego -don't overdo it but shows how much you are digging him -through oral sex, especially because guys feel the love of a woman through how much she enjoys going down on him.
Now, as long as he's okay you initiate -ask him- and he will be so lost in ecstasy and he can't say no, it should be okay. Don't ditch him just because you are the one who gets horny without being much prompted -consider yourself lucky that you belong to the rare insatiable sex Goddess that many men can only dream of having. I asked a man I used to date about this and he said he didn't mind at all and he usually got so aroused he had to give in to "my agenda."
You just inspire him, his next move is purely his manly decision. What's wrong with that?
Everybody wins and is happy. Isn't it the main thing?
She further wrote: "We have a good relationship. But it is not perfect. I don't think anyone's relationship is perfect. For some reason he likes me to start all the sex.
I am not at all saying our sex life is not good. he is the best I have ever had. Our communication has greatly improved over the last few months, but I think he had it ingrained in his brain that it is sexy to have the woman initiate everything. I wonder if he really is shy about that.
Maybe I should ask him some day."
Yes ask him but remember: don't try to change a man, take it or leave it.
It's only a problem if you see it as a problem and you're resisting what is. Acceptance will change everything.
Now, don't get discouraged by all these challenges in your relationship. Learn the secret that will make your man wants you more inside and outside the bedroom:
This article is one of the breakup series I write. Please check my author page for more articles on the subejct or join me in my ex-back support group and relationship forum for more tips on how to deal with your breakup and how to get yourself on the path of getting your love and your life back. Please also follow me on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/katarina.phang for my daily nuggets of reflections/insights/advice and tips on attracting and maintaining a lasting relationship and fixing a broken one.
Katarina Phang is an author, love/life coach specializing on reuniting couples and curing troubled relationship. She is finishing her 4th book, a self-help book/memoir on her experience of dealing with breakup and how to get on the reconciliation path. She founds a free ex-back support group and relationship forum http://gettheloveyoudeserve.info.