What to Do When You're Facing Divorce

To be or not to be that is the question...," is uttered by Hamlet in William Shakespeare's famous play Hamlet. He makes this statement when he is trying to decide whether or not to kill himself. I find this quote to be so apropos to the situation of making the decision to divorce or not. For facing the end of a marriage, even if you are the one who wants it, is similar to going through a death.

Commonly divorces are messy, sad, hurtful, painful, and sometimes very nasty. If there are children involved, it is even worse. It is by far one of the most difficult experiences one can go through. Therefore, the decision to get a divorce should not be made lightly, in jest, or in a fit of anger. It should only be made once you have tried absolutely everything possible to heal yourself and your marriage.

Couples usually end up at the place of facing a divorce because they erroneously believe, "If I get a divorce and get rid of him/her everything will be better." Or they may fantasize about the "perfect" spouse and how much happier they would be if could find that perfect one. The problem with this thinking is that it is not taking into account that they are taking themselves with them! You see, until we face ourselves, look at what is really going on within us, and then heal those things, we will continual to end up unhappy. In fact, we will continue to blame our unhappiness on our partner, our job, our kids, or our life.

The truth is that there is not a person (no matter how great they are and how much they love you), a place, or a thing outside of yourself that will "make" you happy. Happiness is a state of being that can only be "made" by one person? You.

When I am working with couples facing divorce, I strongly encourage them to work on themselves within the marriage first before they make this life altering decision. I explain to them that running away from the marriage or their spouse is not the answer. For if, they do not "deal" with themselves first, they will end up picking the same type of partner and end up in the same position down the road.

Once this has been done- meaning each person has worked on themselves and then the marriage?if the couple decides and knows 100% that there is no way possible their marriage can work, it is time to make that decision.
At this juncture, we focus on ending the marriage with dignity, respect, and honor. We address and go through the process of grieving and healing which is necessary to move forward in a healthy way. If there are children involved, we also focus on shifting the marital relationship into an effective and friendly co-parenting relationship so that the children are as protected as much as possible and damaged as little as possible. This is incredibly vital for it is more so the children who are most negatively affected by the divorce-even if they are not outwardly showing it.

So, if you find yourself facing, "To divorce or not to divorce...," take your time, make every possible effort to work on and heal yourself, work on and heal your marriage, and then and only then make the decision if you are certain it is the absolutely right thing to do.