When the pain comes.....

By Martine Brennan

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When the pain comes…..

Don’t be afraid when the pain comes. It is natural to feel pain when someone we love dies. It is natural that the death of someone close to us will throw old memories into sharp relief. It is natural to feel for a time that the world doesn’t make sense. It is natural to feel anger, guilt, regret, sadness and to sometimes forget that they are gone. Don’t be afraid. Sometimes, the pain we feel can shock us. Maybe we thought we had said our goodbyes. Maybe, we were so relieved that our loved one was no-longer suffering we didn’t expect the pain. Maybe the relationship was not a good one and there was anger between us. Accept yourself. Know that at all times you really did the best you could.

You may discover secrets, things that you never knew about the person you loved. These may change how you feel about the person you loved. The secrets may make sense of something you never understood or they may throw you into confusion. This happens! Take your time to digest the information.

It is commonplace for old family disagreements to raise their ugly heads and new ones to emerge. Be kind to yourself in the midst of it all. Know that it may take you a while to sort out how you really feel about some of the disagreements. You may see family members behave in a way you never expected. You may be the one who surprises yourself and everyone else. This happens! Be gentle with yourself. You may need to walk away from hurtful scenes. You may need to make difficult decisions. Trust yourself.

Most of all take care of yourself. Eat, even if it is just a little. Rest, if you can’t sleep. Make a list of important jobs like paying your car insurance, you may be forgetful. Accept the help of loving friends. Talk to your friend about how you feel, if you can. If you can’t speak about how you feel, write it down where no-one will see it. Get out in the fresh air and take short walks when it all feels too hard. Ask for help if you find a task too difficult to complete. Don’t expect all the help from family members. Be open to the kindness of strangers. This holds especially true for sorting through your loved ones belongings. It is so much easier when you have help from people who were not so close to them. If you feel empty inside, explore that emptiness gently. Do not rush to fill it with food or alcohol or other substances. Acknowledge the emptiness, listen to what it is saying to you about what you really need. When you know what you need, reach out for that help and don’t stop until you get it.

Some people will be able to travel this journey of grief with you and some won’t. Some people will understand how you feel and others won’t. Sometimes, you may find the lack of understanding really hurtful. In time it will be easier to accept the frailty of others…. and yourself.

Know that the day will come when you will laugh again. And in the meantime, don’t be afraid, be kind and gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.