Women have all experienced at least one relationship that just broke up without an explanation. Sometimes the man just vanishes into thin air. Other times they just say ‘it is over’ and walk away without any apparent concern for her emotions.
Women I’ve talked to have tried everything:
*Only dating men who show interest in them first
*Not acting desperate
*Letting the man take the lead and being totally
*Not pushing the guy or being totally open with their feelings
*Not worrying about making the relationship serious
*Living with them – not living with them
*Holding off on sex – having sex right away
The frustration comes from the fact that there is no right answer, no right way to date a guy and still protect yourself from being hurt. And it can hurt. I’ve heard women say the following:
*He just said ‘We can’t be together any more’
*He said ‘I don’t want this relationship. Please respect my decision.’
*He just shrugged and stared blankly and assumed that was all the answer I wanted
*‘You have issues’
From men I’ve heard the following:
*I broke up with the right girl. I just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I dated this new girl, and things were perfect, but I couldn’t get serious because the woman I should be with was still waiting for me (in fact, she had already moved on but this was the man’s perception).
*I couldn’t deal with the issues involved with a break up.
*Why? I don’t care why I broke up with her. I just did
*She wouldn’t stop (nagging/trying to change me/was clingy/wouldn’t give me space) but I couldn’t tell her that or she would have cried.
*If I told her then she would just cry or start yelling that I don’t care about ‘her’.
*She is the reason I left. Everything was about her.
"Codependent emotions and actions are designed to blunt pain and gain a desperately needed sense of worth. The problem with codependent behaviour is that it yeilds only short term solutions which ultimately cause more pain" – Pat Springle author of Codependency
Self Interest vs Selfishness
Men often enter a relationship for selfish reasons. Women often enter for self interest.
The fact is that men usually break up with a woman because they exhibit a pattern of behaviour that the partner is not happy with, and no longer wishes to tolerate. The fact is, men rarely ask themselves why. And the deep emotional discussions needed to prevent the break up are harder for men to deal with than just walking away.
Men also dread emotional confrontation. They also dread having to admit that they were in the relationship for selfish reasons.
Women often enter a relationship for Self Interest. They find a man they are happy with. They are okay with his behaviour, in most cases. The man will enter a relationship for selfish reasons. This turns the woman into an ‘intangible’ part of his happiness. When he is no longer happy he just finds another person to fill her place and he is happy again.
There are a few truths you need to understand.
*You may be a man’s perfect match, his soul mate, but if he is not ready to start a relationship then he will walk away from you.
*Most men cannot handle emotional behaviour. Women never consider this when choosing a boyfriend. When a woman is looking for a man she tries hard to be what ‘he’ wants instead of just being true to themselves. This is why they attract men who cannot deal with them.
*Men like to be made to feel loved, preferably in public. They need a women to ‘act’ like they think the man is the best she ever found.
*Women rarely want to communicate until things go wrong. Women nag, play games, act needy, and try to change men. They don’t want to communicate honestly until things turn sour...then it is too late.
Suzanne James has 10 years experience as an online life coach and using the telephone to and Skype. She has experience helping clients reset their core values, make changes in their communication and relationship styles, and take back control of their lives. There is a wealth of information on her website: http://www.suzannejames.com