It’s often asked to me why women like Jerks, Badboys, and Players, and while I teach that much of the reason rests in the fact that to the brain, arousal due to danger and threats can be easily confused with arousal due to sexual appeal, there is a bit of a difference between a guy who is a rude, immature or unethical Jerk, and one who has been called a “Player.”
To my mind, a “Player” is still on the immature side of being a man, because the name is derogatory to most women, and implies he has nothing much else going on in his life other than chasing skirt. It implies manipulativeness or trickery of women, which I do not like or agree with, but at least also implies that the man has some skill and experience at the ways women think and feel. He is likely a bit more diplomatic and “under the radar” than a bold-faced Jerk.
Women do like the dangerous arousal implied in an experienced man who has been with many women, but they like something more too. Far more than a Jerk or a Badboy, women like that a “Player” has a smoothness or “craft” to him, that he is fluid in his social graces and perhaps even a good dancer, all of which imply that he might also be smooth or experienced at giving her pleasure.
Women automatically, unconsciously, instinctually peg men into categories as being either more of a stand up, high character guy, or else a provider of sexual pleasure and fun, regardless of the fact that she also suspects he’s not in any place to be loyal or committed. In fact, she may find herself convincing herself that maybe she could be the ONE to turn him around, make a project of him, and get him into the loyal, committed mode like no other woman has been able to do.
And for the most part she won’t be able to, thought the fantasy of it is very alluring.
It’s the prime core sexual attractor of women that the player has mastered and the badboy or jerk has not – which is to be intoxicating in his mysteriousness, him as a source of curiosity to women, a puzzle to solve and a masculine, charismatic presence to wrap into her circle of influence.
One might say that in the process of trying to attract a Player, a woman who does so may be in just as selfish or self-absorbed a mode – a pleasure seeker – as the player himself. For most often, she is into him not for his breadth of husbandly skills or richness of life balance, but because he makes HER look good, and is a challenge which if mastered, will prove to her, her degree of femininity, and social value.
Rather than being a mere Player, or forbid, a Jerk or Badboy alone, I encourage you to become what I call an Omega Male – a man who has both the character maturity, sophistication and competence to be both a source of safety and rich life’s experience, but also with an edge and smoothness of the Player – the ONE man who can be both friend and loyal lover for the woman, wrapped into one.
Be THAT man.
Paul Dobransky, M.D. is a board-certified psychiatrist, public speaker and relationship expert who has treated more than 10,000 patients in 15+ years in clinical psychiatric care. Journalists and clients worldwide have sought Dr. Paul's advice on dating, relationships and all aspects of human psychology.
Dr. Paul pioneered MindOS, a new, patent-pending approach to understanding relationships, mood problems and stress. MindOS synthesizes all schools of therapy into a single, effective system-based approach that uses plain language to help people understand psychology and solve problems. Go to http://www.menspsychology.com/ to learn more.