Why is Self-Awareness the Key to Your Success with Intimate Relationships?

By Doron Gil, Ph.D.

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FINDING OUT WHY YOU FAIL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS – AND MAKING THE NECESSARY CHANGES

If you find yourself failing in your relationships time and again and are not sure why, you are not alone. Many experience similar situations. The best advice I can give you is: DEVELOP SELF-AWARENESS, get in touch with what makes you harm your relationships – and become empowered to develop a successful intimacy.

Self-Awareness is the key to understanding how you can change self-sabotaging behaviors into ones leading to developing a successful intimate relationship. The following 2 examples illustrate this point:

EXAMPLE 1. REBECCA’S FEAR OF BEING ALONE

(Before Rebecca develops Self-Awareness):

Every evening, instead of going home after a busy day at work, Rebecca meets men on blind dates. What would she do all alone at home anyway? Read a book? Watch television? The emptiness of her apartment terrifies her. Even if she'll try to read a book or watch TV, she won’t be able to concentrate, because her mind is constantly busy with finding a partner. She often ends up with partners who are not good for her, being left time and again and jumping quickly into a new relationship – and the cycle continues...

HOW DOES REBECCA’S LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS HARM HER RELATIONSHIP?

Rebecca doesn’t realize that her behavior is driven by THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE. She isn’t aware of how it prevents her from living a balanced life. All she knows is that the most she wants in her life is finding a partner. This has turned into a “project”. Anything else seems meaningless. She doesn’t see how this fear drives her to date men who aren’t suitable for her, and how it prevents her from developing a meaningful relationship.

(After Rebecca develops Self-Awareness):

When Rebecca embarks on developing her Self-Awareness, begins to observe herself, ask herself questions and reflect over past relationships, she becomes able to identify her FEAR OF BEING ALONE and realize the power it has exerted over her. She can then see how this fear drove her to get into relationships which were not good for her, and to understand why none of these lasted long.
Having gained this awareness Rebecca can now combat her fear (being determined NOT to jump anymore into a relationship only for the sake of having one).

Taking the time to be by herself and reflect over her experiences empower her to become more selective regarding the men she eventually dates again. She now feels confident in her ability to develop a meaningful relationship with an appropriate partner.

EXAMPLE 1. EILEEN’S “FALLING IN LOVE”

(Before Eileen develops Self-Awareness):

Eileen met Julian in a nightclub and immediately “fell in love” with him. That same night they went to bed and started a relationship that lasted two months. She then found herself alone again. What particularly infuriated her about Julian was the feeling that he didn’t appreciate and respect her, a feeling she’d had in past relationships that had begun in a storm of emotions and lasted only a short while.

HOW DOES EILEEN’S LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS HARM HER RELATIONSHIP?

The feeling of being “worthless” shapes Eileen’s relationship with Julian, just as it shaped her previous ones. “Falling in love” with her partners right away and becoming dependent on them are driven by her unconscious NEED FOR LOVE AND APPRECIATION which she never felt were fulfilled while growing up.

As long as Eileen is NOT AWARE of her needs and learns how to cope with them, she will not be able to find and nurture a truly intimate relationship.

(After Eileen develops Self-Awareness):

When Eileen is fed-up with her continuous failures she decides to understand, once and for all, what’s behind her failures.

In order to gain this understanding she begins to develop her Self-Awareness: to observe herself, ask herself questions and get to understand the factors controlling her and driving her to sabotage her relationships.

It is then that she realizes how her burning need for love and appreciation drove her to “fall in love” so quickly and awkwardly with partners who either “took advantage” of her or just weren’t right for her.
Having gained these insights empowers Eileen to de-activate the negative power her need has exerted over her and approach relationships in a more mature and down-to-earth matter.

DEVELOPING SELF-AWARENESS CAN REALLY MAKE A DIFFFERENCE IN YOUR RELAITONSHIPS

As the examples of Rebecca and Eileen show, developing Self-Awareness can help you understand what made you fail in your relationships and how to change it.

As you develop your Self-Awareness you will clearly notice the effect is has on your ability to develop a successful intimacy.