If you are a single woman over 30 and are actively dating, likelihood is you'll find many divorced men -recent or not- as your potential suitors. You -and your ex that you are not over with- are even perhaps on a rebound yourself! We all go through transitional relationships at one point or another. While it is unproductive to single out this demography altogether considering the high divorce rate in this country, it is important to be smart in identifying potential problems that can wreak havoc with your emotional life or even if you are on a rebound yourself, the potential that you might hurt others in the process. Not every divorced man is potentially problematic due to unfinished emotional business or otherwise but there are ways to find out if you should invest on them or just casually date them with no string attached.
My client was actually seeing a guy who wasn't even divorced yet. And he couldn't commit to her after almost 2 years because of his unfinished business until recently. That was after she decided to move on and started dating others following my advice as I wrote in my book (that has also been responsible in getting some women's exes back). They got back together now and he showed her that he had filed for a divorce.
Had he jumped in the relationship before he was ready, the likelihood was it wouldn't have worked.
First of all, some of us might think we are emotionally ready to invest in a new relationship. It's better than being lonely anyway, right? There is this big empty hole that needs filling, hence we are wittingly or unwittingly looking for that special someone who will make us feel special so we can forget about the pain we are or have gone through. It's an attempt to move on from our past hurts which is commendable, but at times it can drag us into unwarranted drama when we realize that we can't give fully to the other person as he/she expects or deserves.
Only we are faced with such situation then we know we are not truly ready. So what do we need to do to navigate this situation safely and without causing so much pain for everyone involved?
First of all, be aware that initial excitement of meeting someone new is highly misleading. You might think he/she is relationship material only because your body says so. Relationship requires vulnerability for the two people to connect on the deepest level and when one is still guarded because of past hurts, it's hard to expose oneself to another chance of being hurt. When one is still hung up on past injuries and unresolved business from previous relationship (if they're still angry at their exes, for example), it's somehow hard to allow new positive emotions which are essential for new love to grow -and even recognizing it as such beyond the initial rush.
There is only one predominant emotion that prevails at any given time. When one still grieves and feels scared to totally jump into the water with both feet, it's hard to be an emotionally available lover.
Sure you shouldn't wait around and pine for your ex. Please do date around. Turn a new leaf and start a new chapter, by all means. Only take things real slow. And make the other person aware as well that you're not looking for anything serious right now. You just want to have fun and enjoy the moment. However, you are not negating any possibility that this can develop into something more meaningful down the road. And it should happen organically. You don't know when and you can't promise anything. It's up to them if they're okay with this or not.
Incidentally, my ex is going through this rough transitional relationship with his new girlfriend too. I heard he'd been pushing her away for months, the relationship has stalled and even regress as he can't let go of his resentment or whatever feelings he has left for me. And it seems to be directed at her. Just like most women, she wants progress in relationship (and like most women, it's always not soon enough) and there has been none. If she was wise she would drop him like a hot potato. Timing just isn't right for them.
Bottom line is If they're still angry at you, they're not over you. As simple as that. Love and hate are but separated by a very thin line.
I have also dated recently divorced men who, while they find me very attractive and even declare their love not long after we met, make it very clear through their words or action or both that they're simply not ready to hop on a new full blown relationship. The first time it happened to me, it was a momentary emotional wreck -which I got over very quickly because I wasn't over my ex either at the time. The second time I wised up and just made a mental note not to pursue it seriously. I even told him -and guys in same situation- matter-of-fact-ly that they weren't ready for a relationship. I would still see them and enjoy their company. I just wouldn't invest to deep emotionally if at all in them.
We would still be seeing each other so long it helps us heal. And this attitude has been a remarkably positive force in my life after my breakup. It's not a zero sum game, folks. You still can have your transitional relationships, heal and be very emotionally fulfilled and happy!
Now I'd like your attention to this very revealing subject matter on men. You know that men have the tendency to pull away even when they are not on a rebound. Do you know that it has nothing to do with how much they are in love with you?
For more tips about issues pertaining to reuniting with your beloved, there's a method that has been around for a while called the M3 System.
This article is one of the breakup series I write. Please check my author page for more articles on the subejct or join me in my ex-back support group and relationship forum for more tips on how to deal with your breakup and how to get yourself on the path of getting your love and your life back. Please also follow me on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/katarina.phang for my daily nuggets of reflections/insights/advice and tips on attracting and maintaining a lasting relationship and fixing a broken one.
Katarina Phang is an author, love/life coach specializing on reuniting couples and curing troubled relationship. She founded a free ex-back support group and relationship forum http://gettheloveyoudeserve.info.