Women, Self-Pleasuring, Orgasm and Communication

I was recently asked, “What is the best way for a woman to achieve orgasm?” There really is no best way. What I have found to be helpful is for a woman to get to know her own body. Discover what gives you pleasure and feel confident in your ability to bring yourself to climax. Exploring your body through self-pleasuring and learning how to express what turns you on can be an exciting process.

Self-pleasuring can be a spiritual practice when it is done with awe and reverence. It is a way of connecting with your life force energy which is the power of creation. Through self-pleasuring a woman can learn to expand her capacity for bliss. Self-pleasuring allows you time to discover what excites you without being concerned about pleasing your partner. You get to experiment with different types of touch, pressure, speed and find new erogenous zones.

Getting comfortable bringing yourself to orgasm is an empowering act. As you learn what turns you on, you can communicate it more easily to your lover. Learning to share how you like to be loved is a great way to deepen intimacy with your partner and increases the likelihood of being touched the way that most arouses and satisfies you. I recommend self-pleasuring several times this week. As you touch yourself stay present to what you like in enough detail that you could tell a lover how to do it in the same way.

Notice if any resistance comes up around self- pleasuring, if it does ask yourself these questions. What is my relationship to pleasure? Do I make time for pleasure in my life? How often? Do you find reasons for not giving yourself pleasure? If this is a habit then explore what old beliefs you have about pleasure, sex, and masturbation. You may still be harboring sexual shame or guilt. Now is a good time to re-frame those beliefs and restate them in ways that are sex and pleasure positive.

Here is another fun thing to try, when you feel ready and if you have a willing lover. Arrange a time when you can self-pleasure in front of them. Show your lover how you touch yourself so that you melt into you a pool of ecstasy. Then let them practice touching you in the same way. At another time switch roles and learn what turns them on.

Exploring your body through self-pleasuring and learning to express what turns you on can add a whole new dimension to your love making. Let go of any old beliefs you may have that it is your lover’s job to magically figure out what turns you on. These kinds of ideas lead to feelings of hurt and/or disappointment. Instead, learn to ask for what feels good to you.

This requires an important communication skill, called the 3 part communication. First, acknowledge the person for something they are doing well. "I love it when you caress me back." Or "Thank you for being willing to spend this time with me."

Next, ask for what you want. "What would feel even better to me in this moment is if you could touch me even more slowly."
Last, appreciate and acknowledge the change. "Oh yes that feels so good you are doing it just right." This communication style will dramatically increase the likelihood of being touched in a way that pleases you and makes your lover feel good too.

Exploring your body through self-pleasuring and learning to share what turns you on can be a fun process and it is a great way to bring new life to an ongoing sexual relationship, as well as a wonderful way to begin a new sexual relationship. Enjoy!