Addiction and Recovery
Tell Me Anything But Don't Tell Me To Stop Training
By Mitchell Milch, LCSW
Feb 20, 2008

At the risk of offending my reading audience the title of this article drips with sarcasm to

drive home a point. It’s probably no surprise to any of you men that as a group we have

been reluctantly dragged by the tide of reformist movements that have revamped gender

roles. Notwithstanding our denials we have shed traditional socialization patterns as

easily as one sheds a piece of gum on the soles of one’s shoes without using our hands.

This means that “The king of the castle mentality” still lives especially among

generations sandwiching The Baby Boomers. If the shoe fits then like myself you can

picture in your mind’s eyes Ward Cleaver lounging at home in his cardigan sweater while

June Cleaver does all the housework. I don’t think there has ever been much debate over

men’s inflated sense of entitlement being linked to their status as breadwinners of their

families. Men continue to derive self-worth from “doing for” as opposed to “being with”

others. We may find this to be the case even in households where we find the men caring

for their children while their wives ply their trades in corporate America.




Maybe, it’s hard for some of us men to accept that we can be stuck in emotional time

warps especially if we cringe at the thought that we are repeating behaviors in our

partnerships we swore we would not repeat after giving our parents failing grades in the

course: Marital & Parental Relations 101. Still, even as we men acknowledge that

gender roles have become fluid, reversible and interchangeable especially, when kids are

factored into the equation, I still hear women clients complain that they wish their

husbands didn’t sit with them and feel compelled to fix their problems as if they were

automobiles with faulty carburetors. These gender role challenges are not the exclusive

province of heterosexual relationships either and apply as well in gay and lesbian

relationships. Sex may be less significant than which parent are you most comfortable

identifying with.




Given this emotional backdrop men may hear something very different when they listen

to their partners. Expressions like: “Honey you’re never around” or “I need you to

divorce your tailgating buddies and remember who you married,” are usually ill

conceived communications to their partners designed to convey that these women want to

spend more time with their guys, need to feel more connected and more important to

them. Unfortunately, when you couple the male ego’s insecurities with performance

standards that eye Donald Trump as the standard bearer of success, such remarks do not

go over very well. They are often heard as: “Buddy, you’re not doing enough and

therefore, you are not only to blame for any unhappiness I feel but, more over you are an

incompetent partner because you are an inadequate person.”





It’s not hard to guess that most men at this point would not turn to their partners and

endearingly reply: “Honey, I heard you just say that I am a loser. Will you please clarify

your last remarks for me?” Criticisms, justified or not, may cause emotional abrasions

that don’t hurt that much and don’t bleed for long but, negative judgments can feel like

stab wounds in the chest. This is much more the case if we guys at the receiving end feel

clueless as to what it is that will make our partners happy. This is especially so when

what we experience to be attacks on our worth as partners are confirmations of our own

worst fears.





My experience counseling couples is that women who are heard by their men attacking

them where they are most likely to see stars are often retaliating for what they experience

as being attacks on their adequacy as nurturers and attractiveness as women. In truth,

guys if the loves of your lives are indeed railing at you it may be their way of saying: “I

love you and need your loving support, why are you rejecting me by taking me for

granted or ignoring me.” At this point couples can achieve an impasse where two wrongs

make a right and the circular battles that ensue make it easy for each partner to say: “You

started!” They remain with their horns locked because they feel stuck in such flawed

polarized thinking as: “One of us is crazy and it’s not me,” and “You’re the one that

needs to change because you’re the one that needs fixing. I’m fine just the way I am.”

Also, it’s simply safer to find justifications to lock horns at a distance than risk being

gored. If we fear for our emotional lives then, it stands to reason that we will avoid being

in the same room unless, we are distracted by television, kids and other folks or

engrossing tasks. If you find yourself or your partner cleaning out the garage at 11PM on

a Saturday night it is a telltale sign that at least one partner feels as safe in the bedroom as

driving a car on black ice. Guys are particularly susceptible to running away from

potential conflicts as they tend to equate emotional vulnerability with weakness and

having emotional needs as signs of childish and shameful dependency.





The beginning of a new lease on a couple’s life may start with the individual realization

that one’s emotions are one’s emotions and that losing control of them so that they

become weapons leaves that partner feeling bad about himself no matter how much

immediate satisfaction is derived from exacting revenge. In the self-esteem game, a

game of skill that is built on learning how to regulate our own self esteem, two wrongs

never make a right. Therefore, if you violate the values upon which you esteem

yourselves then, you pay dearly. Adults don’t feel good about themselves when they

behave like children. It’s a fact of life. Affirming our rights to life, liberty and the

pursuit of happiness regardless of our limitations and deficiencies gives us a most crucial

one degree of separation and protection from what is thrown at us from our wounded

partners. Keep in mind, if we weren’t so important to our partners he or she wouldn’t be

screaming about what they want that they’re not getting from us.




Guys will take off their emotional football gear if they have a better handle on warding

off dreaded responses to “what they did or said that was wrong?” Someone must be

willing to take the lead in changing destructive patterns of relating and the partner better

equipped to do so will often volunteer if life at home is to improve. “Who started it all”

can’t be all that important if your top priority is to have a mutually satisfying relationship.




If you’re taking the lead here are a few tips to increase the safety and security of the

climate in the room so that a constructive dialogue for working out differences may

ensue: 1) Success is founded on paving roads that are clearly marked and paved so as to

be negotiable. Ask your partner for what you want. Complaints are just thinly veiled


wishes and seldom received in a spirit of cooperation, 2) Make sure that your facial

expressions, body language and tone of voice are congruent with your message. Often, a

hostile or impatient tone of voice or angry facial expression will drown out a respectful

request and, leave the recipient both confused, annoyed and distrustful so as to promote

efforts to “figure you out” instead of relating to you and asking questions about what is

confusing them, 3) You may be communicating respectfully and considerately and still

be misinterpreted. Find out what was heard and straighten out any mistaken

interpretations before they take on lives of their own. 4) Give feedback that establishes

how you are hearing and reacting to your partner’s remarks so that if your partners leave

a little bit to be desired in the empathy department you can teach them about the cause-

effect relationships that influence your regard for them. For example, “Honey, when you

pick up the newspaper as I tell you about the horrible day I had I take it that you don’t

care about me outside of what you want from me. I feel rejected by you. I feel hurt,

angry and rage full and feel like treating you like you treat me; like you don’t exist.” 5)

Model respectful and considerate communications. Avoid anything that might be

construed as an effort to use guilt and shame as tools of manipulation and control. No

one wants to be anyone else’s pawn. Finally, 6) Scrupulously avoid self-righteousness;

anything that might be interpreted as an ivory tower sermon. Leave the trained

observations to folks like myself. We get paid to deliver sugar coated pills. Happy

relating!