Depression
I Just Had To Change My Mind
By Julie Hryniewicz-Hache
Apr 21, 2008

“Believe you can, and you can. Belief is one of the most powerful of all problem dissolvers. When you believe that a difficulty can be overcome, you are more than halfway to victory over it already.” Norman Vincent Peale


The internal drama seemed to last forever that night. In a fit of tears, I emerged outside to get some air and it all erupted in my head once again. I left my first marriage because I wanted so badly to be happy. Now, my daughter is living hours away from me with her Dad. She has to go to bed at night without her mother to tuck her in. She has to grow up with the label of a child of divorce because I left her Daddy to be "happy”.


I hated how I felt; I hated what I had done. I knew that there was no way to make this right. How could I have created such chaos? How could I live with my self? How could I ever be happy, feeling so miserable? I wanted to sleep and never wake up, I wanted the pain to go away, I had created such a mess in my life and those around me that I ended up wandering out onto the highway, in the middle of this cold spring night, in shorts and little sandles.


How could I continue to replay this horror movie over and over in my mind? This guilt was eating me alive and the disease that had surfaced in my body now required me to take medication for the rest of my life. Is this serving me? Is my state of mind serving my relationship with my daughter? Am I serving any useful purpose to this world when I am in this condition? If I kept this up I wouldn't be able to fulfill my dream of changing the world; I could barely manage a shower!


I then heard my footsteps along the gravel shoulder and noticed the hum of the wheels coming around the bend. I realized, with a start, that I was ridiculously close to being in the path of an on-coming tractor-trailer. I felt so shocked in that moment that I could put myself in so much danger out here in the wee hours of the morning, with no visibility for the passing vehicles or myself.


I had a child to raise, even though the distance and circumstances would be complicated. I was with a wonderful man now, even though the poor guy had only been exposed to the very worst of me over the previous year. I had a family that loved me, even though I had practically fallen out of their lives since my depression. I needed to sit down. I wanted to be warm. I had to make sense of all this.


I now walked with a destination; to find something I could sit on. Minutes passed and the answer presented itself to me like a neatly wrapped gift. There was the beach and a picnic table strategically placed, overlooking the most glorious view you could have ever imagined. The moon was partial and it dimly lit the horizon on the water, that looked like blown glass. I made my way to the table and climbed on top.


Somehow I pulled my sweatshirt to cover my frozen legs, wrapping up in a ball with my arms tucked inside my sleeves. Then I sat… In silence, tranquility, and more peace than I had ever felt in my lifetime, I sat… As the tears started to dry, I felt itchy on the top of my cheek. I wiped away the residue with my shoulder and upper arm of my sweater. Somehow in that moment I felt more alive than I had ever felt in my lifetime.


A calm passed over me that held me like a fragile child. I had released it all. I had unplugged the drain that kept all of that garbage inside. I had decided that it was time to live again. I felt my head throb slowly with a slight pain that pulsated in my temples. I could feel the tingling in my body and the blood pumping through my veins as I shivered.


I stared out over the glorious view of the water, black yet sparkling with nature's flashlight as the moon hung low in the sky. I could feel the breeze on my face and snuggled closer into myself. Silence... "I surrender" were the words that floated into my mind. "I surrender", I whispered. My eyelids felt heavy and I wanted to sleep. I knew in that moment that it was all going to be okay... I realized that, all along, I just had to change my mind... Now, I was free.


That night on the highway, back in Spring of 2003, my life changed forever. I experienced a paradigm shift that flicked a switch in my brain. Within weeks I resigned from my eight year career as a police officer and I went on a mission to heal and find my true life purpose. I have learned how precious and miraculous life is. I found my passion for speaking and writing in the realm of life improvement - I was meant to experience every one of those adversities.


Now, I truly embrace each day as a gift. I have learned to listen to my inner voice that screams, “Pay attention to me!”. I have learned that chocolate makes me happy and it is okay that I want world peace! I have learned that being sane involves knowing what it’s like on the other side of sanity... I have learned that I hold the key to my success, my happiness, and my life - through the power of my thoughts.


When our lives are filled with excitement, pressure, activities, and stressors, here are three of my best tips for staying sane and maintaining your natural balance:


1. Decide To Seek A Sense of Peace

2. Decide that Gratitude Will Fill Your Days

3. Decide to Keep It Simple


Notice that the word “decide” begins all three statements - a decision sets in motion a commitment to your goals. When we seek a sense of peace, we do what our heart tells us, instead of what we “should” do. Gratitude is the most powerful emotion in the human experience and can transform your world - express it regularly. Simplicity will be the difference between years that “fly by” or years that we savor and make our heart sing...


What would bring you a sense of peace right now? Who and what are you grateful for? What can you do to simplify your schedule? Wishing you time with loved ones, rejuvenation, celebration, and reflection. When we truly embrace the meaning of life, we will be less focused on the chaos and more focused on creating memories. You just have to change your mind about what is important to you and do that...