Divorce
Are You Looking For Divorce Advice?
By Maia Berens
Dec 26, 2007

Look around my website and see that I am a relationship authority. In many ways I'm also an authority on divorce advice since I've been divorced twice. Lots of people these days can say that I'm sure but not lots of folks who had such a bad, cruel marriage can say they sat across from their ex-husband on Thanksgiving and have had holidays and family events with their ex- for a lot of years.

In short: I was married to the very wide of a mark person to create a flourishing bond with for 15 years and dated him for 4 years before that. We had four kids together and have been divorced since 1980. Up until 1989 we were like most divorced people – we had as little to do with each other as we could get away with and when we had things to talk about, it was for all time pretty unpredictable.

Then our adolescents started to act out - those conditions and our shared love for our brood, started bringing us in concert. The kids had enough to deal with. They didn't need antagonistic parents also.

So little by little over the years we have created something different. I have been able to make the changes in outlook that I have by learning how to work out my feelings and by accepting I am not now – nor was I ever – a victim. I chose it all. Click here to read about that.

My ex- has not done the personal and spiritual growth things I've done but he has made the needed modifications in conduct to have us all get along. He's still the same human being that I don't belong with but he is the dad I gave my children and we think they should not have to suffer because we aren't well-matched.

So here is my divorce advice - particularly if you have children (even grown-up children):

1. Learn how to truly absolve your ex-. You do this by finding a book or a program or a 12-Step program or a shrink or a Life Coach who can instruct you on tools to of true absolution so that you mean it when you say you've forgiven your ex-.
2. Remind yourself what is in fact important – your children's welfare not being right (which is another way of looking at the doubtful triumph of your ego).
3. Get good help to appreciate how you came to have the relationship you had so that you do not repeat the same patterns.
4. Do not listen to harmful people who support you in trying to be right rather than trying to have harmony – both for yourself and for your children.
5. Learn what first-class, healthy boundaries are and have them in place with your ex-.

That's the short form of my divorce advice.