Forgiveness
Why Would You Not Choose To Forgive?
By Donna Hedley
Nov 16, 2007

Why would you want to hold on to the pain?

What are you trying to prove?

I want you to realize something very important. Are you listening, because if you can grasp this concept, you will learn to soar. If you are angry or upset at someone, if you feel that they did something to you that was wrong, you’re being angry, hurt and upset is not going to change them. You are only going to hurt yourself. What would you rather be, right in the conviction that everyone should feel sorry for you for that hard time you have had at the hands of others, or free from the pain. Wouldn’t it be better to forgive, rise above the pain and be happy? What does it prove to the world, to that person, to you by holding on to the hurt?

It doesn’t matter if they ever came to you on their hands and knees and begged you to forgive them, because, in reality, it has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with you. Whatever they did, it was you that decided to take offence at the situation. Whatever happened, it is you that has control of how you will respond.

The problem is that you refuse to take responsibility for your live. You would rather point fingers ever so eagerly to explain away the pain. It was his fault, she did this to me. Whatever was “done” to you is irrelevant. What matters is meaning you attach to the event. You have full control of how you react. The problem is that it is much easier to point fingers.

When something happens, we respond. Often the response is so automatic, we barely need to think about it. The response is often negative (hurt, pain, upset) because throughout our lives we have been conditioned to react that way. Do you want to go through your life just reacting without thinking, like some mindless robot? It takes effort to force yourself to be aware of how you are reacting and the decisions you make, but it is worth it. When you make the effort, become aware of you thoughts and decide on how you will react to them, you are in control. We spend so much or our life energy blaming the rest of the world for our problems. By taking control, you have the power to direct your energy towards a life that is full of love, joy and peace. Which would you rather have?

It is not my purpose to ever trivialize the traumatic events that many people have suffered at the hands of others. The worst is what happens to little children that are defenceless against those people who are bigger and stronger. Wherever possible, these events should be avoided, or even better, stopped before they even happen. Unfortunately, the reality is that nasty is going to happen. When it happens to you, you need to deal with it in a way that is going to be in your best interest. Forgiveness is one such strategy.

Whoever that person was, whatever they did, they will have to bear the burden of what they did. They need to face the consequences of their actions. Even so, it is irrelevant whether you ever see that happen. That is their problem, not yours. You need to concentrate on what is best for you. Don’t let them win by letting them control you through the pain, years after the event is long gone.

At some point though, no matter what has happened to you, you need to one day grow up and take responsibility for your life. Forgiving others for whatever you have perceived they have done to you is your responsibility. Only you can let go of the pain. Only you can choose to fill your life with light and joy. If you don’t do that, if you still choose to hold on to the pain, you have no one but yourself to blame.

I am not just talking for the sake of talking. I have had things happen to me too. I know what it feels like to have someone you know and trust take advantage of you. I know what it’s like to be small and defenceless and have someone who should know better inflict pain. I know what it’s like to feel enraged and angry and say, why me, what have I done to deserve this treatment? I know the feeling of self-righteous satisfaction that though I am in pain, I am right.

I also know the freedom that comes with forgiveness. I know that it is my choice and my responsibility. I realize that I don’t need that person to come to me and ask forgiveness, I can freely give it of my own free will, because I choose to, because I have to. I give it not to make that person feel better, but to make me feel better.

Some of the offenders in my life are dead. There is no way that they can come to me and ask for forgiveness. I am so grateful that my forgiveness and the joy that comes with it are not reliant on them coming to me. It is totally reliant on me.

And what about you? Are you so sure that your perceived pain is totally their fault? Are you so righteous and without blame that you are free to inflict pain on those that you think hurt you? Have you ever asked yourself that your actions might be causing them greater pain then they ever did? Is revenge ever justified?

I know what you’re thinking. If our pain is our responsibility, then the pain I inflict on them is their problem, not mine. That may be true, but that does not justify consciously being cruel.

It seems to me that if you cannot forgive, it is because you enjoy it too much. You enjoy being the “victim” and having people feel sorry for yourself. You want to hurt others by cutting them out of your life. This is small minded and cruel.

So I ask you again, why would you not choose forgiveness? Why do you want to hold on to the pain? Would you rather be right (self-righteous) or happy? The choice is up to you. For me and my heart, I choose joy.