Inspiration
It's All Up From Here (Fictional Story)
By Julie Hryniewicz-Hache
May 1, 2008

The drive always seemed so long and today was no exception. Noticing the “check engine” light on the dashboard was a bit concerning, but there was no extra money to get it “checked”. As long as it was still driving, that was good enough right now. This rust bucket was embarrassing and the crack across the windshield was irritating. Hopefully, the police don’t stop me because I am sure that there are other safety concerns, including the horn that isn’t working. The car is the least of my worries though.

Turning on the radio to dull the voices in my head, I was sure that excessive noise would make it all go away. The frustration, the confusion, the anger, and the resentment I was feeling flooded back every time I was alone. I just wanted to get home and start working in my shop. As soon as I start tinkering with my tools and gadgets, and have a cold beer, I start to feel better. I noticed the tiny pebbles, dust, and garbage throughout the car. My wife tells me that I should keep it clean, but I couldn’t care less.

Sometimes I wish that I was never born. Why do we have to live in such a nasty world? This is like a life sentence; punishment for simply stepping foot on this planet. Thinking back to fourth grade, I can remember the teacher holding me up against the board, by the neck with one hand. He warned me that if I kept up the horse playing I would be suspended permanently from school. My old man would take the belt to me again, if I failed another year.

I couldn’t stand that my old man was a drunk. I have no idea how he kept a job. He went into the bush for months on end, working for a friend of his, and only came back when he wanted my mother to wash his laundry or smack her around some more. One day I had enough and knocked him right across the kitchen table, when I found her crouched down by the cupboards, balling her eyes out.

I could never lay a hand on my wife. He was a pathetic excuse for a human being and I refuse to be anything like him. My wife and I argue a lot, but I deal with a lot of bull, on my job. The ½ hour commute, sucking in all of that black dust, and breaking my back to make peanuts a day, I have just about had it. I can’t stand when the white shirts come in, with their clean hard hats and their clipboard, assessing how we are doing. Those guys wouldn’t know how to do real work and it peeves me right off that they get paid a whole pile more than me, when I am the one making a fortune for them.

There are times when I wish my life would be different. There are a bunch of us at the mill who pitch in our money each week for the lottery draws. One day, I hope that we hit the jackpot. I would walk out of that place so fast because I can’t stand working for these people. If my boss corrects me one more time, he is going to have a permanent imprint on his face, because I have had it up to my eyeballs with this crap.


My wife tells me that maybe I should look for another job but I’ve put in 15 years already and, as pathetic as it is, I have somewhat of a pension. Besides, there’s not much around here for me because I never finished highschool. It was a luxury back then to not have to work and actually get a highschool diploma. With my son being born when I was only seventeen, I had to do what was best and make ends meet.

With how much it costs for kids these days, our paychecks barely cover our bills as it is. I am trapped in this misery forever, or if I make it to retirement. No wonder I look so forward to the end of the work day and my time off. Just me and my garage... It is like coming home to my baby. If I could just win that lottery, I would carve all day long. Just me and my draw knife...

Sara has been great, even when I am grumpy. She tries to keep the kids quiet, when I get in the door, because she knows I work so hard and don’t want to deal with anything stressful. She works at the local corner store, to bring in some extra money, but it barely pays the utilities. With the poor insulation in the walls, it costs a fortune to heat our shack. I hated renting. Renting felt like we weren’t really getting anywhere and when my Dad died, my mother offered to sell us the house.

It is amazing how well my mother is doing, now that he is dead. She has bridge night, bowling night, and volunteers with the hospice. She seems so much more peaceful now and has a small one bedroom apartment. I was glad when he died - all he did was cause us misery. If there is one day that I truly felt happy, it was the day I knew that we didn’t have to put up with his temper and outbursts anymore. Whenever Sara suggests that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I get even angrier at her, because I have never laid a hand on her.

Coming around the corner to the house, I see a car in the driveway. It is like a purplish, grey colour and it seems pretty fancy. Since I haven’t had much time to shovel the driveway very well, the car is on a bit of an angle because I just keep driving over the snow to pack it down. I am a bit irritated because I have to park on the road, at my own house. Sara never told me anyone was coming and I hate when she has people over - especially when I am not home.

Leaving my lunch bag and keys at the side entrance door, I hear a conversation in the kitchen. A women is telling Sara that this a concern for everyone involved and that it must be followed up. I demand to know who this person is and ask what the heck is going on? Sara is crying and looking very sheepish. The women identifies herself as Lorrine from child protective services, and asks me to sit down.

There is no darn way I am sitting down when some lady is making my wife cry. I demand to know what is going on. The woman explains that the school contacted the agency because another student told his parents that my son wants to run away from home. She explains that my son had a mark on his arm and that he was fed up with the yelling, my wife crying all the time, and the fact that they have to tip toe around the house, because of me.


I couldn’t believe my ears. That little brat is going to pay for this. How dare he talk about our family to anyone else. I only grabbed his arm the other day when he went to stomp out of the house, as I was talking to him. He was disrespecting me again and I wasn’t going to tolerate him walking away from me. I am the father and he is supposed to listen to me. I have barely ever touched him but as long as he lives under my rules, he is going to do what I say.

My blood was boiling, I was shaking, and I could feel my heart pounding a mile a minute. I wanted to throw that lady out of my house, but she explained that there was an officer on standby, if there were any problems. I have managed to get this far with only one impaired driving charge, and I wasn’t about to get arrested because some stuck up witch, who probably didn’t even have kids, was telling me how to run my family.

She advised that the investigation would be on-going and that she would like to arrange an appointment to talk with family members, separately, at the office. As she left, I hoped that she would slip and fall with her high-heeled boots, right on my driveway. That would teach her to interfere with my home and family.

As I looked at Sara, I could see that she was a mess. I must have sworn a hundred times about how they have no right to bother us. Sara looked at me, and for the first time in our marriage, she stood up to me and said, “Yes, they do Rick. We have been living in fear of you ever since I can remember. I have been putting up with your bad moods, your negative attitude, and your controlling, jealous, and angry behaviour as long as I have known you. You think that you are the only person in the world with problems and that we should all feel sorry for you. What about me Rick?”

“What about my feelings Rick? What about all the work I do for this family? What about the fact that my parents were messed up and I was abused by my cousin and that I have had bouts of cancer? You think the world revolves around you, and I am sick and tired of it. I can’t live like this anymore and there is no way that I am going to continue to subject my children to your garbage. You have always put your father down, and yet, you are just like him Rick.”

“How dare you say that Sara? I have never laid a hand on you!” “There are other kinds of abuse Rick and your words to us and you pushing around our boys are abuse enough. You never tell them you love them. They can never do anything right enough for you. You constantly make them feel small and insignificant and unimportant. You have never looked at them with pride or love Rick. And now you wonder why they don’t respect you? When they were small, they feared you. Now, they are almost as big as you and they CAN walk away.”

“Sara, why are you talking like this to me? You have always taken my side. You are the only person in the world who understands me Sara.” “Rick, you rescued me from the dysfunction of my family and I would have done anything for you to continue to love me, but now I know that I don’t need you to rescue me from anyone else anymore. I need to be rescued from you Rick. It is great that you haven’t hit me before, but your words and tone and temper are so hurtful to all of us that I am choosing to put a stop to this.”

“What does that mean Sara - are you leaving me, because I will make sure that nobody will want you. How dare you walk away from me Sara?” “There you go again - threatening me Rick. Do you really think that this is going to make me love you more? Are you that sick that you figure you can keep us in your life by threatening us? I knew that you needed help Rick, but this is just confirmation that this marriage is getting out of control. I am glad that other people are involved now. My friends and family have been warning me about you for years and now I finally see it. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Sara, I love you. I have been so stressed over my job. You know that... Why are you throwing this in my face now?” “Rick, at first, I put up with your complaints about your job, to the point that when you talk about all the things you hate, I clue out. You hate everything and everybody. If you are not happy about something, then do something about it. You can’t keep taking it out on us and thinking that we are just going to sit here and tolerate it.”

“What do you want me to do Sara - quit my job? Who is going to put food on the table and pay for this mortgage. Your job brings in squat! I can’t walk away from it.” “Rick, if you keep doing the same things over and over, how do you expect anything to change. “Have you been watching Oprah and Dr. Phil again Sara? You know how much I hate when you throw that psychobabble in my face.”

“That psychobabble gets me through my day Rick! It gets me through the struggle of dealing with you and your drama every day. Maybe you should watch an episode or two - maybe your disposition would change a bit.” “My disposition is not the problem Sara. My problem is my job - I hate it. I hate going into work every day and I hate every second that I am there.” “Why, Rick; what is so bad about your job that you despise it that much?”

“Because I am not interested in making someone else rich. I am not interested in sucking in fumes every day. I am not interested in working with a bunch of back stabbing coworkers who are constantly giving me a hard time and pulling practical jokes on me. I just want people to leave me alone. I just want to look forward to my day. I just want to be able to pay the bills, and not have to trade my soul for a paycheck. But, I can’t do that because I have to create some stability for this family.”

“Rick, where is the stability when you are miserable all the time, when we are afraid to breathe because we might set you off, when we can’t ever have people into our home because you need your rest, or your television show, or your space, or your peace and quiet, when you are home. We have lives too, you know. It’s like we are living in a prison all the time. If you hate your job so much that it is causing you to hate the world, and everyone in it, then you need to do something about it.”

If you don’t do something about this situation Rick, I will. I am going to stay at my sister’s, with the kids, for a while. The woman that was just here, told me about counselling that is available to us, if we are open to it, and to call 911 if we have any problems with you. I am making an appointment this week for counselling and I would love you to join me.

We also have an appointment, with the kids, at their office next Thursday at 1:00pm for an assessment. Since you work nights next Wednesday, you can get there after you sleep. If you are not there Rick, then I will know that you are not interested in making this work.”

As she left the house, with bags and the kids in tow, I was numb and exhausted. How embarrassing and unfair is it, to have your wife and kids walking out on you, when you were only trying to do the best for them? It was clearly the lowest moment of my life. I drank a ½ a case of beer that night and called in sick the next day. It was the first time that I stayed in bed for over 36 hours straight. I was angry, I was confused, and I was not sure if I ever wanted to get out of bed again. I let the phone go to the answering machine and barely ate a thing...

A few days later, there was a knock at the door. My best buddy stood with his hands in his pockets and asked to come in. I guess my hair was standing on end, and with only my pajama bottoms on, he told me that I looked like hell. He came in and sat in the livingroom, where I had apparently converted the couch to my bed.

“Rick, I heard what’s going on man. What are you going to do?” “I can’t believe everyone is talking about this. Can’t anyone have any privacy in this town. What, did Sara announce it to the world?” “No, I ran into her at the bank and she looked upset. When I asked her how she was, she started to get teary.” “She is always teary Bob. You look at her crooked and she starts to cry.”

“Why do you think that is, Rick?” “She wants to blame everything on me but I can’t be responsible for everything that is wrong in her life. She grew up in crazy house as well.” “Rick, you can’t change her childhood, but you can decide what you are going to do about your life now. She is a good woman and you have three great kids. They need you in their life.”

“Then why can’t they just accept me for who I am? I have been working my tail off to provide for them. Every second I put up with that hole in the ground of a place, I do it for them.” “Rick, do you really think that they want to be responsible for you being so miserable. They would rather be poor than live with you so unhappy.” “Is that what she said? Maybe she says that now, but when she is constantly asking me to fork over money for this and that, she obviously doesn’t care about the misery I have to go through to make that paycheck.”

“You know Rick, you and I have been friends for a long time and I know that this is not you. You used to be so fun to be around. You used to play ball with us and go ice fishing in the winter. Now, all you do is bury yourself in your garage and drink alone to “take the edge off”. Why do you think I don’t hang out with you as much anymore? Hearing you complain all the time gets old.”

“What choice do I have Bob? I am uneducated, this is the only job I know, I have a pension building, and who is going to hire me? I am too old to learn something new.” “That’s your problem right there Rick. You have already decided that there are no other options, so you have closed your mind to other possibilities. My wife quotes all this stuff from those self-help books all the time, but it has been quite helpful for us. Now I realize that if I don’t like something, that I have the ability to change it.” “Bob, your wife must watch Oprah and Dr. Phil too. I can’t stand those shows!”


“Our wives are trying to learn and do things differently, so that we will all be happier. They are not doing it to make you miserable Rick. You really need to stop being so pessimistic and self-centered. No one likes to be around someone who is always complaining about everything.” “Now you’re down my throat Bob; I thought you were my buddy?” “I am your buddy Rick, that is why I’m here. I want to see you guys come through this because Sara misses you and the kids are finding it really hard to stay away from home. They are really hoping that you show up to that appointment next week Rick.”

“Also, my wife told me to give you this. It is a movie to watch. It is kind of a documentary type movie about the power of our thoughts, so don’t expect any violence, nudity, or course language. I really found it pretty interesting Rick. Listen, I have to go but I am here if you need me.”

I felt like I was being lectured by my best friend and proceeded to open another beer. It’s a good thing that beer can be delivered, because I had already polished off the couple cases in the house. Since I actually missed a couple of shifts without calling in, I figure that I am going to be fired anyway. Maybe that would be a good thing...

After eating peanut butter and jam on bread, Kraft Dinner and pasta for days, the kitchen was a disaster. Who cares though, I sure didn’t. It was kind of nice not to have to worry about anything. I could get used to being useless... I had forgotten about that movie Bob lent me to watch until I was looking frantically for the remote. My curiosity got the best of me and I popped it in the DVD player. Some white haired guy was talking about the law of attraction. I sure wasn’t interested in romance right now.

I realized in short order that the law of attraction wasn’t just about love, but about how our thoughts create our results. I learned that when we are putting out negative, we get negative back and when we apparently put out positive, we get positive back. I thought it was really out there, because some other guy talked about how he made a million dollars by adding zeros to a bill and visualizing a million dollars. I was more convinced than ever that this movie and my best buddy and his wife were off their rocker!

I turned off the movie part way through because I don’t believe in that hocus pocos stuff. It was stupid to think that somehow I was creating my results by my thoughts. Just because I am upset with my job, doesn’t mean that I am affecting anyone else or attracting more negativity in my life. I refuse to believe that I am the cause of my own misery. If my boss wasn’t such a jerk, and if my office wasn’t a toxic wasteland, and my coworkers weren’t such idiots, I would be fine.

I fell asleep that night realizing that I had wasted my time with that stupid movie. How was a movie going to fix this mess? That night I had a dream that I was at the door of this huge mansion. The mansion had a very tall black, shiny door, with a brass lion’s head for a knocker. I knocked and walked inside. Inside were black and white marble floors with a huge gold chandelier, that had crystal stones hanging from the lights. Up ahead was a red velvet curtain, blocking an entrance to another room.


When I peeked behind the curtain, I could see Sara and my sons. They were laughing and joking around and playing tag with each other. I was thinking that I had not seen them smile like that in so long. They seemed to be so carefree and happy. They were relaxed and peaceful and having such a great time. Over in the corner though, I then noticed a casket. They couldn’t see me as I passed but I was curious who was inside. As I opened the lid, I saw my own face. They were celebrating that I was dead...

I woke up from this nightmare with such a gasp and I was drenched in sweat. The street light peered through the livingroom window sheers and I tripped over the mess around me, to get to the washroom. I threw up in the toilet and rinsed my face with water. I ended up having a shower because, when I looked in the mirror, I noticed that I had not cleaned up in days. I took the longest shower of my life and let the water run down my neck and back until the hot water tank emptied and the water ran cold. I got out of the shower, shaved, and stared at the image in the mirror for several minutes as I cried.

Today, is the day that it all changes. Today, I am going to switch this up. Today, I will take control of my life and stop blaming everyone else for my bad moods and issues. I cleaned up the house, the best I could, even though I could never do as good of a job as Sara. I went into work, on my day off, and met with the supervisor of human resources. She advised me that they had called my home a couple of times and I was under suspension for missed work days without any contact.

I explained what I was going through and told them that I either needed to look for another job or find another department. The woman told me that there were no openings in other departments but that she would put my name on a list, to be considered for a transfer, if anything else came available. I invited Bob over for pizza that night and he convinced me to watch the rest of the documentary movie with him. Although I wasn’t quite sure about how this wacky stuff worked, I was at least willing to give it a try. I also left a message for Sara that I loved her. The answering machine picked up and she didn’t call me back.

I went back to work a couple of days later and actually found that it didn’t seem so bad. The guys were joking around and we had some laughs in the lunchroom. One guy even told me that he missed picking on me and it wasn’t the same without me there. They heard I was sick and hoped that I was feeling better now.

Another coworker told me that him and his wife split up a couple of years back and he wished he could do it all over. He said that he would do anything to have been able to save his marriage, because his life is just not the same without her. When I asked what he could have done, he said that he would have went to talk to someone, like she asked him to do, on several occasions.

I knew that somehow, things were different now. I wasn’t sure what it was but I felt a bit lighter than usual. When I was called into the HR office about my request for transfer, I was told that they reviewed my file and it would be unlikely that anything was going to come up anytime soon, but that even if something did, I would require a grade 12 diploma, at minimum. They explained that they have an arrangement with the college for a grade 12 equivalent program, where I could get my highschool GED diploma through night school and home study courses. I told them I would think about it.


I went to the Thursday appointment at one o’clock and met my family there. I held Sara so tight, when I first saw them in the waiting room. Sara said that I looked good and that she was glad I made it. I told her about the highschool course, that was available to me, and that I had requested a transfer to another department. We held hands that day, for the first time since we dated. My boys looked so handsome and I told them I loved them as I touched their wrists. I could see tears running down their cheeks...

That day was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. It was like the sun was beaming into the room and I could feel the energy vibrating through my veins. No matter what happened next, I knew that we were going to be okay.

I was grateful that I had a second chance to make things right with us. I was grateful that I get to decide my attitude and my perspective. I was grateful that I had such a great family. That day, in that office, I was grateful for that woman in the purple car, who showed up in our driveway. Mind you, I never wanted to see her again. I now know that if I wanted something in my life to change, that I have to do the changing... It’s all up from here!