Marriage
And Baby Makes Three And A Whole Lot More…
By Dr. Karen Sherman
Apr 3, 2008

Most marriages include children. Certainly, kids bring joy and add love to the family unit. You wouldn’t have it any other way. But, often, on a day-to-day basis, children also add stress. As a matter of fact, research indicates that the years when couples are raising their children are the most stressful for the relationship. As an overall picture, there are that many more persons and personalities with which to contend. If there are also siblings, the relationship between them can also present difficulties. And, of course, for most couples there is will be the need of a greater financial outlay.

On a daily schedule, there are all the routines: getting the meals prepared, the homework done, the laundry, and bedtime rituals. For most families, there are also the extracurricular activities that require preparing for and carpooling to things like music lessons or religious training. And though you likely get pleasure from watching the efforts of your children in their various sporting events and recitals, it’s yet one more activity that requires your time and attention. So, if you’re being honest, it’s downright exhausting!

And this is all when the children are, thank goodness, healthy…

So, clearly the bottom line is that there’s not much time left for you as a couple. And when you do manage to find yourself in a room together, it’s most likely because you’ve fallen almost comatose onto the bed. With all the time and energy that you devote to the children, is it any wonder that this is the most stressful time on your partnership? (I also don’t want to be remiss in acknowledging that in many families both partners are working outside the home and so this is yet one more additional burden.)

Though it may seem like an absolutely insurmountable task, it is absolutely essential that the two of you make time for each other. It doesn’t have to be for an extended, glamorous, costly weekend. It doesn’t even have to be for lengthy time periods. But it is imperative for you, as a couple to make time for one another. Additionally when you do so, it will also benefit the children. First, they are seeing a good role model. But more importantly, when you refuel some of your tapped energy, you will be able to be more available to them.

Learn to tell the kids that you are having “mommy-daddy time” and take 15 minutes to just put your feet up and hold hands. Warning: This should not be a time when you discuss problems or family business. Be selfish enough to let the answering machine take the calls, turn off your cell phones, and don’t look at those blackberries! Rather, this is your downtime.

Here are a few more ideas for short interludes:
1. If the kids are old enough and the weather is warm, go for a walk around the block. Yes, one of the kids will need you, but unless it’s an emergency, it can wait.
2. Put some music on and dance.
3. Give each other a neck massage.
4. Bring your favorite snack in and feed it to each other.
5. Take out some old pictures and reminisce.

At first it will be hard to get accustomed to doing this for the two of you, but in the end, the payoff is big!