Marriage
Second Marriage Pitfall #3: Help! Suddenly it’s my first marriage all over again!
By Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.
Aug 14, 2007

Getting married is a celebration of love and commitment. That holds true for a second marriage as well as a first. It’s a way of saying, “It’s just you and me, from here on out.” But second marriages can have different meanings for different people. An unacknowledged pressure to “get it right this time” may sit coiled beneath the celebration.

When you remarry there is the unspoken reality that you’ve unsuccessfully traveled this road before. It’s no secret that this is your second (or third) marriage. You may notice some of the wedding gifts aren’t as thoughtful this time around. (“After all, we figured you made out pretty well the first time.”) And don’t be surprised to hear a few long-distance friends gripe about the price of gas as they decline the wedding invitation.


When your second marriage resembles your first—Don’t Panic

Despite your best efforts to avoid comparisons, at times you may find yourself envisioning your new spouse side-by-side with your old one. Such comparisons may elevate your appreciation for the person you now share a bathroom with. After all, don’t you feel lucky to have fallen in love a second time? Many people never find that special someone. You’ve been fortunate enough to find this person—twice.

The reasons why your first marriage didn’t last are etched on your memory. Even if you remain cordial with your first spouse, the end of that relationship is something you’d rather forget. One thing is certain: Your second marriage would easily win the Best Marriage of the Century award when compared to your first. This is especially the case when you’re in the first two years of your second marriage. During this time, infatuation, excitement and passion are mind-altering experiences that are part of the magic of this new marriage. And this magic creates a blissful orbit around you and your spouse. Within this orbit, life is pretty great. Despite the necessity of adjusting to living with someone new, conflicts and lapses in communication are easily resolved—and easily overlooked. The stresses of the world that ate away at your first marriage seem unable to penetrate your marriage this time around.

Marriage experts have used terms like idealization and expansion to describe this exciting time in your relationship.

But then something begins to shift. As your second marriage moves through time, you need to say goodbye to this blissful orbit and move toward a more balanced (more realistic) marital environment. This transition can feel like a fall from grace (or a kick in the solar plexus, the kind that knocks the wind out of you). Instead of understanding that crash as a natural progression in your marriage, you might link it to the troubles that plagued your first marriage. It is at this point that the contours of your second marriage can begin to feel like your previous marriage. Disillusioned, you question your decision to remarry. You may begin hearing yourself say: “She’s just like my first wife!”; or “I should have known: men are all alike!”; or even “I’m the most unlucky person in the world.”

Rather than experience this transition for what it really is—a natural progression in your relationship that needs to be understood and worked through—you may feel overwhelmed by the thought of enduring more pain and what feels like another ill-fated marriage. Feeling stuck, you may envision two equally miserable futures: Cut your losses and go through another painful divorce or stay stuck in a second marriage that will be no better than the first.

Why you should step on the decision-making brakes

At this point, your second marriage is vulnerable and you should delay any decision to dissolve the marriage (assuming, of course that there is no emotional or physical abuse). Why? Because research shows that this stage of disillusionment and disappointment is just that, a stage, with a beginning and an end. Seeing this period of your second marriage clearly can give you the awareness needed to withstand and then move past this sticky point.

Your attitude can make all the difference in how this stage of your second marriage gets resolved. Envisioning your second marriage as a sailboat can help. On this boat you and your partner will need to work together in order to adjust the sails whenever the unpredictable winds change the direction of your travel. It is the marital teamwork that will give your relationship the strength it needs to travel in the direction you and your spouse desire—even when the winds won’t cooperate.