Self-Help General Topics
Letting Go Versus Hanging On
By Ellen Besso - Holistic Coach for MidLife Women
May 12, 2008

Are you someone who likes to hold onto things? By this I mean your emotional hurts, slights, wounds, upsets? I am. Certainly I’ve improved a lot over the years, but I’m not there yet - not even close I’d say. Lately things have been coming up in various ways to help me dissolve the remnants of this issue…tenants leaving suddenly or changing their mind after committing to a house rental, clients pushing my generosity to the max and not holding up their end of our service agreement. These things have left me feeling used and I have hung onto them.

I remember years ago in group therapy, the group facilitator, my family doctor encouraged me in my progress re letting go. Something had happened and I was upset about it (of course I don’t remember what it even was now). I worked on it in group but was being hard on myself for hanging on to it for so long. He said “Well, how long did you hang onto it?” I told him it had been about a day. Then he asked me “How long would you have held onto it before” and after thinking I replied, about a week. He told me that was a big change.

In another group the therapist would at times actually ask us “How long do you want to stay mad (or sad, etc. you fill in the blank here)…an hour, 30 minutes, 20 minutes, 5 minutes? Then we’d pick a number, hold onto the feeling intensely, then let it go after the time was up. This added some levity to the feelings that we took so seriously. It also helped us really feel the feelings, then let go of them.

Lastly, it allowed us to step outside ourselves and become the Observer, or The Watcher as Martha Beck now terms it. When we are in this mode, we are in a different part of ourselves - a different state of consciousness. We can see the other part or parts and feel compassion for them, but we’re not caught up in the usual turmoil of our thoughts and feelings.

Something I’ve found very helpful recently as I’ve gone deeper into Byron Katie’s The Work, is a simple question she uses often. So all-encompassing is it in its simplicity that we might not even give it credence in fact. Here it is: When you’re upset or stressed about something, ask yourself: “Whose business am I in?” The choices are: Mine, Someone Else’s or God’s (you can call it whatever suits you - e.g. Things We Have No Control Over, the Universe, etc.) For more information about Byron Katie’s work and to get a copy of her Judge Thy Neighbour worksheet, which ties in nicely with Whose Business Am I In, or other worksheets go to: http://www.thework.com/resources.asp

I’m currently revisiting the things I’ve been hanging on to to see who’s business I’ve been in and to do exercises to help me let go. I’m also myself what, if anything I could have done differently in these situations, could I have been clearer with people, or exercised firmer boundaries.