Self Improvement Newsletter
Issue # 11, November 22, 1998
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Improvement Newsletter, Click here!Please Visit Our Sponsors
Self Improvement Newsletter
Issue # 11, November 22, 1998
FREE Self
Improvement Newsletter, Click here!
Please Visit Our Sponsors
This is Issue # 11, Sunday, November 22, 1998 of the Self Improvement Weekly
Newsletter, the FREE newsletter for Personal Growth, Self Improvement and Self Help.
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Publishers: David and Michelle Riklan - Self Improvement Online, Inc.
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editors@selfgrowth.com
In this issue:
-> Quotes of the Week - Update these
-> The Top 10 Steps to Forgiveness
-> Stress Management - An Overview
-> Brief News of the World
-> Advertising Section - Please visit our Sponsors
-> How to subscribe to this newsletter
*** QUOTES OF THE WEEK ***
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Live out of your imagination, not your history. - Stephen Covey
The people and circumstances around me do not MAKE me what I am, they REVEAL who I am. -
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you
have a dozen. - John Steinbeck
For a collection of some of our favorite quotes, see our web page at
http://www.selfgrowth.com/quote.html
***THE TOP 10 STEPS TO FORGIVENESS***
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For many people forgiveness is one of the hardest steps of all in our progress toward
freedom of spirit. Yet it is essential. For as long as we are unable to forgive, we keep
ourselves chained to the unforgiven. We give them rent-free space in our minds, emotional
shackles on our hearts, and the right to torment us in the small hours of the night. When
it is time to move on, but still too hard, try some or all of these steps. (Note that
these steps are appropriate for events resulting from an ongoing relationship with anyone.
They may not all be appropriate for the random act of violence from a stranger.)
1. Understand that forgiving does not mean giving permission for the behavior to be
repeated. It does not mean saying that what was done was acceptable. Forgiveness is needed
for behaviors that were not acceptable and that you should not allow to be repeated.
2. Recognize who is being hurt by your non-forgiveness. Does the other person burn with
your anger, feel the knot in your stomach, experience the cycling and recycling of your
thoughts as you re-experience the events in your mind? Do they stay awake as you rehearse
in your mind what you would like to say or do to 'punish' them? No, the pain is all yours.
3. Do not demand to know 'why' as a prerequisite to forgiveness. Knowing why the behavior
happened is unlikely to lessen the pain, because the pain came at a time when you did not
know why. Occasionally there are times when knowing why makes forgiveness unnecessary, but
they are rare. Don't count on it and don't count on even the perpetrator knowing why.
4. Make a list of what you need to forgive. What was actually done that caused your pain?
Not what you felt, what was done.
5. Acknowledge your part. Were you honest about your hurt or did you hide the fact that
the behavior hurt you? Did you seek peace by reassuring the perpetrator that it was all
right? Did you stay when you could or should have left? If so, then you, too, have some
responsibility. (Here you start to move away from being a victim.)
6. Make a list of what you gained from the relationship, whatever form of relationship it
was. Looking back you may be focusing on the negatives, the hurts. Yet if they were
repeated, you must have stayed to allow the repetition. You did not remove yourself. Why?
There must have been some positives if you chose to stay around. What were they?
7. Write a letter to the person (no need to mail it). Acknowledge what you gained from the
relationship, and express forgiveness for the hurts. Allow yourself to express all your
feelings fully. Do not focus only on the hurts.
8. Create a ceremony in which you get rid of your lists and the letter, so symbolizing the
ending of the link between you. You may choose to visualize placing them on a raft and
watching it drift gently away down a river. You may prefer to burn them and scatter the
ashes. You may invent some other form of ritualized separation.
9. Visualize the person you are forgiving being blessed by your forgiveness and, as a
result, being freed from continuing the behavior that hurt you.
10. Now that you have freed yourself from the painful links and released the pain, feel
yourself growing lighter and more joyous. Now you are free to move on with your life
without that burden of bitterness. Do not look back in anger.
About the Submitter:
This piece was originally submitted by Diana Robinson, Ph.D. , Professional Life Coach,
Writer, Editor, Counselor, who can be reached at Diana@choicecoach.com,
or visited on the web at http://www.ChoiceCoach.com.
By focusing on their personal growth, Diana's clients enhance their understanding of what
is truly important to them, and so are able to focus their time and energy on these
things. The result is tremendous growth in both their outward success and their inner joy.
The above article, "The Top 10 Steps to Forgiveness" is under Copyright 1998,
Coach U, all rights reserved. No part of the content of the above article may be
reproduced or transmitted in any form without permission in writing from Coach U and
notification of the original author. Please send e-mail to pam@coachu.com
to inquire.
*** STRESS MANAGEMENT - AN OVERVIEW ***
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In the past several issues of the newsletter we have described a number of specific
techniques designed to reduce stress. They represent only a portion of the many methods
currently in use, which have proven effective in stress management. Here we present a
brief overview of the nature of stress itself, the role it plays in daily life and of some
other approaches in use to manage it.
A current dictionary definition of personal stress describes it as "a specific
response of the body to a stimulus, such as fear of pain, that disturbs or interferes with
the normal physiological equilibrium." It has a physical, emotional and cognitive
component. Often described as a "fight or "flight" response, the stress
reaction is quite common in present day life, and not easy to avoid. When it occurs it can
affect one or more body systems, including the central nervous system, the
skeletal-muscular system, the cardiovascular and gastrointestinal systems. This can lead
to a number of physical disorders such as pains and aches, headaches, constipation and
high blood pressure. It can also cause anxiety, insomnia, fear and depression,
particularly under conditions of chronic stress.
On the other hand, moderate stress, in certain situations may have some positive aspects.
It may serve to activate and motivate an individual to achieve personal or professional
goals. Or it can serve to alert and energize a person in the performance of various tasks.
Individuals differ widely in what they perceive as stressful. What may appear to be"
stressful" to one person may be motivating to another. What causes a person to be
more or less stress prone is not full understood. Certainly it has a genetic component
like most other behavior. Additionally the numerous experiences one has during early and
to even later development play an important role. Finally, family interactions as well as
social and cultural influences also contribute.
Despite limited information as to exactly what leads to individual difference in a
person's stress response, a number of therapeutic approaches have been developed in recent
years designed to help in dealing with or reducing stress reactions, all of which can be
described as programs of "stress management":
1 Pharmacological approaches numerous drugs are now available to help treat the various
symptoms associated with the stress response. These include anti-depressants,
tranquilizers and sedatives. Qualified medical professionals must prescribe these.
2 Dynamic Psychotherapy - Individual dynamic psychotherapy is deigned to help a person
gain some understanding of the psychological factors which may contribute tot the stress
of earlier personal and inter-personal experience, in an effort to understand their
influence on personality and behavior. Through such, understanding and a "working
through" process, "insight" can be achieved and which, may help to reduce
the stress response. A qualified professional should perform such psychotherapy.
3 Behavior Therapy (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) - Often used to treat stress-related
disorder, behavior therapy assumes that changes in behavior can be achieved without
necessarily providing "insight" into the underlying causes. It is based on
learning theory, particularly conditioning. Numerous specific techniques are utilized
including systematic desensitization relaxation training, positive reinforcement and
assertive training, among others. This therapy is designed to change a person's attitude,
perception or "cognition" of what is stressful and thereby modify it. Again a
qualified professional should perform the therapy.
4 Relaxation Techniques - A number of specific techniques have been developed to act
directly on the psychological components of the stress response. These include progressive
relaxation, autogenic training, imagine and visualization, biofeedback and others
(described in previous issues of this newsletter). They can be combined with the other
purposes previously described. Again see a qualified professional.
Finally, although we cannot avoid stress in daily life, numerous treatments are available
to help "manage" it.
*** BRIEF NEWS OF THE WORLD ***
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->Impeachment proceedings begin, and Clinton travels to the Far East.
-> Ken Starr's ethics advisors, Sam Dash, quit saying Starr had "unlawfully
intruded on the power of impeachment.''
-> Twenty-five years after George Steinbrenner and a group of investors purchased the
New York Yankees for $10 million, he appears close to selling the team for a record price.
-> Palestinians will inaugurate their first airport with the arrival of a plane from
Egypt on Tuesday under an accord signed with Israel.
-> President Clinton should lead efforts to keep Social Security solvent but not ask
Congress to raise taxes, House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Bill Archer said
Saturday.
-> Many doctors feel frustration at the pressure put on them by managed-care plans,
according to a new study. The study, published in the New England Journal of Medicine,
finds more than half of physicians feel pressure to limit referrals to specialists and 17
percent say such pressure compromises patient care.
->Dow Jones is up again for the week, closing at a high of 9,159.55.
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COPYRIGHT (C) 1998 by Self Improvement Online, Inc.
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