Self Improvement Newsletter
Issue # 436, January 16-17, 2007
FREE Self
Improvement Newsletter, Click here!Please Visit Our Sponsors
Self Improvement Newsletter
Issue # 436, January 16-17, 2007
FREE Self
Improvement Newsletter, Click here!
Please Visit Our Sponsors
** Self Improvement and Personal Growth Weekly
Newsletter * Issue # 436, Week of January 16-17, 2007
Publisher: David Riklan -
http://www.SelfGrowth.com
In this issue:
-- Quotes of the Week
-- Personal Growth Products and Services
-- Article: Putting Your Best Foot Forward Instead of in Your Mouth:
10 Keys to Successful Communication with Difficult People – By Jeanne-Marie
Grumet
-- Article: Are We Passive Observers or Powerful Creators? – By Gregg Braden
-- Book Review: The Divine Matrix: Bridging Time, Space, Miracles, and Belief –
By Gregg Braden
-- Brief News of the World
-- How to Subscrïbe and Unsubscrïbe from this Newsletter
Current Subscribers – 253,036 subscribers.
Remöval instructions are listed at the end of the newsletter.
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*** Quotes of the Week ***
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The few who do are the envy of the many who only watch. – Jim Rohn, American
Businessman/Author/Speaker
You just don't luck into things as much as you'd like to think you do. You build
step by step, whether it's friendships or opportunities. – Barbara Bush, Former
First Lady of the United States
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the
things we do. – Freya Stark, 1893-1993, British Travel Writer
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*** Article: Putting Your Best Foot Forward Instead of in Your Mouth:
10 Keys to Successful Communication with Difficult People – By Jeanne-Marie
Grumet ***
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We all have to deal with them at one time or another: difficult people. What is
it that makes someone difficult? Why do some people push our buttons more than
others? And how can you handle them in a way that feels better, reduces
conflict, and produces the outcome you want?
There is an important thing to consider. Is what you're doing or saying
contributing to the difficulty? Taking responsibility--for yourself and for the
way you communicate--is an important step to reducing conflict.
Here are some key tips.
1. Are they truly difficult or just different from you?
Sometimes when people have different ways of handling things than we do, we
label them as difficult. Responding with an approach of "that's interesting"
instead of concluding that they're "wrong" or "annoying" can help you find value
in the differences. You may learn something new about yourself or about them.
2. Mirror, mirror...
Often we react because the other person reflects something in ourselves that we
don't like... or don't want to look at. It helps to first take an honest look at
ourselves. You might ask, "Is there any part of me that is like her? Is there
something I'm seeing in her that I find distasteful in myself? Maybe I need to
have more acceptance and compassion for myself."
3. Be aware that there are different styles.
People have natural differences in their behavioral styles. Some people's styles
are brief and to the point. They are more task-oriented. Other people are more
talkative and social and place a higher emphasis on relationships. Then there
are people who tend to be more analytical. They focus on analysis, data, and
order. Still others place a high priority on steadiness and security. If you
communicate in a way that mirrors a person's style, you will be speaking his or
her language. This builds rapport quickly, and you are very likely to have a
successful communication--and less conflict.
4. Actively listen.
Give the person your full attention. It's easy to miss things he or she is
saying when you react emotionally. In this busy world, most of us listen while
we are "multitasking." Try this approach:
* Put yourself in the person's shoes as best you can.
* Ask questions to clarify.
* Summarize or paraphrase--restate in your own words--what he or she has said.
* Finally, acknowledge the person's point of view, even if you don't agree. For
example, you might say, "It seems that this is very important to you" or "I can
hear that you're angry about this." While you're listening, keep the focus on
him or her, rather than bringing it back to you. Ask yourself, "Am I really
listening or just waiting for my turn to speak?"
5. Notice when your emotional "buttons" get pushed.
Take responsibility for your reactions; after all, a person may have pushed your
buttons, but he probably didn't install them. Take a break until you're less
reactive. Interacting when emotions are high can be risky. Taking a walk or
doing some other physical exercise can help to blow off steam.
6. Watch your "yes... buts."
When you use "but" (or "however") after supposedly agreeing with someone ("I
understand, but...") or after giving him a compliment ("You did a great job,
but..."), you are really dismissing or devaluing what the person has said or
done. Instead, use the "yes... and" approach. For example, say "I understand
your perspective, and I'd like to share mine with you."
7. Use "I" statements.
"You" statements tend to create defensive reactions. For example, instead of
"you're always late," say "I need for you to be on time." "I" statements are
more powerful and productive. Be careful about "you" statements in disguise. "I
think you're a jerk" is not an "I" statement.
8. Be aware of your body language and voice.
So much of what we say is communicated through our body language and our voices.
They speak a language all their own. It's often not what we say; it's how we say
it. If your body language is closed (for example, arms and legs crossed), you
are sending a strong message that you are closed off. Even though you may be
comfortable in that position, it's important to be aware that you're sending a
message--a strong message. Open body language sends an important message about
your receptivity. Keeping your arms unfolded and open gestures are examples of
using open body language.
For the general population in this country, if you don't look someone directly
in the eye, there's a perception that you are hiding something or being less
than truthful. Eye communication, such as rolling your eyes (in disgust, for
example), also can speak volumes.
Is your tone of voice adding to the conflict? Some people aren't aware how terse
or edgy they might sound. Try listening to yourself on an audiotape or voice
mail. It can be helpful and enlightening!
9. Focus on and state the positives!
When frustrated or irritated, so much of what gets said is negative. For
example, instead of "why don't you ever clean your room," you can say "I really
love it when your room is clean!" When you ask for a positive outcome, you are
much more likely to have success.
10. Use the 4F model ©.
Here is a model I've created that will help you handle difficult communication.
* Step 1: Foundation valuing statement. Identify and state the genuine value in
the other person or situation.
"What I appreciate about you is..."
"Our relationship is important to me and there's something important I'd like to
talk about with you."
If you're going to say it, make sure it is authentic and sincere! If not, start
with step 2. And remember to leave out the "but" following an appreciation or
acknowledgment.
* Step 2: Facts. Make sure you state observable facts--not assumptions.
"I notice you've been late for our last three meetings."
When you state "the facts" as you see them, it gives you an opportunity to check
if the other person has the same understanding.
* Step 3: Feelings or results. Let the person know how you're feeling about it.
"How I feel about this is..."
"As a result, I'm feeling (irritated, frustrated, sad, etc.)."
* Step 4: Future action. Ask for the change you want.
"What I would like in the future is..."
While you may want others to change because they seem difficult, the only person
you can really change is yourself. Using these 10 key tips will lead to more
successful and satisfying communication--even with those difficult people in
your life.
About the Author:
This article was written by Jeanne-Marie Grumet, contributing author to "101
Great Ways to Improve Your Life: Volume 2." Jeanne-Marie, President of
Communication Catalysts in northern California, is nationally and
internationally respected as a dynamic speaker, author, coach, and facilitator
of leading-edge communication training. For over 20 years, she has engaged
participants in powerful programs that produce lasting, positive results. For
insightful communication tips, visit her website at
http://www.jmgrumet.com
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*** Article: Are We Passive Observers or Powerful Creators? – By Gregg Braden
***
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http://promos.hayhouse.com/promos/braden/
Chapter Three
"We are tiny patches of the universe looking at itself--and building itself." –
John Wheeler (1911– ), physicist
"Imagination creates reality... Man is all imagination." – Neville (1905–1972),
visionary and mystic
In 1854, Chief Seattle warned the legislators in Washington, D.C., how the
destruction of North America's wilderness had implications that would reach far
beyond the current time and threaten the survival of future generations. With a
profound wisdom that's as true today as it was in the mid-19th century, the
chief reportedly stated, "Man did not weave the web of life--he is merely a
strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself."1
The parallel between Chief Seattle's description of our place in the "web of
life" and our connection to (and within) the Divine Matrix is unmistakable. As
part of all that we see, we're participants in an ongoing conversation--a
quantum dialogue--with ourselves, our world, and beyond. Within this cosmic
exchange, our feelings, emotions, prayers, and beliefs at each moment represent
our speaking to the universe. And everything from the vitality of our bodies to
the peace in our world is the universe answering back.
What Does It Mean to "Participate" in the Universe?
Physicist John Wheeler suggests that not only do we play a role in what he calls
a "participatory universe," but we fulfill the primary role. The key to
Wheeler's proposition is the word participatory. In this type of universe, you
and I are part of the equation. We're both catalysts for the events of our
lives, as well as the "experiencers" of what we create... these things are
happening at the same time! We're "part of a universe that is a work in
progress." In this unfinished creation, "we are tiny patches of the universe
looking at itself--and building itself."2
Wheeler's suggestion opens the door to a radical possibility: If consciousness
creates, then the universe itself may be the result of this awareness. While
Wheeler's views were proposed later in the 20th century, we can't help but think
back to Max Planck's 1944 statement that everything exists because of an
"intelligent Mind," which he called "the matrix of all matter." The question
that begs to be asked here is simply: What Mind?
In a participatory universe, the act of focusing our consciousness--of us
looking somewhere and examining the world--is an act of creation in and of
itself. We're the ones observing and studying our world. We're the mind (or at
least part of a greater mind), as Planck described. Everywhere we look, our
consciousness makes something for us to look AT.
In our search to find the smallest particle of matter and our quest to define
the edge of the universe, this relationship suggests that we may never find
either. No matter how deeply we peer into the quantum world of the atom or how
far we reach into the vastness of outer space, the act of us looking with the
expectation that something exists may be precisely the force that creates
something for us to see.
A participatory universe... exactly what would that entail? If consciousness
really creates, then how much power do we actually have to change our world? The
answer may surprise you.
The 20th-century visionary from Barbados known simply by the name of Neville
perhaps best described our ability to make our dreams a reality and bring
imagination to life. Through his numerous books and lectures, in terms that are
simple yet direct, he shared the great secret of how to navigate the many
possibilities of the Divine Matrix. From Neville's perspective, all that we
experience--literally everything that happens to us or is done by us--is the
product of our consciousness and absolutely nothing else. He believed that our
ability to apply this understanding through the power of imagination is all that
stands between us and the miracles of our lives. Just as the Divine Matrix
provides the container for the universe, Neville suggested that it's impossible
for anything to happen outside the container of consciousness.
How easy it is to think otherwise! Immediately after the terrorist acts of
September 11 in New York and Washington, D.C., the questions that everyone was
asking were "Why did THEY do this to US?" and "What did WE do to THEM?" We live
during a time in history when it's so easy to think of the world in terms of
"them" and "us" and wonder how bad things can happen to good people. If there is
in fact a single field of energy that connects everything in our world, and if
the Divine Matrix works the way the evidence suggests, then there can be no THEM
and US, only WE.
From the leaders of nations whom we've learned to fear and hate to the people in
other countries who touch our hearts and invite our love, we're all connected in
what may be the most intimate way imaginable: through the field of consciousness
that's the incubator for our reality. Together, we create the healing or the
suffering, the peace or the war. This could very well be the most difficult
implication of what the new science is showing us. And it might also be the
source of our greatest healing and survival.
Neville's work reminds us that perhaps the biggest error in our worldview is to
look to external reasons for life's ups and downs. While there are certainly
causes and effects that may lead to the events of every day, they seem to
originate from a time and a place that appears completely disconnected with the
moment. Neville shares the crux of the greatest mystery regarding our
relationship to the world around us: "Man's chief delusion is his conviction
that there are causes other than his own state of consciousness."3 Just what
does this mean? It's the practical question that naturally arises when we talk
about living in a participatory universe. When we inquire how much power we
really have to bring about change in our lives and our world, the answer is
simple.
This capability is available to us through the way we use the power of our
awareness and where we choose to place our focus. In his book "The Power of
Awareness," Neville offers example after example of case histories that clearly
illustrate precisely how this works.
One of his most poignant stories has remained with me for years. It involves a
man in his 20s who'd been diagnosed with a rare heart condition that his doctors
believed was fatal. Married with two small children, he was loved by all who
knew him and had every reason in the world to enjoy a long and healthy life. By
the time Neville was asked to speak with him, the man had lost a tremendous
amount of weight and "shrunk to almost a skeleton." He was so weak that even
conversation was hard for him, but he agreed to simply listen and nod his
understanding as Neville shared with him the power of his beliefs.
From the perspective of our participating in a dynamic and evolving universe,
there can be only one solution to any problem: a change in attitude and in
consciousness. With this in mind, Neville asked the man to experience himself as
if his healing had already taken place. As the poet William Blake suggested,
there's a very fine line between imagination and reality: "Man is all
Imagination." Just as physicist David Bohm proposes that this world is a
projection of events in a deeper realm of reality, Blake continues, "All that
you behold, tho' it appears Without, it is Within, / In your Imagination, of
which this World of Mortality is but a Shadow."4 Through the power of
consciously focusing on the things that we create in our imagination, we give
them the "nudge" that brings them through the barrier from the unreal to the
real.
In a single sentence, Neville explains how he provided the words that would help
his new friend accomplish his new way of thinking: "I suggested that in
imagination, he see the doctor's face expressing incredulous amazement in
finding him recovered, contrary to all reason, from the last stages of an
incurable disease, that he see him double-checking in his examination and hear
him saying over and over, 'It's a miracle--it's a miracle.'"5 Well, you can
guess the reason why I'm sharing this story: The fellow DID get better. Months
later, the visionary received a letter telling him that the young man had, in
fact, made a truly miraculous recovery. Neville later met with him and found
that he was enjoying his family and his life in perfect health.
The secret, the man revealed, was that rather than simply wishing for his
health, since the day of their meeting, he had lived from the "assumption of
already being well and healed." And herein we find the secret of propelling our
heart's desires from the state of imagination to the reality of our everyday
lives: It's our ability to feel as if our dreams have already come to life, our
wishes are fulfilled, and our prayers already answered. In this way, we actively
share in what Wheeler called our "participatory universe."
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*** Book Review: The Divine Matrix: Bridging Time, Space, Miracles, and Belief –
By Gregg Braden ***
------------------------------------------------------------
Between 1993 and 2000, a series of groundbreaking experiments revealed dramatic
evidence of a web of energy that connects everything in our lives and our
world--the Divine Matrix. From the healing of our bodies, to the success of our
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