Self Improvement Newsletter
Issue # 449, April 17-18, 2007
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Improvement Newsletter, Click here!Please Visit Our Sponsors
Self Improvement Newsletter
Issue # 449, April 17-18, 2007
FREE Self
Improvement Newsletter, Click here!
Please Visit Our Sponsors
* Self Improvement and Personal Growth Weekly Newsletter
* Issue # 449, Week of April 17-18, 2007
Publisher: David Riklan -
http://www.SelfGrowth.com
In this issue:
-- Quotes of the Week
-- Personal Growth Products and Services
-- Article: Make Small Talk? I'd Rather Eat Worms! By Signe A. Dayhoff
-- Article: Is 'Stinkin Thinkin' Sabotaging Your Success? By Michelle
Armstrong
-- Book Review: Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to
Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment By Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D.
-- Brief News of the World
-- How to Subscribe and Unsubscribe from this Newsletter
Current Subscribers 255,644 subscribers Removal instructions are listed at the
end of the newsletter.
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*** Quotes of the Week ***
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A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people,
of getting things done. Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1890-1969, 34th President of the
United States
Regret for wasted time is more wasted time. Mason Cooley, 1927-2002, American
Aphorist
Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised. Denis
Waitley, American Author/Speaker/Peak Performance Expert
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*** Personal Growth Products and Services ***
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*** Article: Make Small Talk? I'd Rather Eat Worms! By Signe A. Dayhoff ***
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Small talk is any superficial personal communication between two or more people.
It is the vehicle through which you approach people to test to see if you share
interests, attitudes, philosophies, values, histories, and experiences on which
you and the other person can build. It is the method by which you discover if
you are interested in getting to know the other person better.
You can make small talk during in-person meetings, in chat rooms, on bulletin
boards, on voice mail, and in text messaging. However, it is important to note
that the more impersonal forms of communication are not as effective as
face-to-face communication because they lack the texture, depth, and richness of
in-person interaction which is essential to developing relationships.
But "small" talk is a misnomer. There is nothing small or trivial about it. It
is the basis and beginning of every relationship, from personal to professional
to business; that is, it is virtually impossible to meet and get to know people
without the aid of simple, casual conversation in some format.
Yet, surprisingly, at least 95 percent of Americans report being uncomfortable
conversing with strangers. Why?
Small talk is a form of speaking in public, which, according to polls, is still
our number-one fear. Children are repeatedly warned not to talk to strangers.
Today, much of our communication is automated and anonymous so that our
everyday, in-person communication skills with new people become rusty. We become
shy and unsure about how to act. Consequently, we discount the necessity of
small talk and try to avoid it.
Small talk is like a casual game of tennis. The goal is to keep the
conversational ball in the air while giving both participants an equal
opportunity to hit the ball. You strive for a comfortable rhythm. Playing to
your partner's strengths is more important than concentrating on your own.
Making fancy shots or acing out the other player will likely bring the
conversation to a speedy conclusion. The object of the game: everyone's
satisfaction, a good workout, and the mutual desire for another game.
When you work on small talk, it is essential that you focus on the process, not
on the outcome. This means you need to develop skills in both approaching and
speaking with others and make a plan to use these skills. This is what Pauline
did.
Pauline was tired of staying home or standing on the periphery of conversations
at social gatherings, so she decided to become more socially effective. She
began to think of being with a group of strangers as being in a rowboat in a sea
of interaction possibilities. To move herself forward, she needed to use an
oar--the first principle of small talk--observing others, asking questions, and
revealing something about yourself.
She began by developing eye contact, a smile, and open body positions to make
her more approachable. Next, she wrote a brief but interesting introduction for
herself (e.g., "Hi, I'm Pauline, and I coach people to laugh."). Sometimes the
introduction included an interest, hobby, activity, work, etc. Once she had
heard the other person's name, she repeated it to get it right and remember it.
In order to make knowledgeable small talk in each new circumstance, she learned
about the event and the people likely to be present beforehand. She examined her
reasons for going and what benefit she wanted to receive (e.g., contacts, fun,
making friends, business) so she could determine afterward if she had achieved
her goal. Furthermore, she took time to be up on current events, scanning a
paper daily, to give her more possibilities for finding topics and similarities.
She discovered that she needed to have icebreakers ready. Using a short list of
boilerplate small talk examples, she could tailor a conversation opener to any
situation or person. They reflected a variety of open-ended questions and
comments for each of three basic topic areas:
* event, circumstance, or environment (weather, what's going on in the news, or
the actual physical environs of the event, like the lighting, colors, artwork,
music, furniture, architecture, accessories)
* the other person (name, accent, appearance, attire, belongings)
* yourself (name, job, hobbies, interests, attire, background, belongings).
The event and environment were guaranteed to give her something in common with
the other person because they were experiencing these things together.
Pauline found that she shouldn't discount the weather as a topic. She would make
it into amusing anecdotes or into something with which the other person could
identify. One she liked: "I was in such a hurry to get here before the rain
started that I left my bag on the roof of the car but didn't realize it until it
began to pour, and the soggy bag slithered down the windshield onto my wipers."
In her initial conversations she kept her topics neutral so as not to engender
strong emotions and polarize the conversation. Since this is all very tentative
at the beginning, when she was not sure there was a match, she remained somewhat
impersonal; that is, while she was upbeat and enthusiastic, and disclosing to a
degree, she did not immediately pour out her innermost dreams and desires to
this new person because too much personal sharing too soon can be overwhelming.
When she first arrived, she stationed herself by the door and greeted people as
they entered. Her acting as a host, not as a guest, created an immediately
friendly and positive first impression. If they had been wearing name tags, it
would have given her the opportunity to see and say their names and to determine
if there were certain people with whom she wished to speak later. She then would
have been able to locate them with relative ease, and they would have recognized
her. She found that the buffet table and bar offered similar opportunities.
Pauline discovered that she could give herself more control in an interaction by
introducing herself first. She would choose the person and prepare what to say
and how to say it. This allowed her to direct the topic by making the first
statement or asking the first question. Being first also removed the
anxiety-producing anticipation of waiting for someone to speak to her and not
knowing what would be asked or how to respond. The rest was listening,
dovetailing what the other said, and disclosing a little about herself.
Her maiden voyage into the world of small talk was at a photographic gallery
opening. While she felt a little awkward at first, she found that remaining
relaxed, focusing on the other person, and looking for and commenting on
commonalities made it a very pleasant experience. She even made some
acquaintances with whom she could follow up.
As Pauline learned, the whole object of small talk is to find bonds on which you
and the other person can build. Once you find them, you can explore them and
expand on them. When you reframe small talk as the relationship generator and
acknowledge what it can do for you, you can begin to make it your own most
powerful social effectiveness strategy.
Copyright © 2006, Signe A. Dayhoff, PhD.
About the Author:
This article was written by Signe A. Dayhoff, Ph.D., contributing author to "101
Great Ways to Improve Your Life: Volume 2." Known as the Social Effectiveness
Guru, Dr. Signe has helped thousands transform their self-presentation anxiety
into social effectiveness. She is a psychologist, coach, trainer, author, and
President of Effectiveness-Plus, LLC. Claim your free newsletter at
http://www.effectiveness-plus.com
Her article above is one of 101 great chapters that can be found in "101 Great
Ways to Improve Your Life: Volume 2." This powerful compilation book -- with
John Gray, Jack Canfield, Richard Carlson, Bob Proctor, Alan Cohen, and
countless other experts -- contains 101 chapters of proven advice on how to
improve your life.
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----------------------------------------------------
*** Article: Is 'Stinkin Thinkin' Sabotaging Your Success? By Michelle
Armstrong ***
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Once upon a time I was so depressed and so convinced my life was going nowhere
that I quit my job and lay helpless in bed for three weeks feeling sorry for
myself. What I was unable to realize at the time was that my depression was
largely a result of my 'stinkin thinkin.' My mind was a consistent chaotic
symphony of so many negative thoughts and beliefs that everywhere I looked in
life, all that was reflected back to me was sorrow, dread, and tragedy -- a mere
projection of my thoughts.
Then one day it finally dawned on me that if I wanted to change my situation,
all I needed to do was change my thinking. This blinding flash of the obvious
appeared with such clarity, I laughed out loud in a sort of semi-shock of
awareness. How on earth could I have missed such a seemingly simple concept?
Well, probably most of us weren't taught that our thoughts create our reality
and results in life, and because most people don't realize this, they end up
living in unnecessary pain and turmoil. Most people haven't yet fully grasped
the concept, that what we think about most in life, we bring about.
For far too long I had been letting my mind control me, rather than me managing
and controlling my mind. I believed I was separate from my thoughts and
powerless to change them. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue, it all became
crystal clear. I awakened to the reality that I was solely responsible for all
the results being produced in my life because basically I was creating my
results through my thinking about my life. What an epiphany! What insight!
The realization that I was 100% responsible for my reality filled me with so
much power and joy, because in that moment, I realized I always have choices. I
could choose to continue to depress, or I could choose something else like
choosing to be happy, choosing to be creative, choosing to be motivated, or
choosing to be free. AND YOU CAN DO THE SAME!
Ever since that day, every area of my life has radically changed for the better.
What's even more exciting is that cutting edge sciences such as quantum physics
and neuroscience studies, for example, are now providing scientific evidence
that clearly demonstrates the power of intention and focus. Imagine that! Makes
you wonder what else we are capable of then, doesn't it?
The implications of being at cause in your life are nothing less than
world-changing!
The moment you wake up, you create your world as I create mine. What determines
what you experience in your world versus what I experience, comes down to our
internal filters -- our beliefs, memories, values etc. If we want different
results in our lives, we must first learn how to modify our internal filters in
such a way that they align with our desired intentions. What this ultimately
means is that when you learn how to manage your thinking, you can accomplish
anything and I mean annnything! Wealth, health, happiness, freedom. You name it,
you can attain it.
Your Mind is Your Biggest Asset
When you take charge of all the mind's many functions -- what you focus on,
value, believe, and intend -- you can improve your health, create harmonious
relationships, multiply your financial success, and increase your effectiveness
in every area of life.
If you are currently unaware of how these deeper, unconscious aspects of your
mind are determining your results, you are letting yourself get tossed against
the rocks in a wide open sea of possibilities. As soon as you learn to manage
your mind, you will no longer get tossed about by life. Instead, you will take
charge of life and live it the way you desire it to be.
So imagine now if you could alter your future in any way (and you can)... how
would you want it to be? What would you be, do, and have?
When you have the realization that YOU are the one in charge of your destiny,
it's a bit like winning the lottery. Suddenly you have this world of opportunity
and possibilities before you to choose from, coupled with all the resources you
will ever need to fulfill your wildest dreams.
There's no need for pain, struggle, and heartache in this life. You CAN live a
life of freedom, passion, abundance, and fulfillment, if this is what you
choose. I guarantee it!
To your success!
Michelle Armstrong
About the Author:
Using the principles she teaches, Michelle went from being in an unsatisfying
career, depression, frustration, and $60,000 in the red, to a career she loves
and is passionate about, and six figures in the black.
Michelle is the president and founder of Mind Management, an organization that
teaches business professionals how to have a passionate and lucrative career by
increasing their effectiveness.
Michelle is a powerful Business Effectiveness Coach and dynamic motivational
speaker. She is the author of "Manage Your Mind, Master Your Life" and creator
of The Armstrong Method -- 6 revolutionary steps to success.
To find out more about Michelle, her coaching programs, speaking topics, and
seminars, please visit
http://www.armstrongmethod.com/
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*** Book Review: Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to
Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment By Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D.
***
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In this user-friendly road map for human emotion, the author of the best-selling
"Learned Optimism" proposes ratcheting the field of psychology to a new level.
"Relieving the states that make life miserable... has made building the states
that make life worth living less of a priority. The time has finally arrived for
a science that seeks to understand positive emotion, build strength and virtue,
and provide guideposts for finding what Aristotle called the 'good life,'"
writes Seligman.
Thankfully, his lengthy homage to happiness may actually live up to the
ambitious promise of its subtitle. Seligman doesn't just preach the merits of
happiness -- e.g., happy people are healthier, more productive, and contentedly
married than their unhappy counterparts -- but he also presents brief tests and
even an interactive Web site to help readers increase the happiness quotient in
their own lives.
Trying to fix weaknesses won't help, he says; rather, incorporating strengths
such as humor, originality, and generosity into everyday interactions with
people is a better way to achieve happiness. Skeptics will wonder whether it's
possible to learn happiness from a book. Their point may be valid, but Seligman
certainly provides the attitude adjustment and practical tools (including
self-tests and exercises) for charting the course. (Copyright 2002 Cahners
Business Information, Inc.)
*****
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