© Martyn Carruthers

When I am asked about pressing social problems, I think of parenting. This article presents some observations about co-dependent relationships between mothers and their sons, gained while coaching people to clarify their relationships using the techniques of Soul Centred Changework. This article summarises a typical pattern of an adult male child who is co-dependent with his mother. (Note: Father-daughter co-dependency is equally common and equally predictable.)

The Hand That Rocks the Cradle
A man who is bonded to his mother will rarely request coaching on that issue. He will typically be convinced that HE does not need it. He may ask for help in handling his emotions, or for pain-control to relieve some symptom that he says is NOT psychosomatic. He is unlikely to recognise the consequences of his relationship with his mother, nor the benefits of emotional independence.

To understand the life pattern of such a man, first consider a pregnant woman. This woman is creating human life and will support a child through the most vulnerable stages of life. While pregnant, she may receive a lot of attention and be constantly acknowledged for her femininity. She often experiences a sense of purpose and strong female emotions; and she may feel the fullness of femininity.

After her baby is born, attention usually shifts from the Mother to Baby. Mother may feel empty and powerless, often part of postpartum depression, and may deal with these unpleasant feelings by becoming a "Super-Mother". Mother may overwhelm Baby with love.

Father may feel rejected by Mother, particularly if Father is friendless and depends on his wife for his sense of being. Baby may seem to usurp his place. Father may feel that Baby is a rival for his wife’s love, particularly if Baby is a boy and the first child.

As Son grows older, Mother may demand that Son make a special contribution to the world (that Mother cannot or will not make herself). Mother's expectations are often inversely proportional to the depth of her partnership. For Mother to feel special, Son must be very special. Mother may sacrifice her life for Son. Such a sacrifice is often a “family tradition”, and other family members may applaud. Mother is again appreciated – but for her Son.

The Son may agree, disagree or suffer conflict:
Agree: "YES - I'll be the special child-man that you need!"

Disagree: "NO - I am a child - I will not do this. I withdraw or rebel until you accept me as I am!"

Conflict: "Sometimes I will withdraw and sometimes I will be the special child-man that you want"

Mother may demand that Son fulfil her expectations. The real boy is neither accepted nor known. Mother compensates for her decreasing intimacy with her partner by forming a “substitute partnership” with Son. Mother uses Son to fulfil HER need for intimacy, and to relieve HER emptiness. Mother pressures Son to accomplish what the she can't or won't.

Son may fear the failure of fulfilling Mother's expectations. He may fear that she will replace her love with anger or rejection. Son may become a model "good boy" to please and try to heal his Mother, or he may withdraw into an often-friendless depression to avoid Mother’s demands.

As this co-dependency increases, Mother and Son may increasingly reject Father. As the parental partnership worsens, Mother bonds to Son more than to Father. Son may be expected and encouraged to fill (usually asexually) the parental partnership void. (In many families this is normal behaviour.)

On reaching puberty - Son may want to move toward other women but is still a “partner” to Mother. Son represses his conflicting and unpleasant emotions and may try to live hyper-rationally to avoid them, or he may suffer long-term depression. The Son will likely have self-esteem issues. Is he an adult-boy? Is he a child-man? Is he Mother’s partner? Which “self” can he esteem?

Some of Son's Hidden Emotions
He feels sadness about his "lost childhood".
He feels anger about pressure by women
He feels fear of being controlled by women
He feels fear of being rejected by women
He feels guilt for abandoning a partner.

Part of Son's Relationship Cycle
He meets a potential partner, who accepts him as he is.
He honours her specialness.
She wants an intimate relationship with a Man.
But he has not left his first “partnership” with Mother.
She wants to know his feelings, but he cannot express them.
She becomes increasingly demanding, just like Mother.
She seems to be always sad or angry – just like Mother.
He may become a "good boy" – just like with Mother, and/or
He may withdraw from his unpleasant feelings – just like with Mother.
She feels angry and rejects his “false” goodness and his withdrawal.
He feels angry and rejects her demands.
One or both feel trapped and may seek distractions, or other partners.
They may end their partnership to seek new partners, and/or
They may create an addict-helper relationship, and/or
They may create a Baby in an attempt to re-create intimacy.

Questions for Study Groups
1. What may happen if such couples stay together?
2. What may happen if such couples separate or divorce?
3. What may happen if such couples try to re-create intimacy by having children?
4. What may happen if such couples dissolve their co-dependency bonds?

For articles about Soulwork, go www.soulwork.net.

Author's Bio: 

www.soulwork.net