Get Smart! About Modern Love

Let me stress this point very clearly. There are no set “rules” for love in the 21st century. Love is not a game which requires you to abide by rules. When you are dealing with human emotions, you are dealing with deep, heartfelt, unpredictable feelings. But one thing that has changed the way the game is played is diversity. Acceptance of diversity is central to our new ways of living and loving, and there are as many different types of romantic relationships as there are people on this earth. There are those who choose not to marry, interracial couples, families with children from other marriages, and a whole host of “alternative” combinations. Modern romantic love is individually defined by the couple, and the choices that they make are based on their personal life experiences, beliefs, and needs. The wonderful thing about modern love is that we are free to choose the type of person that we want to love.

The British sociologist Anthony Giddens in his 1993 book, The Transformation of Intimacy: Sexuality, Love, and Eroticism in Modern Societies, describes our modern society as a “risk society” with three important trends affecting it: globalization, de-traditionalization, and social reflexivity. Globalization is how the boundaries of our world are becoming less and less apparent, which makes for a more diverse and multicultural population. Traditions in our society are also becoming de-traditionalized, in that people no longer do things because they have “always been done that way,” which gives people more freedom of choice to live their lives as they want. Social reflexivity allows people to write their own biographies (or life scripts) and enables them to live with greater uncertainty. Thus, people will seek out happiness through their uniquely designed personal path. Giddens also describes how human emotional experience is being radically transformed as we move from a pre-modern to a late modern society. He says that humans are “knowledgeable actors” in that we have the capacity to reflect on and act in our life.

Because people are beginning to actively think about what they do, and as more people choose alternative styles of love, the traditions that surround love will soon begin to fall away. Our society will move to a more de-traditionalized world that emphasizes personal choice. When you stop to think about how outdated the romantic love concept actually is, you will begin to realize the special power you have. Remember that we no longer live in the Middle Ages where women and men had unequal roles in life, were treated differently, and had different economic and social status.

Today, women have a far greater degree of equality. Because of this, romantic roles and expectations have changed. It is hard to believe that our entire world has evolved into a modern society, with the exception of “romantic love.” We have not let the world of love evolve and adapt to meet the needs of society. However, as people of the 21st century evolve to fulfill their Higher Selves, our consciousness will be raised. And as we become more aware, we will realize the power that we have to create our destiny. The rapid advancement of technology and the “information age” have made us more progressive and “open” than ever before. As a result of this expansion, we will have different needs, unique personal and professional opportunities, and much more spiritual reasons for choosing our true life mate.

Thus, our western perception of love needs to change if we are going to make smart decisions. One thing about romantic love that needs to be re-defined is that love only occurs between a man and a woman. Or that romantic love is supposed to make you feel ecstatic and silly. Or that love will last forever. None of these are necessarily true in today’s world. Homosexual love is part of mainstream culture and cannot be denied. Real love does not make you say and do stupid things.

Of the three, having your love last forever is the most attainable, but people of the 21st century realize that it will only last if you are with the right person and if both partners continuously work on making the relationship happy and healthy. Even still, it is hard for people today to think of “forever,” because it is very deterministic and many people tend to live happily in the moment. Many couples choose to take the relationship one day at a time, and commit to love the person on a daily basis. This provides a sense of freedom and a sense of “realness.” By having this kind of open, trusting, and loving romance, you are empowering the relationship, giving it the necessary attention and room to grow that it needs. If you stop to think about it, this is a more healthy way to love. Certainly people hope that their relationship will last, but they also realize that hope must be combined with a conscious effort to make the dream of “forever love” a reality.

Romantic love has evolved over the centuries. An excellent book on the subject is Diane Ackerman’s A Natural History of Love. I would recommend reading this book to see for yourself how ever-changing societal influences such as gender equality, level of education, and element of choice have effected the way people love and have loved throughout our human history.

One of the most recent and most influential eras of our modern times was the 1960’s. The “free-love” philosophy started during the sexual revolution has changed romantic love dramatically. Let’s consider some of the other factors that shape the way we live and love today. 21st Influences on Romantic Love

§ Confusion of roles--- men and women have a hard time knowing what to say or how to act, especially in relation to romance.

§ Lack of education about love---we often don’t learn proper ways of loving and relating from our parent’s or from our partners—so where can we “get smart” about love?

§ More personal opportunity—with more access to education and careers, we place different value on relationships, often placing love lower on the list of priorities.

§ Less traditions---we are free to live our lives as we want, not as how tradition has dictated it---which again creates the responsibility of choice.

§ More technology and information---it is easy to get disconnected from people when we spend much of our time interacting with machines and computers.

§ Less security---some feel there is not a lot to depend on these days, as there is very little stability in either the family or career worlds.

§ More diversity---as we continue to become a multi-cultural society, our potential mates and marriages will reflect the social make-up of our nation.

§ Changing political, economic, and social climate---as our external values and agendas change, so will our internal ones, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

§ Lack of commitment to family---rampant divorce and poor child-rearing practices, if not effectively dealt with, will continue to wreak havoc on our family systems.

§ Increased awareness of our interconnectedness---a sense of meaning and the development of spirituality will continue to evolve and reveal itself.

Characteristics of Modern Romantic Love
· Element of choice
· Can become more complicated due to choice
· Use of free will
· Ever-changing to keep up with the ever-evolving world around us
· Acknowledges alternative lifestyles and lovestyles
· Is more realistic and attainable
· Emphasizes the day-to-day commitment
· Accountability to each other and to the relationship
· Easier to enter into and exit from
· More time focused on “Self-Promotion” prior to beginning a long-term relationship
· Strives for equality between the partners
· Looks to the future
· Individually defined and experienced by each couple
· Inclusive rather than exclusive to all types of people and partnerships
· Delays marriage and children
· Uses reflective thinking when making decisions

Modern love is much more open and freer in many ways, not only where gender roles are concerned, but also with sexuality and family issues. The American dream of getting married, having 2.5 children, and living in a four-bedroom house with a two-car garage is diminishing, along with many other societal expectations for what people should do as adults. This kind of life is not the reality for everyone today. In most modern marriages, both husband and wife work, which can make it difficult to raise children. In addition, there are millions of people who simply choose alternative lifestyles that may or may not include traditional factors.

Divorce has had a major impact on the way we view love. Marital ‘contracts’ are easier than ever to break. All the more reason for people to make better decisions. Because modern love emphasizes the elements of choice and conscious decision-making, we no longer have to get or stay married just because society or our families say that we "should."

This article was adapted from the book, Get Smart! About Modern Romantic Relationships: Your Personal Guide to Right and Real Love.