What do you look for in an online profile when deciding whether to contact someone?
Is it easier or harder for men versus women to make the first move in online dating?
How do you maximize your odds of getting a positive response back from someone?
So much has been written about face-to-face first impressions. But what does it take to make a great online dating first impression? Thanks to interviews with Candace, Harris, and Jason, three active, insightful online daters, we finally have some answers.
It’s Your Move
“I like to make first contact with prospects,” says Candace, a 29-year-old High School English teacher from New York City. “I can pick out exactly what I want from the mix.”
Harris, a 35-year-old retail manager from New Jersey, likes for women to make the first move. “I find it more encouraging if I know right off the bat that the other person is interested,” shares Harris. “There’s less chance of rejection that way!” When rejection fears drop they are replaced by confidence, an important feeling in dating.
What’s the bottom line? The traditional days of waiting for men to make the first move are over! If a woman sees an intriguing profile, she can make that first move. The guy will likely be flattered.
The Gender Advantage
Who really has it easier online, the men or the women? According to Jason, a 32-year-old computer engineer from California, “It’s easier for men because they are really just choosing based on photos. If she looks good in the photo, send her a note and hope she looks like her photo in person.”
Candace and Harris both believe women have the advantage in cyber-dating. “All a woman has to do is put up a cute photo and make contact,” says Candace. Harris agrees, “Women can go after what they want and then have the right of refusal!”
It looks like we won’t solve this gender battle here. One thing is for sure, a terrific yet genuine online photo makes all the difference!
A Profile to Make Them Smile
Genders aside, what does it really take to get someone fired up about your profile? It comes down to turn-ons and turn-offs. So what do Candace, Jason, and Harris believe is on each list:
• The Turn-ons: intelligence, humility, sense of humor, down-to-earth, authenticity
• The Turn-offs: negativity, cockiness, high-maintenance, snobby, players
So if you’re smart, funny, honest, and humble the dates will be rolling in. However, if you’re conceited, demanding, and pretentious get ready for “no new messages” in your online dating inbox.
Cyber-Love Me, Cyber-Love Me Not!
Deciding who to contact is one thing, actually mustering the courage to do it is another. The key here is to personalize the message. “I’ll send an email to the guy mentioning something interesting I read in their profile,” explains Candace. “I’ll also mention any common interests and offer to chat further.”
Harris also strives to stimulate further conversation. “I’ll ask a few specific questions that require more than a simple yes or no response.” Jason is a big believer in humor. “I’ll remark about their username or something in their profile. I lighten the mood by being silly and see if they respond to that.”
The key is to engage the other person. Peek their curiosity and you’ll open the door to continued conversation.
Anybody Home?
Once you send that first email or instant message, it’s out of your hands. Hoping for a positive response can lead to anxiety, vulnerability, and impatience. But Candace, Harris, and Jason take it all in stride. “I feel curious more than anything,” says Candace. “I try not to get too excited because it’s so early in the process.”
Harris and Jason both feel a sense of accomplishment after sending that first email. “I feel satisfied that I was able to come up with something clever and wait to see if it works out,” says Harris. Jason doesn’t let himself get too worried. “I don’t even know if they’re going to respond at this point, so why get too concerned?”
Good Netiquette
If you respond to an ad right away does that make you desperate? Does waiting two weeks to respond kill your chances? “People usually respond within a couple of days or not at all,” shares Candace. “It’s really way too early to take any of it personally.”
Harris and Jason agree with the one to two day window. “A quick response shows interest,” says Harris. Jason has a wise crack ready for women who take more than two weeks to respond. “It usually doesn’t go anywhere when they take more than two weeks, so I’ll definitely make a comment about it.”
Be Specific, B-E Specific!
So why do some emails get responses in 1-2 days, and others two weeks or never? Attraction is of course important, but what you write in your first communication makes a huge difference too. “I never want my emails to sound generic because there’s nothing worse than that,” reveals Candace. “I try to pick out specific points from his profile and write about that.” One time Candace noticed a prospect liked the show “Family Guy” just like her. “I made a funny reference to a specific episode and I guess he thought that was cool because he responded right away.”
Jason believes in the power of humor. “I try to start with a catchy and flirty phrase and see what happens.” If Jason gets back something flirtatious, he knows he’s piqued their interest and distinguished himself from the online crowd.
The Fault Line
It’s not all about what you do right. There are some common mistakes and pitfalls that can get your email deleted faster than spam. “Coming across too confident can be a mistake,” believes Harris. “By the same respect, being nervous and unsure of yourself can cost you.” Jason thinks it’s all about creativity. “Sending out two or three generic, boring lines just won’t cut it.”
Candace believes you need to start simple. “Don’t get too personal in that first email,” she explains. “You don’t even know if the guy is interested so there’s no need to spill everything right away.”
Ready, Set, Date!
Whether you’re looking for a casual relationship or your soulmate, it all starts with the online first impression. So take some web dating advice from Candace, Harris, and Jason and you’ll be on your way to making a great second impression!
Jeff Cohen is the Dating and Relationship Expert for About.com, the 10th most popular website on the Internet. His latest articles on meeting someone new, online dating, getting serious, breaking up, and engagement can be viewed at www.dating.about.com. Jeff Cohen has been a featured dating expert in major newspapers and TV shows including USA Today, New York Daily News, MSN Online and Voice of America. Jeff can be reached at dating.guide@about.com.
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