Internet Dating: Can I Make It Work?

Internet Dating: Can I Make It Work?

In a word: maybe. But if you want to have any success in online dating, you’re going to have to do something totally different from what all the unsuccessful women are doing. Considering most of them are doing the same stuff and continue doing it even though it’s not working, that should give you hope.

So let’s go through a list of things so many women are doing in their profiles that don’t work, some of which men simply know isn’t honest and some of which really tick us off or run us off. And by the way, a man with integrity and self-respect – the man you want to meet – will pass if he senses any dishonesty.

No picture or an old picture

Match.com did a survey and found that far and away the number one peeve is profiles without photos. Basically, no photo, no responses – or not many, at least. But sometimes it’s worse when they use an old one – it’s dishonest and no one wants to meet a dishonest person.

I’ve personally met women I couldn’t possibly recognize from the picture in their profile. Or maybe I recognized her face but her picture gave me no inkling that she was 80 pounds overweight. In the case of old pictures, that’s often the reason they use them: they don’t want men to know how much they’ve gained in the last 10 years so they use a 10 year old picture!

Now, what do you suppose a man’s reaction is going to be when he meets someone who looks 10 years older and 50 pounds heavier than he expected? Guaranteed disappointment! Not to mention, he’s ticked off because he was deliberately misled. I’ve known some guys who will just walk out on a date when that happens – and I can’t blame them!

Lying about age and/or weight

This is often combined with the no picture/old picture scam. I doubt this is going on much with younger women but it seems like after some magic age it becomes so commonplace, we men half expect it! The problem with lying is, the truth eventually comes out and the guy’s going to be really pissed off when it does.

The real killer about this lying and misleading is some of these women who do this are adamant in their profiles that they want an honest man, some even questioning if such a man exists! Excuse me?

A “Full Life”

A lot of women seem to think men are attracted to them if they talk about how full and busy their lives are: lots of time spent with family and friends, sports and other hobbies and a demanding career. Okay, why would a man be interested in a woman who doesn’t have time for him? Enough said about that.

Long list of parameters or criteria

Most women list all these criteria and parameters they’re looking for, a wish list of things they require in someone before they’ll even meet them. Let’s call it “conscious attraction”. It’s the list of things she logically thinks she should look for.

But there are serious problems with that: First of all, it narrows the field down to about nothing sometimes and second, if there’s no unconscious attraction there’s no relationship. What if you narrow it down to one guy, then find out he’s a jerk? Or some wuss without a life of his own?

Look, when a woman has a long shopping list it says very bad things about her to men. One, it says she assumes every guy is going to fall all over himself to win her - no matter what she looks like - two, it says she really believes she can be that picky and three, if she has a list of activities she does and wants a man to also do, it just screams “control freak” to us.

“Love to travel”

You might like to travel and a lot of women are really looking forward to doing a lot of it. But I wouldn’t suggest saying that in a profile.

What a man sees when he reads “love to travel” is, “I want to travel and take the trips I’ve always dreamed of but can’t afford until you pay for them.” It will eliminate about 60% of the men instantly but an amazing percentage of women say it. They have no idea the message they’re putting across or how self-respecting men feel about women who are primarily after their money.

A lady pointed out to me that if a 50 year-old man wants to “buy” a trophy wife he can get a gorgeous 35 year-old. Why would he be interested in a 50-something woman who wants his money?

“Friends First”

If the shopping list screams “control freak” this one – usually used in the headline of a profile – screams it through a megaphone. Most of us know what the woman is trying to say, that she’s not going to have sex with a man right away, and to most of us that’s fine – we’ll respect that. But we’d respect it a lot more if she’d just say that! See, the problem with her announcing right up front that we have to be friends first is two-fold: First, it says that she has some pre-determined plan laid out (a big turn-off for men) and second, a smart guy knows that once a woman puts him in the “friend” category, that’s where he’ll stay. And the smart guy will pass right on by.

Come up with a simple, friendly and catchy headline then in the text of the profile say you’re more comfortable with a man who’s willing to spend some time getting to know each other before getting intimate. That will get the point across without running off the guys you want to meet. Those men will respect you!

Wounded bird syndrome

A lot of women will slip something into their profiles about having had negative experiences with men, a bad marriage, etc. Some of them will clearly lay all the blame at the feet of their ex’s. Bad move. The smart guy, a man with any intuition, will see that and think if he meets her he’s going to have to sit and listen to a tirade about her ex or men in general. No one likes a person with a blaming, victim mentality. Next profile!

“Are there any good men?”

Insult an entire gender and you shouldn’t expect a member of it to be very interested in having any kind of relationship with you. I’ve seen this used as a headline many times and at one time I was dumb enough to write to the woman and try to show her that there are some good men and I’m one of them. Pretty naïve of me, huh? See, she has such a negative opinion of men, she’s a lost cause. She’s gone through life blaming men for everything that’s gone wrong in her life and she’s not about to quit now! But she still thinks there might just be that one perfect man out there who will fix her problems instead of “causing” them like all the other guys have done.

Bad spelling!

In that Match.com survey the number two peeve was bad spelling and punctuation. Not only does it show a lack of literacy, it makes it look like she doesn’t care how she presents herself. It’s not that hard to type up what you want to say in a word processor with spell check and paste it in, or have a friend edit it.

So what’s the point of using the Internet?

This whole idea of “finding a relationship” on a dating site is a bunch of hooey as far as I’m concerned. Yet that seems to be what people think they’re going to accomplish. The reality is a relationship either happens or it doesn’t, whether you think you’re compatible with the other person or not. Chemistry and instincts are what determine it. Can we narrow the field and maybe save some time we’d waste meeting people who aren’t anywhere near right for us? Absolutely! But you still have to meet someone – actually meet them - to make a good decision.

When Internet dating first started the premise was that we could use it to meet people we otherwise wouldn’t have the opportunity to meet. And it works if that’s what you try to use it for. Heck, I’ve made friends all over the country and even in other countries!