Imprisoned by Messages

It is a child-like state that results in having one’s self-worth dependent on external validation. It’s about living from the outside in, molding oneself to fit around others’ lives instead of directing the course of one’s life from internal clues, hopes, dreams, wisdom, and power. . . The underlying cry is, “Am I good enough? Do you love me? Take care of me. Please don’t leave me.” Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D. –Many Roads, One Journey

We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security. Step 1, Sixteen Steps for Discovery and Empowerment.

It is difficult to detach ourselves from the events in our life that have brought us to this moment. The messages that my parents, teachers and others in positions of authority gave me combined themselves into one big “you’re no good” message, and it affected my life to its deepest levels. How it became that way is the subject of numerous books on codependency. Authors and therapists, such as Robert Burney and Charlotte Kasl, have built their practice around helping people regain their self-esteem and heal the wounds in their life.

Although there are virtually no humans alive that are not scarred by life in some way, the great majority of individuals who have not recognized the results of their scars are imprisoned by these negative messages. No matter the situation, there is a negative message on a continuous loop, ready to shoot down any thought of self-worth or personal success. Those who live their life listening to these messages live out their daily existence as the victims of any number of psychological or social disorders, parents of dysfunctional families themselves, unhappy in their relationships or their career choices, and working very hard at just getting through the day. Feeling nothing, either by active choice or through self-medication using food, drugs, sex, or alcohol, life becomes a vicious cycle leading to self-destruction, if that which causes this message to play over and over again is not effectively dealt with.

One of the first things I discovered while recovering from codependency and low self-esteem was setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is difficult at first, because it seems that you are limiting what you can do for others – and that seems really selfish, and the last thing I wanted to be thought about me was that I was selfish. What I was doing, without knowing it, was limiting myself to what I should be doing, and refusing to do or give more than I was capable of doing. I learned where that line was, and I had to insist that it be honored. Amazingly, people got used to hearing me say “no” to unreasonable requests for my time or financial assistance. I got used to taking charge of my life. I was out of my imprisonment, and it was a good feeling.

That was the next item on the list: Feelings - learning to feel, without letting what I feel dictate my actions. Feelings demand to be noticed, and healthy people are able to accept that they feel something and get past it, and to make intelligent and appropriate choices in light of what they feel. I learned new ways to cry, to be sad or angry. I learned, too, what it truly felt like to be joyous, genuinely happy, or content. I found that I was able to detach from the outcome of situations, to let the consequences be what they would be. Success or failure of a venture was not me, it was an event I was able to learn from in order to help me make a different or similar choice in other situations. I knew in my heart that I always have had the choice to take all things evenly, and to hold on to nothing. I learned to deal with irritations as if I had only another fifteen minutes to live. Not all the time, mind you, but it got easier with practice. I was not just free, I was empowered.

Melody Beattie has written volumes on the subject of healing from codependency through detachment, saying that it is not a “cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to and totally unaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern . . . Ideally, detachment is releasing or detaching from, a person or problem in love. . . Detachment is based on the premise that each person in responsible for himself, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve and that worrying doesn’t help.” Detaching helps me to understand that I am not responsible for other people and their choices.

I hear new messages, now. I am good enough. I am loved, because I am lovable. I take care of myself, first, and because of that, I have a wealth of resources that I can willingly give to others.

I am not only empowered, I am secure. And I am truly free!