by Karon Thackston © 2006

In Part 1 of this series (, you were introduced to Provider Watch, a company whose site copy was a bit confusing. (You can see the original copy here: While they had a wonderful understanding of their target audience and they had absolutely made an emotional connection, the copy lacked a push toward action on the visitor's part. It also needed a boost in the search engine rankings. After outlining the problems, I set about rewriting the home page.

The Rewrite

The original headline read:

"Warning! Deadbeat daycare parents don't want you to know about this website!"
"The Provider Watch "No Regrets" Risk Management System contains over $615,654 in unpaid daycare debt, and that number grows daily!"
"There are a growing number of parents who simply steal childcare services by refusing to pay."

I wanted to make that much more clear and also plainly deliver a major benefit to daycare providers so I changed the headline to:

Find Out If Parents Are Bad Payment Risks
BEFORE You Accept Them As Customers

That spoke loudly to providers who had been burned one time too many. It let them know immediately that this was a site that offered help in the way of prevention.

When looking over the body content, there were two things Provider Watch included in the original copy that I wanted to keep. These were the testimonials and some pretty terrific factoids pulled from a survey they conducted. The testimonials would, obviously, add credibility and trust. The factoids would verify that there was a need for this service and, hopefully, add some shock value with a splash of "Oh my gosh!"

To accomplish this, the testimonials were left in their original position - rotating via a Java app in the upper right-hand corner of the banner graphic. The factoids, however, were extracted from within the body text and given their own position in a newly created sidebar on the right side of the page. This would help them stand out and be noticed.

The next challenge was to outline what services are provided, then clearly point out benefits of these services to the site visitor. At the same time, I was keeping an eye open for opportunities to include keyphrases within the natural flow of the copy.

After outlining what was available from Provider Watch in the body content, I took it one step further by constructing a bullet list of what was included in both the free membership and the paid membership. I also gave them a method for getting more information and for signing up for whichever membership level met their needs.

Overall, the home page was made to be much more simple, clear and concise with an unmistakable path that the site visitor could follow from introduction to purchase. You can view the new copy here:

The Results

So what happened? Did it work? Did it ever! Provider Watch has seen a:

· 52% increase in unique visitors to the site
· 22% increase in overall sign-ups
· 86% increase in paid subscribers
· Steady increase in phone traffic

Provider Watch had this to say about the copy changes: " I can’t say I was skeptical, but I was nervous about hiring a copywriter for the first time. I was hopeful, but also wasn’t expecting any miracles. The results have far exceeded my expectations. To see these kinds of improvements in such a short amount of time is very exciting."

Another mystery solved!

Author's Bio: 

Copy not getting results? Learn to write SEO copy that impresses the engines and your visitors at Be sure to also check out Karon’s latest e-report “How To Increase Keyword Saturation (Without Destroying the Flow of Your Copy)” at