Sometimes life just throws things at you, seemingly coincidentally, but with too much of a smack in the face to ignore. In the last week a song I haven't heard in years came up on a playlist - "21 Things I Want In A Lover," by Alanis Morissette - and then when I was moving around some old files a few days later, I found a similar list from when I was about nineteen. Scrawled on one side of the paper I used for taking notes in class was a long list of everything I didn't want in a relationship anymore - "infidelity," "long-distance," "feeling inferior," "guilt" - and the other side was a list of things I did want - "someone to hang out with three to four times a week," "equality," "someone who will let me be serious but encourage me to play."

You can do this for relationships. You can do it for sex, too.

Seriously, the first step to anything in this life is to figure out what you want. It's easy to get too busy to think - show me a person without a "To Do" list and I'll bet they're either under six years old or dead. We're discouraged from thinking about what we want, especially women. It's selfish, it's narcissistic, it's unseemly.

Well, screw that.

How are you going to get what you want if you never take the time to think about it? And it does take time, it should take time. It's important.

Now, I know it's difficult. I haven't been so good at it myself lately, to be honest. I had some things I wanted, I went out and made them happen, and then I sat back and floundered for a little bit. What next? What do I want now? Sometimes it can be hard to figure out.

A lot of people tell you to only be positive: "I want XYZ." That's great, I think. And if you can, do it - affirmations and positive-thinking do actually work. But if you're stuck in a rut, it's ok to begin with the negatives: "I don't want ABC anymore." Then just turn it around, flip over the sheet of paper, and make a list of what it is you do want.

Here, let me show you:

I don't want to be so busy that I don't have time for sex.
I don't want to hate my body anymore.
I don't want to be rejected when I initiate sex.

I want to have spontaneous and effortless sex.
I want to feel sexy and strong.
I want my lover to initiate sex. I want my sexual advances to be received with enthusiasm.


And keep going with this - this is your list of wants. It doesn't have to carry anyone else's stamp of approval, not even your lover's. You can say "I want to fuck Johnny Depp" and not have to explain that to anyone.

One cool thing is that if you save these lists somewhere, you can see how you have grown over time, what you've created, what you've achieved, as well as what in your life has (or hasn't) changed. What do you still want that you don't have yet? Why not? Is it a low priority for you? Are you waiting for your Fairy Godmother to wave her wand and fix it for you? What could you try that might yield some results?

So, your assignment for the next month (and mine, too) is to make a list. Try to be positive, but if that doesn't work, be negative and then flip it around. No excuses. No one's going to give you what you want if you don't know what it is. And if they do, you might not even recognize it.

I know I'm getting a little preachy here, but this is critical. This is the cornerstone of Getting The Sex Life You Always Wanted. The Life You Always Wanted, in every respect- sex, work, family, finances, health. You can have it. But no one's going to give it to you until you ask for it.

What's your list going to include?

(c) 2008 Julianne N. Bentley All Rights Reserved.

Author's Bio: 

Julianne Bentley, the original Wanton Hussy, works with individuals (and couples) who want to bring the passion and joy back into their bedrooms.

Drawing on over fifteen years of experience discussing the ins and outs of sexuality, in all its forms, Julianne brings compassion and energy to the process of supporting you in making the changes you need in order to have the sex life you want and deserve.