SETTING the SCENE

What a subject…..huge in size & scope & complexity! But is there any other ongoing process in your life that is more important or consequential than our relationship with others? This is particularly so if the relationship in question is the one you have with the person you care about most in your life.

The quality of that relationship will determine whether you are living, right now, a life of joy, happiness and delight!! If this is not what you are experiencing, you may be stuck in dark, deep despair, feeling frustrated and unhappy. Or even worse, you may be bogged down in a relationship that is best described as just “lukewarm”……no passion, no anger, just a lot of nothingness, drifting along aimlessly? Not hot, not cold, stuck in neutral, not moving forward or back? What to do?

Let’s assume that your current “significant-other” relationship
is in a state of apathy……cool, very uncomfortable…..not progressing. Do you just extract yourself, end it and move on? Or are there other choices available that would serve you better? It’s always easy to go back to the idea of withdrawal, but if you make that decision too soon, you may not be able to undo it later.

How about this idea first? Make praise-worthy attempts at finding practical and helpful solutions to your dilemma.It is always possible that separating may be the last loving thing you can do for each other. But why not try everything else first?

WHERE TO START?

During the moments when you are pondering what to do about your situation, have you given any thought to how you feel about yourself? What exactly is the quality of your relationship with yourself?

Specifically, do you love yourself as a quality human being? Are you proud of who and what you are? Do you really feel fine about the way you are living your daily life? Are you filled with positive thoughts about your own character, your values, integrity & interests? What about your contributions to the lives of others (family, friends, the disadvantaged?)

What about forgiveness? Like all of us, you have done or said things to or about someone else that you knew were wrong and inexcusable? Or perhaps you have seriously mishandled aspects of your personal life (weight/health/sex/alcohol/drugs/dishonesty) and you are extremely embarrassed? Have you been able to rise above all that and forgive yourself for whatever it was you said or did? Or do you still feel embarrassed? Humiliated? Angry? Sad? Depressed? Do your feelings of guilt haunt your thoughts everyday? In fact, have you even tried to get over it or to make things right? Are you contrite and have your actions shown that?

If you haven’t done so, then try this. Look in the mirror and have a talk with yourself and express, out loud, your unqualified forgiveness of you. Say it forcefully, emotionally and mean it!!!

Are you able now, to look into that mirror and say, without reservation, “I love you ! I’m proud of you and I am very happy to be you”?

No? Haven’t done any of that? Still racked with guilt, despising some aspects of your character and personality? Just can’t make it right with the persons you hurt or offended and hate yourself even more because you are paralyzed with fear & loathing and just can’t bring yourself to act?

Have you even considered the possibility of how good you would feel if you were able to purge the guilt from within? A simple, heartfelt, face to face apology could relieve you of that heavy anchor of guilt on your back, lighten your heart, brighten up your entire demeanour and change your view of yourself and the world around you.

If you haven’t done any of this, ask yourself these questions:
•How much fun am I to be with?
•Would I want to be in a relationship with me?

HOW DOES YOUR VIEW OF YOU AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS ?

Specifically, what effect do you think your opinion of your self has on your relationship with your “significant other”? Any impact at all? I assure you that if you have the view that these are two separate issues and that one has nothing to do with the other, I suggest you wake up and “smell the coffee”.

If you don’t think that you are a fine, loving, lovable and worthy person, do you really think you can come across in a delightful and positive way to your most special person? Of course not!!

You may think that you’re just being meek and humble in recognizing and admitting what, where, why & how you went badly off track and made some serious mistakes. Ok, being humble and meek about bad behaviour is both good and necessary. But for how long? How far back in your life did the transgressions happen? Last week? Last month? Last year? Several years ago?
How long is long enough to berate yourself and keep beating yourself up? And how is that working for you? Has it made you feel better? Has it resolved a single thing? Oh? Haven’t thought about that? Well, it’s time you did.

Perhaps you have made a decision.Butis that decision that you are the victim in all this? Although you’re not proud of what you did or said,but you also feel that you were a “victim of circumstances”. You know your behaviour wasn’t laudable, but you believe that it IS understandable. Your reasoning may be that you know you should NOT have done it, but wouldn’t anyone, given similar circumstances? So, you concede that it was your mistake, but perhaps not your fault! You were victimized!! Poor you!!
Get over it!

One more time, explain to yourself why it is that you have not yet forgiven yourself? Why have you been unable to tell yourself that you are a fine upstanding individual and that you DO love and forgive yourself?

Ponder this thought…..what may your personal situation have to do with the poor quality of your relationship with that special one in your life?

TIME TO GET REAL!

Let’s assume that your terrible deeds /sins are not recent. However, they were major and you are really embarrassed about what your behaviour says about the quality of your character and values.

After the fact, when the enormity of what you did really hit you, you did what most self-respecting people would do. You beat yourself up mercilessly. You also told yourself, in no uncertain terms, that this behaviour must NEVER happen again…..EVER!!
And you made a vow, accordingly. Excellent! That’s all good.

Now, what has happened in the intervening years since the time of your terrible deeds?
•Have you kept your vow to not repeat? Yes? That’s great!
•So, what further purpose is there in continuing to think
negatively of your self for years after the fact?
•What is the current condition of your self-esteem and self-
confidence?
o Not so good?
o Still feel badly about the kind of person you are?
o Still feel unworthy of other people’s love, respect
and/or appreciation?

Now, while all this is whirling around in your mind, ponder this question very seriously and then be brutally honest with yourself.Here’s the question: If you still, today, right now, have not forgiven yourself for whatever it is that needs to be forgiven and if you just don’t love and respect yourself, do you really think your significant other is unaffected by this?

As long as you do not feel and cannot openly express love for yourself, how can someone else love you? Your attitude, your demeanour, your personality, joy, sense of humour, your judgement, your self-confidence & self-esteem, your reasoning and decision–making are all affected by this and you are not the person you were and could be again. Dwell on this for a few moments.

IN THE NOW

Today, you are in a relationship with someone you admire, trust and respect a great deal. It’s a person who mesmerizes you, with whom you know that you have fallen in love. Now you are hoping to experience the joy of your love being returned in kind. It’s what you want most in life, to be loved by this amazing person.

Your relationship started off very well indeed. You were both excited about the discovery of this amazing personal connection.
It was wonderful! Exciting! So romantic! In fact, it was more than you had ever dreamed possible.

Then as you got to know each other very well, you revealed more & more of yourself. You talked about your past, your experiences, your likes & dislikes, interests, views of the world scene and you both were amazed at the incredible synchronicity that existed between you.

But then, it started to happen. Bit by bit, you began to sense that something was changing. The magic or chemistry was slowly, but surely, diminishing. Your significant other has said nothing to you so far and you haven’t asked. But you can feel the change and the difference…..it’s palpable! Why…..you wonder out loud….why is this happening?

WHAT’S GOING ON?

Your special person is slowly but surely reacting to the way you feel about yourself.

Here is what your partner is seeing:
•You just don’t seem happy much of the time.
•You seem to pout a lot.
•You have frequent dark moods that are unexplainable
•You are lacking in self–confidence
•Your self-esteem seems to be very low
•More & more, you appear to be very needy, constantly seeking
signs of love & approval
•You are coming across as weak, wussy and /wimpy
•You have increasingly more difficulty being interesting and
engaging during your personal conversations.
•You seem more uncertain about what you want to do in the social
aspect of your relationship.
•You have trouble making decisions.
•You just aren’t as much fun now as you were during those first
few months.

Question? How would you react if the situation were reversed and you were the one seeing and feeling all the above from your dear one? Would it be accurate to suggest that it would worry and concern you considerably? Yet, neither of you has brought it up with the other, likely waiting hopefully to see the miracle of change? Or, maybe your silence is out of fear that to acknowledge this growing problem may signify the beginning of the end of your relationship.

But what is the consequence of doing nothing? Well, it may be continued misery, uncertainty and a relationship that is simply no longer fun, exciting or enjoyable and that nothing is being built for the future.

HOW DO YOU FIX THIS?

Here’s the key to happy, healthy and effective relationships:
Before you can truly love and enjoy someone else and be lovable and enjoyable to them in return, you must first love and forgive yourself.

If you can deal with this successfully, you will immediately feel better, lighter, happier, smile more often and generally be a nicer, more interesting and enjoyable person to others…..especially that special person in your life.

OK,this sounds simple.But what,specifically,do you need to do?
•Identify exactly, what sins, failures or transgressions you are still punishing yourself over. Unfair / unfounded accusations against someone? Health, weight or other personal issues that you allowed to get embarrassingly out of hand? Or was it saying unkind / untrue things about someone who thought you were good friends?
•Have you learned something valuable from the experience?
•Have you apologized or otherwise made things right with the person or persons who were hurt, offended, saddened or otherwise affected by your behaviour?
•Have you vowed to yourself that this will not ever happen again? Have you kept this vow?

If your answers are all yes, then can you now agree that no further or higher purpose will be served by persevering in this negative journey? Do you also agree that it’s now time to let it go and to move on? Are you now ready to make a positive move on amending this situation? Do you accept that no one but you can deal effectively with this?

Here’s the “inner self-talk “you need to start having with yourself.First, pray on it & think deeply about it. Then step up and start telling yourself:

•I am a good person.
•I made some mistakes, very bad mistakes.
•Is there anyone perfect in this world, who is mistake free? No! So everyone has something in their background of which they are not proud.
•C’mon! Be fair.Give yourself a break!
•Examine and itemize all your personal traits about you that are worthy of respect and admiration.
•Talk this way to yourself often, with the objective of changing that “inner self-talk" from negative charges to positive affirmations.Repeat these positives to yourself until you really do accept and believe them to be true.
•Then start telling yourself “I love you very much & also like you a great deal for the person you have become and are today”.
•Tell yourself that you are proud of who you are and that you are deserving of the love, admiration and respect of others.
•Finally, move on to the BIG ONE. “I forgive me and all my past sins.I behaved badly & I was wrong. But I have learned from it, have changed and will never again repeat this unworthy behaviour. Without qualification or reservation, I forgive me for all my past negative behaviours.
•Say these things to yourself, in front of a mirror, as many times, over as many days as required, to get your own acceptance that this forgiveness is real and deserved.
•Then celebrate this progress. Do something fun with your
partner…..dinner, a movie or concert, a long moonlit walk on the beach, or in a park and start to show your renewed self, the happy, smiling ,confident one that your partner remembers so well and has been missing.
•Enjoy the reaction of your dear one as he/she begins to recognize the return of the partner he/she enjoyed so much previously. That is also your reward. The “baggage” that was interfering and preventing a happy relationship, has been put away.

You have now taken the first BIG STEP back to a meaningful relationship once again. Congratulations!

FACT OR FANTASY?

Does this really work? Well, do you remember this quote?
“Whatever a person can conceive and believe, they can
achieve.”

This is a reference to the reality that many still have not yet accepted as valid. It’s the conviction that we each have amazing personal power within. It's power that many do not know about or recognize they possess. This power, when we accept its reality and learn how to harness it and use it, can enable us to BE, DO or HAVE anything we decide we want!! Regrettably, surprisingly few people ever “come around” to believe or have faith in this concept.

But, if YOU believe, you can do what’s required to “fix” your relationship, as well as be/do/have anything else you want. You are a unique individual and you do have the power that when used wisely and with absolute belief, will enable you to accomplish amazing things.

Caution: Don’t be greedy or in too much of a hurry. Learn to enjoy every minute of every day…..live in the now!! Be delighted with every little step of progress you make. Look after and enjoy these little steps and one day soon, your bigger dreams will begin to manifest.

What better or more important way to harness & use your personal power than to analyze, plan and then execute, action steps that will greatly smooth out and facilitate the journey of the loving relationship that you are on with your loved one.

It’s completely within your own hands. Believe in yourself. Learn to love and forgive yourself and this will allow you to display the real, genuine, loving and fun-loving person your partner fell in love with, originally.

There is nothing in your way to achieving this success, other than what you allow or accept as barriers or obstacles. You can lower or eliminate these blockages if that’s what you have decided you want to achieve.

It’s all in your hands…..completely up to you. Best wishes for a deliriously happy relationship as well as resounding success with the achievement of all your other important goals. Dream the impossible dream and then make it happen, one step at a time!
You CAN DO this!

Author's Bio: 

I am a Canadian Human Resources specialist with 40 years of experience as an active practitioner for a very large Canadian dept. store corporation. My experience includes responsibility for all phases of human resources management, with special emphasis on employee relations (including much time spent on relationship counseling), labor relations (negotiating and living with collective bargaining agreements) and training & development for both management & non-management employees (customer service standards, leadership skills, human relations, human rights (discrimination and sexual harassment issues), self esteem & self confidence. I own/operate a writing and editing website business (www.jjwritesmith.com), have recently started a blog (jerrysjournal.blogspot.com). I write a newsletter for an employee benefits company and also serve as a Human Resources Consultant /Advisor for that same company. I also act as the HR Consultant/Advisor for a custom tool manufacturing company.

I have written and published poetry and have received awards for it.I write a lot of poetry for my own relationship and on request of my website customers I write custom made poems for special occasions (weddings, anniversaries, funeral eulogies, holidays, romances, etc).

I am currently writing a book that will be the first in a series of books on various aspects of relationships.

For more information,please refer to my SelfGrowth.com Expert's site.

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