Why Couples Fight: Some Practical Advice

Ever wonder why when that early bloom of love fades you find yourself fighting with the same person you felt so safe with? Couples mediation not only has an explanation of this phenomenon, it also offers some practical steps you can take to reverse this process.

In mediation terms, conflict is about difference. One of the (erroneous) assumptions we make when we fall in love with someone is that we don’t have significant differences from them: that they are more like us, then unlike us. This is a comforting thought, which most early interactions reinforce: we naturally tend to focus on our similarities and shared experiences.

But the differences are there. They were from the beginning. And so they are destined to surface eventually. This is not something we can change – not even by changing partners. Even identical twins raised in the same environment develop differences in their attitudes and beliefs that eventually show up in their relationship.

So we all enter into relationships that, from the start, contain significant differences. To make matters worse, our culture not only doesn’t include any good information about how to resolve these differences, it encourages us to ignore them as “unromantic” or worse, to deny them as untrue (because “true love conquers all”).

Couples mediation is the science of talking across these differences. Our first job, with a new couple, is to help them identify what their differences are. As amazing as it may sound, time and time again we’ve seen couples who have been fighting nonstop for years (in some cases decades) actually being surprised to hear that they have significant differences from their partner. Differences are disguised as a power-struggle so instead the issue becomes power – whose needs get met (and who sacrifices their needs and thereby shows their love). Who gets access to the (supposedly) scarce resource of love?

Once the discussions reach this stage, it’s stunningly frustrating to find a solution. Even when both parties are open and willing to compromise, each new disagreement quickly devolves into a power-struggle. There seems to be no answer to the endless fights. Often the love is still strong, and there is willingness and great desire on both sides, but no solution seems to offer any relief. The relationship seems to have reached a dead end.

And in fact, this is exactly the case. The relationship passed right by the answer, and proceeded to a dead end – the power-struggle.

In couples mediation, our first step is to back the couple up to the point they missed – their actual and real differences – and then help them communicate productively about those differences.

Here’s how to identify if your relationship is in the power-struggle stage:
· The belief that other person is the problem: Whenever there seems to be one simple answer, and it is that your partner needs to change – you’re headed for a fight instead of a solution. Any desire on your part to change your partner as a way of resolving a difference is the basic premise of a power-struggle. Solution: since the root of the conflict is the differences you each bring to the relationship, each of you has a unique and important contribution. A conflict is actually something you share with your partner. Seen from this perspective, differences are opportunities for deepened intimacy.
· Judgment: In mediation terms, judgments are “tragic expressions” of unmet needs. If you find yourself criticizing your partner (silently or out loud) you are setting the stage for two things: first you are actually lessening the chances that your needs will get met (that’s the tragic part); and at the same time, practically guaranteeing that the response you will get will be defensive and argumentative. Solution: Express your needs directly and honestly (even if you believe they won’t be met). The form of the expression is very important, but that’s the subject of a different article. By the way, if the judgment is coming at you from your partner, the same thing holds true. Instead of responding to the critique, if you realize that your partner is trying to express an unmet need, there are ways you can help them identify and speak that need artfully.
· Offering solutions instead of asking for what you need: Many people honestly believe they are being helpful, when they offer a solution to the relationship’s dilemmas instead of sharing what isn’t working for you, and asking for the other person’s participation in finding a solution. Your “answer” probably won’t be accepted, because it was constructed with only half the information needed to create a workable solution. Since you have neither artfully expressed (nor heard) each other’s needs, your solution probably won’t meet your partner’s needs, and so will be rejected. Solution: Leave solving the problem to after the complete and clear expression and understanding of each other’s needs. Speak your own feelings using “I” statements, owning your part in the misunderstanding, and vulnerably requesting what you desire.
· Requesting rather than demanding: Once both of you understand how you differ, and what needs that difference is leaving unmet, ask (don’t demand) for what you want. The difference between a request and a demand is simple: ‘Is the answer “No” acceptable?’ If not, then this is a demand. Even a nicely worded request can become a demand by the nature of your reaction to an honest “No.” So how can you express your real, vulnerable needs to your partner, in a way that the answer “No” is okay? Solution: Surprisingly, coming up with a solution that meets the essence (though not necessarily the form) of both parties’ needs is not that difficult. This is because there are lots of solutions that can meet each party’s needs, and some of those solutions will inevitably meet the overlap in both party’s needs.

Each of us has a history of asking for what we want, and not getting met, so how is this any different? As you can see from the points above, we were probably demanding instead of requesting; offering solutions instead of speaking needs; or essentially judging or hoping to change our partners, instead of vulnerably speaking our truth. When done artfully, mediation has been shown to work with couples that are divorcing, with businesses which are suing each other, even with countries who are at war. Think of how much easier it must be to resolve differences between people who love each other?

One caveat: there is a hidden fear in all of us, that if we admit to our differences, our relationship may come to an end. This fear is not completely unfounded (though it is often exaggerated). While most couples we have worked with have found simple and elegant solutions to their differences, and as a result become closer and more intimate, some couples do discover that their differences are very real, and meeting each other’s needs is not the life they want. Scary as this is, when you think of it, isn’t the idea of living with such a person, fighting with them for the rest of your lives, even more frightening?

For the majority of couples, backing your relationship up from the dead-end of a power-struggle, to an open, frank discussion of your differences isn’t something you can do on your own, even though it isn’t a particularly hard or protracted process with the help of couples mediation. What does take time is changing your style of communication (requesting rather than demanding, sharing needs rather than solutions) and your frame of reference when you share (sharing yourself instead of trying to change your partner, and perceiving judgments as requests about the speaker rather than statements about you). We offer ongoing practice classes for our clients in these skills, as well as for non-clients ,who wish to learn them.

If your relationship (or one you know) is caught in a power-struggle, don’t give up hope. The relationship just made a wrong turn. The road to love and intimacy is still a viable destination, with a little help, and a lot of willingness, your relationship can turn a corner and transform conflict into an opportunity for greater closeness and self-knowledge.