Broken Heart and Infidelity Advice: “I didn't realize that I was the 'other woman'”

A breakup can be excruciating to go through. The end of your relationship can evoke feelings of loss, grief, sadness and anger.

In these moments of pain, it might seem that you will never be as happy again. You may wonder if you'll ever have another love like this.

Patti feels this way. Since her breakup with John, she's been unable to sleep well, she cries easily and often and she can't remember the last time that she laughed.

She misses John even though she understands why they had to end their relationship. She has a difficult time seeing herself with another man in the near future, if ever again.

What hurts the most for Patti is the extent to which John lied to her. The reason that Patti and John broke up was because she discovered that he is (and has been) married to another woman throughout their entire relationship. He even has a daughter!

Whenever Patti was unable to reach John, she assumed that his demanding job, which involved frequent travel, was the reason. It never occurred to her that something else was going on-- until she stumbled upon photos of him with his family on a social networking site on the internet.

This horrible situation seems like the script of a bad movie to her. As much as Patti believes that breaking up with John was the right thing and the best thing to do, she still misses him.

She feels empty inside as well as a certain amount of guilt for playing a role in hurting his family-- even though she had no idea that's what she was doing.

You may not be the “other woman” who had no idea that her partner was already married or in a committed relationship. The reasons for your breakup could have been very different than what happened in Patti's life.

At the same time, the pain, emptiness and possibly the sense of betrayal you feel are similar.

A part of you wants so very much to heal and move ahead with your life while another part of you clings to the past and the happier times that you remember with your ex.

Allow your feelings
Even though you might be sick and tired of crying or feeling angry and outraged all of the time, it's really important for you to let your emotions come up.

Believe it or not, it's often the case the you can more easily move through the difficult moments if you allow them.

If you are so upset that you feel like you might hurt yourself or another person, please seek help from a professional. Free hotlines are available.

When you feel upset, create time and space for yourself. If it seems inappropriate for you to do so in a particular moment, you can set a specific time that day (or the next day) during which you will give yourself the opportunity to be with what's coming up.

Some people find writing in a journal helpful. Others prefer to express the way that they feel by creating: drawing, dancing, singing, or other forms of expression.

You might find it useful to talk with a friend about how you are feeling.

If so, be clear about the way you'd like your friend to support you. If you just want someone to listen, let your friend know that. If you are confused and would like advice, ask for it.

You could choose to see your emotions as an ocean wave. It rises, becomes big and powerful and finally recedes.

Your sadness, grief and anger may feel huge and even overwhelming. Use deep and slow breathing to assist the “wave” of emotion to process and eventually calm.

Forgive and shift your focus to the future
The guilt that Patti feels doesn't make a bit of sense to her friends who are fiercely angry toward John. They remind her that she had no way of knowing that John was lying about being married.

She continues to picture in her mind John's young daughter feeling betrayed by her father by having an affair. Patti's own father cheated and she remembers how horrible it was to learn about what he'd done.

This scenario may not apply to you. It could be that you feel responsible in some way for your relationship ending.

When you try to figure out how you and your ex grew so far apart and came to cause each other pain, you may assign a large portion of blame to yourself.

While it can be healthy and informative to acknowledge your part in the disconnection that led to your breakup, it is not helpful for you to take the blame or to feel guilty.

As part of healing your broken heart, we highly recommend that you being a forgiveness practice. This is called “practice” because it often takes time and repeated efforts.

You might start out by cultivating a feeling of forgiveness for yourself or your partner for something that happened that seems less intense to you.

Patti begins by forgiving herself for not figuring out sooner that John was lying about being single. She sets aside about 10 minutes each day for this forgiveness practice:

First, Patti breathes deeply from her abdomen. She closes her eyes and feels her breath slow down and fill her entire body.

Next, Patti says the words “I forgive you” to herself with a vague awareness of what she is forgiving herself for. She doesn't go into specific details about John or his wife and daughter in these moments.

She continues to breathe holding a feeling of forgiving herself in her awareness and slowly repeating the words, “I forgive you,” several times.

After a few days or weeks, shift the focus of your forgiveness to different difficult memories and different people.

Be sure to notice how you feel after doing this exercise.

To effectively heal a broken heart, it is important that you allow yourself to feel the emotions that are coming up. At the same time, it is vital that you give yourself a future upon which to focus.

As you forgive, you will probably find it easier to start to envision the kind of life you'd like to create for yourself. This might include attracting a new love relationship or might include feeling fulfilled and happy in other ways.