How To Change A Selfish Husband: I Hate My Selfish Husband

Are you unhappy with your marital situation and searching for how to fix selfishness in your marriage? Well, I'm not sure what particular way selfishness is hurting your marriage but I do know if it's not dealt with it can quickly ruin a marriage.

The following statement written by James Allen puts selfishness in perspective for me:

"The selfishness must be discovered and understood before it can be removed. It is powerless to remove itself, neither will it pass away of itself. Darkness ceases only when light is introduced; so ignorance can only be dispersed by Knowledge; selfishness by Love."

Selfishness has the tendency to ignite other problems in your marriage so it's important to deal with it early on. Some of the fruits of selfishness is bitterness and lack of self control.

You see, couples enter the marriage with different expectations and ideas regarding how their marriage should be. Unfortunately, reality sets in and couples quickly realize that marriage is not as easy as they visualized. One of the hardest things to leave out of the marriage is the idea that your needs are not as important as your spouses.

When things aren't going according to our selfish desires, we can easily become frustrated and bitter. Bitterness is good ingredient for destroying a marriage. You need to fix selfishness in your marriage before bitterness sets in.

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If you don't learn how to fix selfishness in your marriage before it's too late it can lead to other destructive behaviors. For example, if a spouse is frustrated and bitter and wants to get his or her way they are more vulnerable to infidelity.

You see, all it takes is for someone to come along and agree with them, take their side and let them know how misunderstood and mistreated he or she is. Before you know it emotionally a connection is made and then you know what can happen next.

How to Fix Selfishness in Your Marriage

The way you deal with selfishness in your marriage is bring it to light. Although, it's easy to assume that your spouse knows how selfish he or she is, it's not always the case.

- Make a list of the top 5 selfish characteristics that are driving you crazy.

- Create a similar list of some selfish behaviors you may exhibit from time to time.

- Schedule some quiet uninterrupted talk time to review the selfishness that you believe is hurting the growth of your marriage.

- Be prepared for defensiveness or perhaps resentment or anger because selfishness is not easy to receive as constructive criticism.

The key is to make sure your spouse doesn't feel under attack but rather that you are bringing up the issue because you are truly hurting and want to make things better.

Come up with some suggestions for fixing some of the selfish things you may do from time to time and see if your spouse can do the same.

Selfishness doesn't have to ruin your marriage and your life. It's definitely a marriage killer if you don't fix it.

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You know, we're all products of our own habits and environment. At the same time, we have a bit of conditioning that was passed down to us from the people who raised us. While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, it can work against you, especially when it comes to saving your marriage. Why you might ask?

What happens normally, is that you have become set in your ways. You like things the way they are and you've molded your life in such a way that it suits you. Nothing wrong with that right?

Well, that's still true. But, it limits our ability to change or accept change. It puts you in a comfort zone and anything that has to do with stepping out of that comfort zone is sometimes pretty scary. It puts you on the defense, because you have no idea what that change will bring or what the ramifications of that change will be.

But, getting out of your old ways and opening yourself up to change is what it will take to save a struggling marriage. You can't let the fear of that change keep you from doing the right thing, even if you don't see it yet.

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Maybe you're the one who's been controlling the bulk of the decisions for example, but it has built up into a bigger problem now that your spouse is tired of not having any say so. You're probably thinking that you've done a pretty good job, and don't want to cause any waves by releasing some power over decision making to your spouse for fear of him/her messing things up or ruining the system you have in place. Perfectly natural.

But, if it has become an issue and it threatens the happiness in your marriage to continue on this way, then maybe you should really consider changing it up. Your spouse is going to make a few mistakes, and you probably know that. But, he/she will get better. Give it a chance. Embrace the change, take on the fear of not being in control and let your spouse feel like they play a balanced part in what goes on.

A lot of times, your spouse will take this new found responsibility head on at first, but will see or realize that you do a better job or it's too much stress on them to worry about it, and relinquish that power back to you. But, at least they will have had the chance to experience that change and your openness and respect for his/her feelings. If it's been a problem or one of your main problems, now it will go away.

Change is scary for anyone, as it's unpredictable. But, it may be just what you need to keep your marriage happy and prevent it from falling apart. There are many other things you can do to work on a struggling marriage, steps you can take for different problems etc... But, being open to change is a great start.

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Millions of men and women the world over are crying about their relationships. Their thoughts are centered on one theme, "How can I save my marriage? What can I do to save our relationship and make it better?"

In addition, every day so many of these heart-broken people give up, break up and start the cycle all over again.

What is it that they are missing? What is the piece to the jigsaw puzzle that will make it complete?

Marriages go wrong for numerous reasons, but there are generally a few common threads.

Usually when some of the building blocks for a strong relationship are missing then the whole structure eventually caves in.

A close friend's daughter just recently got married. Now, she and her husband are separating due to irreconcilable differences. It does not seem like they have really given it a good try, but here are some of the issues that undermined their relationship:

Communication - when they talked together, they did not listen carefully to one another.

Respect - when they did not meet each other's expectations, they began to lose respect for each other and treat other with disdain.

Pressure - one of them suffered a head injury, which placed enormous pressure on the other having to provide for them both.

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Marriage reason - one of them urged the other to get married, and rushed the event when they both were not ready.

Now, these issues are not insurmountable in themselves, but if they were not present to start with, then this marriage may have been able to survive and grow strong over time.

So, how can you save your marriage? Look at the ways you relate with one another and seek to become your spouse's best friend, by being kind and respectful to each other.

Learn how to actively listen to and understand what your spouse is saying. Honestly and openly, share your thoughts, feelings and dreams with your partner. When you really hear what your lover is telling you, you may find that they are telling you how to strengthen and save your relationship.

Be willing to admit your own mistakes and do not point the finger at your mate. Be willing to ask for forgiveness and be willing to forgive and forget too.

Learn to say "No," and make time to spend with your lover. Too many relationships die because couples do not spend any or very little time together.

By putting into practice one or more of these suggestions you may find that your relationship starts to grow and blossom like a flower. It is like a flower in that it needs tending. No marriage is perfect and no marriage is instant. It takes time and effort, love and commitment to make a wonderful marriage.

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Generally, no couple likes to break up. They both want each other to be happy by resolving all problems between them. Now, the only question is - Is it possible for you save this marriage alone?

Once you acknowledged that your marriage is not going well, you certainly need to find out why. Realistically, the best way is to do so is to ask and talk with your spouse.

Your spouse should also respond to your efforts to save your marriage. However if you are the husband, you need to take more initiative and put in more effort to figure out the source of those problems before even coming up with measures to solve them and improve your relationships.

Your first step and priority is to restore the spark in your relationship again. It is essential to spend time with each other however busy you are at work. I am not just talking about weekends and public holidays but everyday after work.

You can use this time to relax and enjoy each other's company and remember the moments you spent together. A walk in the park certainly helps as quiet and natural surroundings tends to calm your minds down and relieve of any stress and tension. A getaway vacation is another great alternative.

These can both help to dissolve whatever misunderstandings and conflicts you might have. It is much easier for you to show love for your partner and make him or her feel how much you need each other's company.

Though love is an important bridge between husband and wife, it is much easier to vistualize and say than actually do it. One of which is listening and be patient when your spouse is telling you how he or she feels. Failure to do so but keep saying what you want to say can jeopardize love without you knowing but your spouse can feel it.

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Self-assessment is an important solution to the question you can save a marriage alone.

But in order to do that, you have to let go of your pride and ego. You need to stop thinking you are right in everything and blaming others - including your spouse - when things are not going well for you. Doing these will enable you to realize your mistakes and develop ways to improve your behaviour.

I understand this may not be easy but then again, relationships is all about give and take. The same concept applies to your marriage. As much as you want to be accepted by your spouse, you should accept your spouse the way he or she is.

However the most important thing to cultivate and grow your marriage is regular communication with your spouse. No matter how busy, stressed and tired you are at and after work, one or both of you still need to talk. It may not be everyday but at least 2 or 3 times a week.

After all if you do not talk, how will you expect your spouse to understand your problems and feelings?

Being able to love each other as passionate as dating and just got married can be challenging.

In the olden days, it may not be so since the wife is always submissive. But in the 21st century when women have an equal say as men in career and finance, things are different since women tend to have a stronger personality and being more precise in certain things.

With that being said, it is possible for you to save this marriage alone so long as you are willing to take initiative and do what is necessary.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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