How To Save A Dead Marriage: What Makes A Good Marriage (Marriage Advice Books)

When people write to me asking for advice about how to handle their spouse's declaration that they aren't in love anymore, they often act as if they are telling me a deep dark secret, or are admitting news so awful it's as if someone died. Often, they think that the something that is dead is the marriage, and not the feelings (of being "in love") that define it. And, most people's minds will automatically skip to divorce in this scenario, thinking that if one spouse isn't in love, then there really is no longer any glue to hold it together.

I'm here to tell you that it's absolutely possible to save a marriage even when one spouse has "fallen out of love." Often no longer being in love is nothing more than the result of a long time of neglect. But, successfully returning your attention to what is important and displaying the person that your spouse first fell in love with so that they can create shared experiences with you will often go a long way toward rekindling these feelings. Once this step has been taken, it's then time to address returning the commitment and intimacy while working through the issues that got you here in the first place. I'll discuss this more in the following article.

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What Makes Up "Being In Love": People often think that falling in love has everything to do with some karmic chemistry which occurs only between a few people in a lifetime. While everyone is drawn to someone else for specific reasons (and typically only a few will meet your own unique criteria), being "in love" often is helped along quite a bit by both parties' willingness to be fully present and to be open to what's happening between them.

Think about it. If you think that you can only love someone once in a lifetime or only under the right, rare condition, just think of shows like The Bachelor. You put people in a house and set them up to be receptive to finding their soul mate. You strip them of any responsibilities and stressors that would get in the way of this. All they have to worry about is getting dressed up, going out and having a good time, and intimately getting to know the bachelor on the show. And, how many of them develop very deep feelings that blow them away? Almost all of them. Why? Because they've been able to duck out of their responsibilities and focus only on one another.

Now, please don't misunderstand me. I know that this isn't reality. I know that the excitement of the camera and of being chosen as "the one" all play into this. But, I hope that I've still been able to make the point. If you and your husband were relieved of all of the burdens of everyday life and could only focus on having fun together and experiencing things which deepened your relationship (we're talking going to exotic locations and delicious restaurants and no responsibility to do anything but deeply experience it ) how "in love" do you think you'd feel as the result? It would be hard not to get caught up in the excitement. And, as you already know that you and your husband once gelled and had chemistry, so the result of this would likely be a pretty sure thing.

Admittedly, I know that you can't dodge your responsibilities. Most all of you have jobs and commitments and I know that some of you have children. But, I'll bet you can make the effort to create the shared experiences that brought you here. I'd be willing to believe that, just for a little while, you can make a vow to just focus on the man or woman right in front of you for just a little while. I promise you that it will be worth it.

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How Can I Do All Of This When He / She Isn't Receptive To Me?: I often have people respond that at least some of what I say makes sense, but they still feel hopeless because they can't imagine how they are going to do all this when their husband or wife looks right through them rather than at them. They often tell me things like "I'm just going to be wasting my breath because he doesn't even really interact with me anymore. He probably wouldn't even pay attention or notice."

Often, you will have to slightly disarm them and take very small steps toward the goal. You can sit them down and tell them that you have heard what they've said to you and that you respect what they are saying. And although this deeply hurts you because you love them and very much want to save the marriage, you can not control or manipulate how they feel and that you respect them too much to even try. But, you can tell them that they are important enough to you that you'd like to at least restore some of the positive feelings in the relationship no matter how it turns out. You want to be proud of the way that you handled this and if you should have to part down the road, you want there to be no hard feelings, only good memories.

Please don't think that I just told you to give in. I absolutely didn't. But, this step is necessary because you need to change things up. And, they need to know that you aren't going to try to manipulate them because they will stop avoiding you as a result.

The next step (once they begin to be receptive again) is to move very slowly and to show them that you are still the lighthearted, fun, attentive, and alluring person that they fell in love with. It's going to be very hard for them to walk away when suddenly they have someone who is attentive, who is listening, who is laughing and having fun, and who has already shown that he or she cares deeply about their happiness. In this scenario, it's easy to think that they've made a mistake.

Notice that I never outlined how you're going to work through or solve your problems. We need to save that for another time. Pushing for them to slog through what's wrong isn't going to turn their attention to what's right. And that has to be job number one right now.

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When married couples drift apart they often seek out a divorce. They look at what they had and where they are now and they come to the realization that the closeness and emotional intimacy has disappeared. Instead of putting in the effort to fix the problems, they hide behind the idea of a separation and then eventual divorce. It doesn't have to go this way at all. Marriage is worth fighting for and if you love your spouse, you need to get busy showing them that. You can change the future for you and your spouse but you need to be determined and focused on doing so. This issue isn't going to correct itself. You have to step up to the plate and take matters into your own hands.

Understanding why married couples drift apart can often be the key to changing the dynamic and getting closer again. In many marriages, once children arrive the couple starts pushing each others' needs to the back burner. They get so caught up in being the best parents they possibly can, that they forget about one another. By the end of the day, after working and tending to their children they are both so exhausted that they don't even put in any effort to talk or interact. Over time this has a negative effect on the relationship and the couple feels like strangers.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

Reconnecting with your spouse is all about spending more quality time with them. A marriage can't thrive unless it's being nurtured. You have to make the effort to arrange moments for you and your partner to have uninterrupted time just to be together. This may include having to plan for childcare or maybe just planning time after the children have gone to bed for the night. It's all about finding opportunities to be just a couple as opposed to co-parents.

Talking to one another is something you do on a daily basis but you need to take it to the next level again. When is the last time the two of you had an open and honest discussion about the state of your relationship? Are you two in tune with what's going on in each others' lives? You need to focus on communicating openly with one another again. Think of this as a chance to get to know your partner all over again. You may discover some things about them that you didn't know or you'll be reminded of what drew you to them in the first place.

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When your spouse wants to leave and you want to save the relationship you're going to feel overwhelmed. Hearing the person you married tell you that they want out of the marriage is devastating. This is particularly true if you have visions of growing old with them and creating memories for years to come. You have two choices in a situation like this. You can either give in to what they believe they want or you can fight to save your marriage. If you're intent on rebuilding the relationship, then you need to begin right now, before it's too late.

One of the very first things you need to do when your spouse wants to leave is listen to their reasoning. Blindly telling them that it's not an option because you want to work on the marriage isn't going to go over well. That's essentially quieting their needs. In other words, you're ignoring what they feel and instead dictating what their future should be. You have to listen to what they're feeling and sharing with you. Perhaps their need for space is coming from a recent conflict that you two had that they are having trouble moving past. Maybe they're feeling bored within the relationship because you've become so preoccupied with work or other things and they feel neglected. You won't know what you are dealing with until you talk with and listen to your spouse.

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

You then have to address the problem head on. Hiding behind a veil of defensiveness isn't going to help you at all. If your spouse tells you that there are things you are doing, or are not doing that is causing them to want to leave, you need to make some changes. It's so easy to become lazy within the marriage. You need to learn from what they share with you and then take some steps in the right direction towards positive change.

If your spouse is very insistent about wanting to leave, you're going to have to seriously consider it. That's not to say that you should help them pack their things but listen to why they feel they need space and then suggest a trial separation. What often happens when a couple separates temporarily is they come to a quick realization about how deeply they really do love and need one another. They are then able to work through their problems because they feel more motivated. It's a serious step though and not one that either of you should take lightly, so talk it through and then decide as a couple.

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Does your marriage need a break? It certainly feels as though it does some days, doesn't it? You and your spouse certainly aren't the same two loving and forgiving souls you were on your wedding day. Now you argue incessantly over the smallest of issues and you have pushed intimacy to the back burner in favour of tending to your careers and paying the bills. In essence, your relationship is a mere shell of what it used to be. Are you truly happy living like this? Do you long for the days when you and your spouse couldn't wait to see each other after work? There is a way to get back those feelings of breathless anticipation and undying devotion. Surprisingly, a separation may just be the way to do it.

When you're thinking about the future of your marriage you must admit that it's hard to picture it the way it is now. If you and your spouse continue down the same path you're heading, you'll end up in a place where you no longer speak to each other. All those small conflicts take their toll on a marriage and eventually there will be so much resentment that the love that is still there won't find its way to the surface. That's why it can be so helpful to take a short break from one another. If the idea of a trial separation terrifies you, consider the fact that many couples who decide to do it end up back together, happier and more committed than ever.

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When you are seriously considering separation to save your marriage there should be a few ground rules for you and your spouse to follow. If you have children, it's wise to sit down with them as a united couple to speak to them about why one of you is moving out. Be clear about the decision and how it will impact them. Ensure they know that it's not because of anything they did or didn't do.

Talk to your spouse frequently after you two have made the move to separate. Use the time apart to really consider what it is you want from your own future and what you expect from the relationship. It's not uncommon for a couple to notice a change right away in how they interact with one another after they've separated. Suddenly, all the hostility and anger is replaced with a sense of missing one another and longing.

Some time apart may be the prescription for your ailing marriage. If the two of you can have a sense of life without one another it may help you to appreciate each other that much more. Once this happens the marriage will have a stronger foundation and you'll both be committed to making it work.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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