I Love My Husband But I'm Not "In "Love" With Him: Married But Not In Love

I recently heard from a wife who apologized about what she was going to say before she even said it. She prefaced her words with: "this is going to sound awful, but..." It was as though she was getting ready to admit something deplorable.

Once she finally told me what was bothering her, she said in part: "I love my husband very much. But I don't think I'm "in love" with him anymore. He's a wonderful person. I respect him. I like him. I enjoy being with him. He's a wonderful dad. He's a good man. But, there's no longer any electricity or spark between us. It used to be that when he looked at me, I turned to mush. It used to be when he touched me, I could feel it the bottom of my toes. But now if he looks at or touches me, it really does nothing for me. It's almost like a chore to be intimate. I hate living this way and I don't know what's wrong with me. He's the type of loving, thoughtful, and considerate man that women say they want. So why don't I appreciate and want him?"

It was apparent that it was hard for the wife to say those words. Her emotions were very obviously conflicted and all over the place. And, perhaps one of her most persuasive feelings was absolute guilt. I had to reassure her that I heard comments like hers on an almost daily basis. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her and she wasn't an awful person or even a bad wife. What she was feeling was absolutely common and normal. Better still, with a little work and a bit of a shift, I strongly felt that her feelings could change so that one day she would wake up and realize that she was still in love with her husband. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Loving And Being "In Love" With Your Husband Are Admittedly Two Different Things, But They Aren't That Far Apart On The Emotional Spectrum: I find that there are so many misconceptions about being "in love," especially within a marriage. A large percentage of people who contact me admitting that they are thinking about ending their marriage cite "no longer being in love" as one of the key reasons for this.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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It's almost as if a switch is either turned on or turned off, and once you've turned that corner in your marriage, there's no going back. I'm living proof that this just isn't true and I know countless couples who have "fallen back in love" with some concentrated efforts.

Sure, the feelings of loving someone and being in love with them are experienced quite differently, but they are most certainly on the same emotional spectrum. What's the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with them? It's a combination of a few things like: the effort being put into the relationship; the spontaneity; the intensity of the feelings; and the pay off that both people are getting and then pouring back into the relationship.

It's no coincidence then that people are most likely to feel completely in love in the beginning stages of their relationship. Everything is unfolding, new discoveries are being made, and since you don't know how everything is going to turn out, it's easy and natural to be spontaneous. You're seeing the world though the veil of your intense feelings, so everything seems reflected through those same feelings. This is where the electricity or the spark comes from.

And this is why you can get it back. The wife repeatedly said how much she loved the person that her husband was. She made it very clear that they used to have a lot of chemistry. So what had changed? There were now parents. They were no maintaining a household. The routine of daily life had contributed to things going stale. This happens on an overwhelmingly large basis. It's not unique to this couple.

The truth is, our society is not at all friendly to marriages. We all feel that, especially in this economy, working and earning money must be our priority. Our achievements and security must come first while our families (who we are doing all of this for anyway) should come second. So, our priorities change. Our time allotment slips. We feel stressed and burdened. But instead of blaming our society or life style, we turn our frustration toward (and project it onto) that person who is the most available and closest to us - our spouse.

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When You Want To Love Your Husband But You Just Don't: It was clear to me that this wife's best case scenario was to translate her loving feelings into a more physical state so that she once again felt that electricity and spark. But frankly, her life style was not doing anything to encourage or accomplish this. Both she and her husband worked long hours. When they came home, they were dead tired. On the weekends, they did chores and ran errands. On Friday nights, they either had movie night at home or took their kids to "play place" which served both food and provided entertainment.

Although this was great for their children, this did nothing for their relationship as a couple. You can get closer to your spouse without it needing to cost a lot of money or requiring for it to take a lot of time. You can carve out some time after bedtime. It doesn't cost anything to take a walk while holding hands or to pack a picnic to someplace quiet.

It doesn't take any time (or cost anything) to really listen to, look at, and touch your spouse during your regular daily interactions. It doesn't require anything to leave a note for him to find or to remind him that you're thinking about him. With all of these things, what you are trying to do is to bring back a sense of spontaneity and light heartedness.

Unfortunately, when our lives become drudgery, we think of our marriage in that way also. As emotional beings, we want to have something to look forward to on a regular basis. But if all you have to look forward to is work and obligations, then we rob ourselves of the type of input that we need to feel like we're in love.

Emotional Connections Inspire Physical Connections: Hopefully by now you're starting to see a pattern. A strong emotional connection is needed before sparks can start flying. And the emotional connection needs time to be nurtured. It doesn't just happen on it's own and it can die or wither from neglect. Once you begin to place your focus and your creativity on your marriage, those intense feelings almost always fall right into place over time.

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Many couples that have been married for 40 - 50 years often state that the foundation of their healthy marriage was the fact that they married their best friend. Did they know this at the time they were married? Maybe, but most of the time couples are unaware at the time of their wedding that they will become best friends with their partner for life. Is marrying your best friend just a matter of luck? No. The friendship that evolves in healthy, mature marriages is the result of years of trusting your partner.

Would you tell your deepest and darkest secrets to just anyone? Think about those you confide in at work; do you tell the same story to everyone or do you tell the person down the hall one thing and your friend that you hang out with on the weekend another? Chances are the story you tell the friend you hang out with is the version you don't want everyone in the company to learn about. The story that is told to the person down the hall is the one you want the rest of the company to know because that person has no friendship ties to you and therefore you have no reason to trust them.

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

In situations where one partner does wrong by the other, trust is difficult to earn back. Many people forgive their friends a lot easier than they forgive their spouses. It is real easy to be hurt in a situation where the trust is broken in a marriage, but we should not put our spouses on a pedestal of expectations that would be impossible for Mother Theresa to meet. Your spouse knows they have to earn your trust back, so once the indiscretion has been discussed, don't bring it up as a pot shot against your spouse every time you have an argument. You are only opening up old wounds for both you and your spouse. In the back of your mind, you have to slowly let go of suspicions as time goes on or you may be driven to the point of insanity. Allow your husband or wife to earn your trust back like a friend and things will more than likely be a lot easier for the both of you.

Taking your spouse off of a pedestal and learning to trust them like a best friend is a difficult thing to do, but once you do you will find that your marriage will have a solid foundation that can take the two of you through the next 40 to 50 years.

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It can be really daunting when you are in the situation where it's "now or never" to save your relationship before it's too late! Like you, I was in the same boat. My marriage was crumbling around me and I didn't know where to turn. I needed to find essential advice on saving a marriage in crisis, and I needed to find it fast! After searching for what seemed like ages, I found exactly what I was looking for and this is the advice I got!

One piece of essential advice on how to save a marriage in crisis, is you need to ask yourself is whether the lines of communication between you and your partner are still open. If they are, then you need to ask them exactly how they feel about your relationship. Tell them that you will keep an open and honest mind, and will try to fix any problems that have arisen on your part. Also tell them that it is imperative that everything is out in the open, as you cannot fix things that are hidden. Take on problem at a time and talk at length together about how this can be resolved. Move on to the next problem, and so on. Finally put this into action!

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

If your lines of communication are at zero, then there are still things that you can do to save your marriage in crisis. Such as, start to look at yourself introspectively. Think back to how you might have changed towards your partner in the time that you have been married. Is it for the better or for the worse? If you can be totally honest and say that you have changed for the better, then maybe it really is time to call it a day! However, if you have changed, or maybe started to take your partner and their needs for granted, then it would be wise to think about ways to get back to how you were. Maybe try to find that spark that first attracted your partner to you!

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

Which one of these things just doesn't belong? Hurt, anger, or blame. When suffering they all tend to feel the same. Hurt and anger accompany the suffering party, but blame must be invited to the party! When we lose or are otherwise prevented from something we desire, or it is taken without permission hurt and anger is inevitable. The greater we value what is loss or taken, the more pain we are to likely feel and the angrier we tend to become. It is not a sin to be hurt or angry. Psalm 4:4 reads,

"Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah"

Paul agrees that we can be angry and it does not have result in sin. He writes the Ephesians (4:26 and 27) the following,

"Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

Hurt and pain are what we feel. Anger and blame are how we respond. While anger is an acceptable response, blame is not. The word "blame" means to find fault. When we blame we hold another responsible for our circumstance, situation or experience. Blame takes many forms. It can look like repeatedly telling others what someone has done to you, or constantly bringing up the past. Making others the reason why you can't, won't, or will do a certain thing and condemning any that resemble the one held responsible for your pain are just a few ways blame works.

When we blame others we give away our response ability (or ability to respond). We assume and maintain the role of a victim. As a victim we feel entitled to compensation. We hold others hostage until he or she rights it, fixes it and restores it! In the meantime, we do nothing! Why? Nothing is required; after all it's not our fault! Right?

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

But for those committed to conforming to Christ, blame is a luxury we can ill afford. Blame undermines the process in at least 4 ways.

Blame rejects the scriptural truth that declares that all things come from God and that He is all and in all.

"For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen." (Romans 11:36)

"... where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave nor free, but Christ is all and in all. (Colossians 3:11)

God is creator and maker of everything. Even the devil was created on purpose for a purpose! Proverbs 16:4 (amplified Version) reads,

The Lord has made everything [to accommodate itself and contribute] to its own end and His own purpose--even the wicked [are fitted for their role] for the day of calamity and evil.

This means that Satan has restrictions on what He can and cannot do to you. Job (Chapters 1 and 2) bears witness to this. Each time Satan desired to harm Job, he required God's permission. God did not give Satan a blank check in Job's life or yours!

Also, Proverbs 21:1 tells us that God retains Sovereignty over the hearts of men and women.

The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes.

Neither Satan, nor people can do anything they desire to you. Permission is required. Either your permission, or God's! This is true whether it is mental, emotional or physical suffering. God permitted harm to you is God appointed suffering to you.

So am I allotted months of futile [suffering], and [long] nights of misery are appointed to me. (Job 7:3 Amplified Version)

"Withstand him; be firm in faith [against his onset--rooted, established, strong, immovable, and determined], knowing that the same (identical) sufferings are appointed to your brotherhood (the whole body of Christians) throughout the world." (I Peter 5:9 Amplified Version)

When we blame others we deny God access to the deepest aspects of ourselves-our heart motivations. Offense, that is, hurt is necessary to expose that which we are. Moreover, for the Christian set on conforming to Christ in all, it is suffering that provides us with a choice to remain as we are or to yield to God anew!

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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