My Husband Isn't Attracted To Me Because I Gained Weight: What To Do When Your Husband Says Your Fat

Finally, everything seems to be falling into place! You're losing some weight, things are good with your family and friends, work is good, but something is still missing. Some of you who are married understand this, remembering the time when falling in love was new and fresh. Others are still hoping to find that knight in shining armor, or the beautiful fairy princess. Still others are finding themselves single, yet again. And then there are the few who are smack in the middle of falling head over heals in love. Ahhhh. Ain't love grand!

Here is the thing: falling in love is great; it's what we all want, isn't it? (Well, that and being our ideal weight, of course!) And it's not like it's up there with wishing for fame and financial security: most of the time it's first on our wish list. The thing is that it also can be a bit tricky for so many reasons and on so many levels; and for many of us, love is the crux of our problem, or perceived problem.

I spend a lot of time counseling people on nutrition and the emotional aspects of why we continue to overeat and make poor nutritional choices, but the most significant emotional issues revolve around relationships. Perhaps you're in a long-term relationship and you're feeling unsatisfied, unhappy, or mistreated in some way. When you feel unhappy in a married relationship, it often follows that you overindulge in food. Then there's the person who is not in a relationship, who is striving and wishing and hoping for that special someone to enter her life and make everything perfect. Well, obviously, that person's unrealized dream will trigger overeating responses, as well. Maybe you're the single parent, perpetually trying to do it all, to catch up. You often feel the odd man out, like a throwaway person, right? The constant routine of cooking for a bunch of children who don't always appreciate your healthy, low calorie meal, make staying on track that much harder.

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Most of us know all of the above scenarios; we've lived them, or we're currently in them. Is it so surprising that people struggling to find happiness turn to food for their comfort? Of course it isn't, and that's why I spend so much time with my clients discussing dissatisfaction in the marriage, or the search for Mr. Right-especially when you come with kids. However, there is one other scenario that hardly anyone speaks about. It can be as dangerous to your weight as all the rest, and at times even more so because there is no plan; and even if there had been a plan, it went out the window on day one. What is it? Well, Love, Actually. Attaining that elusive connection you so craved and dreamed about for so long can bring lots of angst. "How's that possible?" you wonder. Well, the problem is that once you have attained it, then what happens? You live happily ever after? Really?

First, let me share a few anecdotes before I delve further into this topic. Years ago I was a single mother of 3 younger children living in Connecticut and content with my day-to-day existence, but like everyone else, I wanted to find the love of my life. My weight was exactly where I wanted it to be and my practice/work was beginning to thrive, so things were good. Then, I entered into a relationship with an old boyfriend from about 25 years ago. We had always gotten along and had tried multiple times to make it work, but for one reason or another it never did. So, here we were again on take three. Well, it was easy to fall back into old ways of being together since we knew each other so well. The problem was that he lived in New Jersey, so when he came to Connecticut it was a big deal. I wanted it to work, and by George we were going to make a go of it! At this phase of my life, I thought I was grounded and solid with my food and did not think I could possibly be influenced by someone else's eating habits. Indeed, my plan was to influence him to make more healthful choices; you know, change the man.

However, we were having so much fun during those months that I thought, "Well... don't I deserve some carefree fun? How often does one gets to feel like this?" I assumed that by eating and exercising moderately as I always had, I could compensate for the few times he would come over during the week. The problem was that he would get to my house late after the drive from Jersey, and by the time he arrived, I had already fed my kids and put them to bed. He would show up with food because he was very thoughtful and didn't want me to have to cook another meal late at night for the two of us. So, he would often show up with Chinese food, and some wine, and it was lovely and comfortable. On the weekends when my children would go to their father's house, we loved dinning out! It was fun! We were happy. I was happy. Until, the day I got on the scale and was eight pounds up! How was that possible? I, who watch what I eat all the time, who counsels others on what to eat and how to eat, was up eight pounds. I knew I had gone up a little bit, but eight pounds worth? Well, I put an end to the Chinese food at 10 p.m., as well as many-not all-of the "fun" things. I had to reel myself in because when I asked him if I looked as if I were up in weight he would say that I looked perfect, beautiful. Lovely as that is to hear, he was clearly delusional. Both of us had lost perspective. So, I reeled myself back in, brought myself back to my happy weight, and began to practice moderation once again.

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Now since I counsel others on how to lose weight, I had no choice but to get it together-not to mention that I was really uncomfortable and couldn't fit into any of my pants. I knew I was is trouble when a well-meaning friend suggested that I not worry about it and just go shopping for something that fit me at my new weight. This was the straw that did it for me because one of my golden rules states that once you get to your goal weight, or significantly down, you never buy up! Suffice it to say, within a few weeks I had pulled my act together, compromised with my boyfriend as to what kind of food we would eat late at night, and we continued to be happy.

Another quick scenario that many single women- and even some men- can identify with whether young and never having been in a serious relationship or newly divorced and finding themselves out there in the oh so lovely dating arena where the focus is on getting in shape and looking the best you can possibly look. Why? Well, of course everyone wants to look great, but now you're looking for a partner. But, this is a slippery slope. When you were in a relationship you dismissed letting yourself go a bit by thinking, "What's the big deal, he/she should love me for who I am, not for what I look like." Yes, that is true, but it is more important that you love yourself for who you are and not what you look like, married or not.

We all become a little more casual in a relationship, comfortable with loosening up that belt a bit. And that's fine if you're truly happy with yourself. The thing is that if you were happy with yourself, then you would not suddenly try to lose weight and get into shape trying to look and act your best while dating. You should want that whether you're married or in a committed relationship or single, and you should want it for yourself, not your future partner-to-be! There should be no difference in how you accept yourself, ever.

I knew a young couple who fell in love and got married. While not the picture of health, he was in shape and kept up his appearance as he had always done. She was beautiful, weighing 105 pounds at 5'5." She worked out and was in great shape, having never been overweight a day in her 29 years. She was a strong woman who knew what she wanted and how to get it. I admired them and was happy they had found each other. I remember speaking to him just before their marriage, and he told me how much he admired and loved this woman whom he would soon marry. He loved her spirit, her convictions, her strength, her beauty, her respect for her body, and their commitment to working out together; he loved that they shared that. He also loved that she ate so well, and that he knew his future children and he would always eat properly.

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During their first year of marriage I paid them a visit and was stunned that she was barely recognizable as the woman I used to know. Nobody had forewarned me because, of course, it was a touchy subject. This woman had gone from 105 to 185 pounds within one year of marriage. How did this happen; why did this happen? Her husband did not say anything about the weight gain, and we just enjoyed our visit as if nothing had happened. The following year she gave birth and had to deal with gestational diabetes. When all was said and done, she weighed over 250 pounds. This is not an exaggeration. The couple had two more children, and they appeared to be content, never mentioning the obvious change. Years passed and they eventually divorced. I'm not really sure why, but one day not too long ago I ran into him. He appeared to be happy again and was more comfortable talking about what had happened to his wife. He really didn't have any answer for it. He said she just stopped caring about her appearance. She expected him to love her for who she was and not what she looked like. But he loved what she looked like! He loved the healthy part of her, the exercise, the nutritional aspects of who she was. Something started to shift for him that first year, but he felt he wasn't allowed to say anything about it because, of course, he did love her, and it would not have sounded right to say anything about her appearance; after all, he didn't want to be insensitive. His weight and regime had never faltered, but he did mention that he saw her recently and was very upset to see that she had lost the weight. While she was not to the svelte 105, she was a very healthy 125, he guessed. Interestingly, she had a boyfriend and looked great again.

What happened to her the second she married? What happens to us when we find ourselves in what we know to be a really happy relationship? Why do we let go of who we are and what we are so proud of? Why do we expect our loved ones to be as attracted to us as they were when we looked better? Look, I know many relationships that are loving and supportive no matter what the partners looks like, and that's great! But in those cases, both are striving to lose some weight either together or individually. That is not what I am talking about; it is the fact that once we are in a relationship, it isn't as important to take care of ourselves any longer, and the second we are out of the relationship, we care again? This might be something to think about if this sounds like your story.

One last thing. Being in a relationship is great, especially during the early stages when nothing feels better than getting lost in someone (that feeling when it seems like you would be happy to breath their air). The trick is to hold on to who you are during this period. Remember that he or she was attracted to the person you were when you met and that presumably, you were happy with the way you looked in the beginning, as well. Stay firm and enjoy yourself: you can still get lost, but always remember who you are and how hard it was to get to your goal of looking fabulous.

Now, as far as I am concerned? Well, let's just say that when I begin a relationship with someone, he starts to look better and better; his cholesterol drops, he starts eating more greens, more beans, less meat, and less dairy, and my weight stays the same! Hmm? Perhaps that's why I haven't had a date in a while? Well, kind of just kidding. But the thing that I want you to take away from this is that you should love who you are, and you will be loved for being that very person. Do not compromise yourself, and.....the most important piece of advice? Never buy up!

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Your marriage is starting to unravel at the seams. Both of you are on edge about everything little thing, there is constant bickering, and certainly no passion. Married life is feeling miserable. So, how can you save your marriage and keep your spouse? You can do it easily with these simple tips.

1. Be patient with each other. This situation did not happen overnight or even in a week, so do not expect overnight miracles either. Try to overlook the minor issues an not get exasperated and frustrated when he or she does not respond right away. Remember, patience is a virtue.

2. Have conversations with each other, but not arguments. Discuss the things both of you need and want from your marriage, but keep the words and the tone of your voice on a positive level. Realize that neither one of you will "win" and argument, but both of you "win" with positive discussions. Try to come to resolutions on your problems by tackling each one separately and learn the art of compromising.

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3. Everyone loves to be praised so praise your spouse often for all of his or her good qualities and actions. Build each other up instead of tearing each other down. Sit down and make a list of your spouse's best qualities and all of the things that made you fall in love with him or her. Make a point to mention one of these each day or even several times a day. Doing this small action will show your partner that you do care and notice the good things about him or her.

4. Show your love. Look at your spouse in the eyes when he or she is speaking to show you care about what he or she has to say. Get physical. This can be as simple as a touch when you pass each other, a quick kiss, a wink, or a hug. These little actions can mean so much more than any spoken words.

5. Above all, be positive. Negativity in any relationship is not good. Not only does it harm you marriage, but it is not good for you physically either.

Hopefully, these tips helped to answer the question of how to save your marriage and keep your spouse. Sometimes the problems are much deeper and if this describes your situation, remember there is help available.

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What men want in a woman is someone who can help them "lose weight". As useful as it is having a woman who promotes a healthy lifestyle and actually helps you lose weight, it's also important to have a woman who helps you "lose weight" as well. What could possibly be the difference between the two versions? I'm just having a bit of fun here. By "lose weight," I'm simply referring to lightening someone up. Yeah, my lame jokes really are terrible. In this article, I'll show you why it's so important that you can cheer your man up, for reasons beyond getting him into a positive mood.

1. Positive Influence

When you married to someone, you would hope that they influence you for the better. I know that my wife does that. Whenever I'm feeling down, she has a habit of cutting through the fog and helping me see the light.

She does this in usually one of two ways. She's comforting and uses her soft side to coax me out of my dark mood, or she's sharp and stern with me to help me harden up and stop being so weak. If you know which to use when, you're extremely valuable to your man.

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2. Beneficial Long-Term

It's a powerful skill to have. I mean, hopefully you will stick with your husband in the long-term. I'd like to think the vows you make do have some sort of meaning to you. It's 30, 40 maybe even 50 years down the track that this skill really matters.

You never know what someone's going to go through in that time either. Your husband could fall into depression. Someone close to him may die. He may have a midlife crisis. It doesn't matter. If you're there, he has nothing to fear.

3. Helps Maintain Your Connection With Him

Again, simply responding to his misery by trying to drag him out of it will keep you connected. Apathy can be extremely dangerous, especially when it comes associated with negativity.

There are going to be times that your man will seem unbearable. Maybe he's taking it all out on you. Maybe you're not in the mood to take his bad attitude. Whatever the case, hanging in there will pay off, in the end.

What men want in a woman is someone who can get them out of a bad mood. A wife who can do this knows that this is beneficial in the long run, since it maintains a positive connection with him. Men will appreciate their wives a lot more if they are willing to help them get out of their rut.

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I'm not talking about doing things together; I'm not even talking about sharing feelings, or making love. These are important, but everyone knows them. I'm talking about having good arguments with your husband/partner and having women friendships - separate from your mate. Let's start with the good arguments. As a marriage and family therapist, I always worry when couples tell me they never argue. It really is hard to imagine people living together and never getting annoyed by the other.

Two people are bound to have differences in style and behaviors. And, then, there are all the gender differences that I have written about that are bound to cause annoyances. Yet, what is wrong with being angry at your spouse? Being in touch with your anger is empowering. Empowerment comes from acknowledging the anger and then deciding the best way to express it.

Denial, walking around stuffing the feeling, only leads to greater problems later. The end result of addressing your anger (if done well) is coming to some resolution - so the issue never needs to be raised again. What typically happens, though, is people mix up the feeling of anger with how the expression of anger - how the anger is expressed. The feeling of anger is normal and in fact, if you breathe, you feel.

And, anger is a feeling. The expression of that feeling, though, can range from one extreme of violence to the opposite extreme of denial - "Who me? I'm not angry." So, it is very loving to be honest with your spouse about your anger - as long as you speak from your feelings without accusations, as long as you aren't frequently dumping a long list of complaints. Elsewhere, I have described a 15 step process for having A Good Argument.

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Now, the second ingredient for having a good marriage is friendship with same sex friends - separate from your mate. Think about it this way: your husband is your best friend; you are upset with your best friend, so who do you talk to about it? But, that's just a minor reason to have good friendships apart from your marriage.

When couples love each other and spend much of their (albeit limited) spare time together, they essentially recycle themselves. By each of you doing things with others, you bring back to the relationship a freshness. New ideas, new information, and new energy. Ask any woman who has been away for an afternoon or a weekend with a group of women. She returns feeling excited and recharged. This doesn't mean she loves her husband any less, just that different parts of her get activated when with her women friends. Being refueled has carry-over benefits to her marriage.

The same is true for her husband. While some women worry their husband would be jealous if they spend time with other women, especially single women, that clouds the core issue - lack of trust. Jealousy occurs when one is not feeling secure in the other's affection. If you let your husband know how much you love and value him, there should be no real basis for jealousy.

(If so, that is the issue that needs addressing, not your spending time with friends.) So, love your husband, have your Good Arguments, be with your women friends, and see how your marriage friendship deepens.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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