My Husband Never Takes My Side: My Husband Is Never On My Side - What If My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore

One cold, gloomy, rainy morning Susan set out for a walk on an unknown trail. She didn't know where she was going and was determined to spend time with God.

Susan was sick and tired of herself. So sick of thinking about what was wrong in her marriage. Sick and tired of having the same thoughts running through her head over and over and over again!

"I don't know if I can do this for another 30 years"

"He's never... "

"I'm so lonely"

"He's such a jerk!"

"I can't believe I married him. What was I thinking?"

"We don't have anything in common"

Susan mulled these thoughts over and accepted them as if they were true. On one hand they felt real, but on another she knew they were not true. Susan didn't know what to do, that's why she reached out for help.

Susan was struggling in her marriage. She was visibly upset, crying and in pain as she sat across from me in my office. She was "at the end of her rope", didn't know what to do and was ready to give up.

These opinions, beliefs and emotions feel dreadfully real for many couples. They lose hope and feel stuck or trapped.

Eventually, Susan realized her thoughts and feelings revealed more about the condition of her heart, verses what's wrong with Tom or their marriage.

Susan is going through a transition. Her son is graduating from high school and she and Tom would soon be "empty nesters". She's concerned and apprehensive about this next phase of her life.

He loves me, he loves me not?

Susan was excited on one hand and terrified on another. She was looking forward to more doing more things with Tom and exploring new interests.

So many marriages in the similar phase of life were calling it quits. They were throwing in the towel. Adios. Done: with an "I'm out of here" attitude!

Susan knew she didn't want a divorce but longed for more in her marriage. When she tried to talk with Tom, she felt he didn't understand her concerns.

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She was uncertain about this next season in life to say the least. She wasn't even sure what she was thinking or feeling. It just came out as criticism and projection.

Fear or uncertainty can cause impulsive reactions like criticism and projection. Susan Focused on what was wrong with her husband and their relationship instead of pressing into her own discomfort and insecurity. She quickly gave up and assumed Tom didn't car and withdrew.

LITTLE KNOWN TIPS

After further discussion we identified 3 ways to deal with negative or critical thoughts.

1. Your spouse in not your enemy. * He or she is a gift from God and you are one. There is an enemy out there and it's a spiritual one.

Ephesians 6:12 "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Susan truly believes this for her marriage. She was encouraged to have a deeper, more vulnerable conversation with Tom. Susan longs to share her fears and concerns about this next chapter in their marriage. And, she believes they can tackle it together.

* Sometimes, circumstances such as addiction, mental health issues and abuse seriously impact marriage. It can be unsafe. Professional consultation is recommend in these circumstances. Please ask for help.

2. Turn a complaint into a request. Complaining doesn't get anyone anywhere! In Susan's case, she needed to talk with someone to get clear about what she was experiencing.

Once Susan was clear about what she was feeling she could ask for what she needed: time to honestly talk with Tom. She asked Tom for an hour of his time to share her fears and dreams about their imminent empty-nest years.

Tom shared that he wasn't thinking about the whole empty nest thing. He could see the importance of being intentional in the upcoming season of their life.

Tom even suggested they get a book to read about this new phase of their life and Susan was so excited! The book is The Second Half of Marriage, Facing The Eight Challenges of The Empty-Nest Years.

3. You're not alone! Susan felt like she was the only one struggling with this issue. Isolation breeds shame and fear.

As Christians were are never alone. God is always available. He hears our cries and knows what we need. We need to remember to reach out to Him.

Another remedy for isolation is support and understanding. We can get this from family, friends and professional help.

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Magazine covers and newspaper headlines are frequently filled with news of celebrity couples getting divorced. You may not have to look any further than your own extended family and group of friends to also see couples who are breaking up.

If you're married, this may cause you to worry. You may want to prevent your own marriage from becoming another divorce statistic.

But how?

Sometimes, it seems like the couples who ended up getting a divorce were reasonably happy-- at least from what you could determine.

The truth is this...

There are lots of ways to be married, or to be in a committed long-term love relationship. The possibilities are vast.

At the same time, there are particular habits and practices that can not only make your marriage last longer, they can help your relationship be the joyful, close and passionate experience that pretty every one of us desires.

There is an anatomy of a "smart" marriage.

This is not to say that those whose marriages are troubled or have ended are dumb or stupid.

Absolutely not!

This IS to point out that there are smart moves you can make to keep your marriage healthy and you and your spouse connected and close.

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Keep one foot on "common ground."

After you get married, it is important for you and your mate to continue to do the growing and expanding you need to do as individuals.

If either or both of you become stuck and stagnant in your personal growth, it can negatively affect your marriage. After all, how can you keep the spark and passion for one another alive and well when it's dead within yourself?

Unfortunately, some couples believe that this is an either/or endeavor.

They feel like they can only keep exploring and growing on either an individual level or as a couple. People who hold such beliefs often feel torn or they feel resentful when their partner is stepping out and trying new things without them.

In cases like this, the couple can begin to lead separate lives-- each person develops separate interests and the sense of excitement stays separate too.

Instead, it's advisable to keep one foot on "common ground." This means that even as you try out new things and work on your personal growth, you also stay connected to your mate.

You two may not always have the same interests. The things that you are passionate about won't necessarily be exactly what your spouse feels passionate about.

But, you two can celebrate the personal growth of one another. You can cheer on your mate as he or she explores something new. You can even join in and try it yourself.

This is what common ground is. It is a willingness to be open to your partner's interests, even if they aren't as exciting and enthralling to you. It is also a willingness to share what you find enjoyable and exciting with your spouse.

Keep one foot in common ground and watch your marriage connection grow as you each grow.

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You can stop your divorce. Even if things look bleak and you feel like there's no way to make it the marriage work, it really is possible. Countless people have saved marriages by using a powerful approach.

We're not talking about couple's marriage counseling, either. Sure, this approach might work to save a marriage here and there, but overall it doesn't tend to be all that effective. One relationship expert states that therapy only tends to be successful about 20% of the time.

The trick that will stop your divorce is to realize that it doesn't require active participation on the part of your spouse. That may sound absolutely nutty at first glance, but it is the truth. If you want to save a marriage, you can do it--even if your spouse isn't along for the ride initially.

It all involves changing your perspective on how marriages work and what makes them strong. If you are willing to alter your attitude and to do away with some preconceived notions about what it takes to save a marriage, you can be well on your way to avoiding divorce--even if you're on the way to the lawyer's office as you read this.

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Divorce is not inevitable. Your marriage is not doomed. If you want to stop your divorce, you can do it with a little bit of effort and some good advice.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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Hollywood understands human nature. Why else would there be so many movies that portray the holidays being "enjoyed" by so many dysfunctional families? Perhaps the greatest enjoyment is ours as we laugh at and cringe at other families' dealing with their "stuff".

What makes these movies strike a chord with us is our personal experience with our own quirky families of origin and years of pleasantness and not-so-pleasantness around the proverbial family table. Let's just say, we've had our highs and lows!

Challenges of Spending Holidays with Our Family of Origin

It's all too easy to slip into our well-established place in the family system, the place that's reserved for us year after year. It doesn't matter that in the real world we're a successful adult making a name for our self in our chosen field. That we're respected, admired and even sought-after. When we're home, we're the middle child, the one with a temper, the one that flunked out of school, the one that never could quite measure up.

So, amazingly, we defy the laws of reason and slip right back into our childhood role in our family system, a role from which we've never been able to break free.

And then, of course, come the denial and the conspiracy of silence about our deep, dark family secrets. After all, if anyone knew that Mom is a drunk, Dad tortures kittens or Uncle Jake fondles little girls, giant billboards would be displayed in the center of town for all to see and life, as we know it, would end.

Challenges of Spending Holidays with Our In-Laws

Suddenly our spouse becomes a child again, unable to stand up for his rights, unwilling to stand up to her older brothers or parents, incapable of fulfilling the role of king or queen of your heart.

We, the most important person in our partner's life, suddenly become an outsider, fighting for a valued place in the extended family.

His or her family collectively becomes the Devil personified. So, again, the laws of reason are defied, denial ensues, and the gravy turns to sludge in your belly.

Not to mention that no one makes stuffing like your mother!

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Answers to the Dilemma/Coping Strategies

As a couple facing family for the holidays, here are strategies that have worked for us through the years. The longer we're married, the better they work, the quicker we bring them into play, and the more completely our sanity is restored.

* On the drive or plane ride, begin the process of preparation - begin talking about concerns, fears and desires. Look at patterns from the past and adopt a mantra of "no surprises". What has worked in the past? What hasn't? It helps to have realistic expectations!

* Talk about specific behaviors you'll institute this year that will help you cope. Discuss how each of you can offer verbal and nonverbal support to each other.

* Agree on signals you can give each other to mean 1) I've had enough, I've got to get out of here, 2) I need to know I'm more important to you than your parents, 3) family - what're you gonna do?!

* Clarify relational boundaries, those related to your couple relationship and those related to your extended family. Identify and claim what issues are yours, respect and relinquish what issues are your partner's and agree and commit to honor what issues are yours together.

* During your visit, find ways to affirm each other for the competent, well-adjusted adult you've each become.

* Remember that first and foremost you and your partner form a team. Affirm your solidarity. Your partner is not the enemy!

* Set in your mind a clear, vivid picture of your current family and home-sweet-home.

* Practice deep breathing and meditation that can levitate you from the dining table into the realm of sanity.

* Plant positive messages in your brain such as 1) I am an adult; 2) I am not a victim; 3) I am thankful for my family, such as it is; 4) nobody's perfect; 5) I'll soon be home in my recliner watching the big game.

Conversation to Bring You Closer to Your Partner During the Holidays

Before the hustle and bustle of the season, find a quiet place for the two of you, pour a cup of tea or glass of wine, make eye contact and hold hands. Using your best communication skills, both talking and listening, take turns sharing:

1. List the things that would make this a positive holiday experience for you personally.

2. List the things that would make it harder for you personally to enjoy the holidays.

3. List the things you are personally willing to do to make this a positive holiday experience.

4. Agree together on several things you each will do to make this a positive holiday experience.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage These powerful techniques will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

Do you have a unique situation? Discuss your marriage problems on our forum. We can help you find a great loving relationship! Go to: RelationshipTalkForum.com