My Husband Told Me I Need To Lose Weight: Should I Lose Weight For My Husband

I sometimes hear from people who are almost feeling blackmailed within their own marriage. That's because their spouse has made it very clear that he intends to leave them if they don't act in the way that wants. Often, there is a conflict that keeps coming up over and over again. But, other than working through the issue, one spouse decides to attempt to bully the other and makes it clear that if the conflict isn't solved through one spouse "giving in" or doing what the other spouse wants, then the dissatisfied spouse is just going to solve the conflict by walking out on their marriage.

To demonstrate this, I might hear a comment like: "My husband wants several things from me because he isn't happy in our marriage. He wants me to lose weight. He wants for me to be more attentive to him. He wants for me to do more around the house because he thinks that I am too lazy. He has been harping on these things for months. But apparently, I haven't been moving at the speed that he had hoped because yesterday he told me that he's still very unhappy and that he is going to have no choice but to leave me unless I accomplish these tasks that he has laid out. He says that I look like I have gained weight rather than lost any. He says that the house has never looked worse. It makes me feel just awful when he says these things. It makes me feel like I am lazy and unmotivated. And honestly, when he is this mean to me, I feel like it is less likely that I am going to comply with his requests although I know that I must. I don't want to feel so angry at my husband. I feel like he is blackmailing me. What can I do? Other than just do what he wants?"

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It Can Help To Understand This Thinking: I have to agree with the wife in this case. This is almost the equivalent of emotional blackmail. It's not a nice way to treat your spouse and it's not a nice tactic to take. With that said, I hear from a lot of husbands in this sort of scenario and they will likely tell you that they stooped to this level because nothing else has worked. Often in their mind, they have asked their spouse nicely to make these changes and she took no action whatsoever. So his thinking is that he has to do something drastic in order to get her attention. He thinks that he has to make a veiled threat in order to get the changes that he wants because otherwise, his marriage is going to remain the same and he is going to remain unhappy. So although his methods are questionable and a bit cruel, in his own mind, he is simply trying to get results.

It's optimal if you can show him or allow him to see that by making these threats, he is actually making it less likely to get what he wants. It's optimal to show him that the better strategy is to treat you with kindness in order to inspire you to want to change. But first, you may went to take some inventory.

Look At Which Requests Are Valid: Before you approach your husband about this, it can help to take an honest inventory. Ask yourself which of his requests are fair and actually valid. In this scenario, the wife admitted that she could stand to lose some weight and she admitted that the house could use some improvement. But she resented being asked to be more attentive to her husband when he himself was not all that attentive to her. So, she didn't have a problem with two of the requests, but she resented how the requests were being presented to her.

The Next Step: I felt that the next step was to have a direct conversation about this. The next time the husband brought this up, she might say something like: "I'm well aware that you feel this way because you have brought it up multiple times. I have thought a lot about this. I don't think that a few of your requests are unreasonable. I admit that I need to lose some weight and keep the house a little neater. But, I don't need for you to threaten me in the way that you are. It hurts my feelings and it makes me not want to do anything because of the way that you have presented it to me. It makes me feel belittled and bullied. I know that isn't your intention. I know that you don't want to hurt me. I know that you just want to see some changes in our marriage. But how would you like it if I told you that I was going to abandon you if you didn't do something arbitrary like bring home more money for the household? How would that make you feel? I wouldn't do that to you. So I'm asking you to change the way you approach this. I think that I would be more motivated if you would ask me nicely and would treat me with dignity and respect. I'd love for you to go to the gym with me. I think that would motivate me much more. But no matter how we accomplish this, I'm asking you to not make threats but instead to make requests and then to support me. Are you willing to do this?"

Hopefully, this conversation will be all that is needed. If he continues on, you will likely have to keep drawing his attention to this and asking him to do better. When he does do better, then that is when you want to start doing what he's asked of you. In this way, you are literally showing him that he is going to get the results that he wants when he makes the request in a pleasant way.

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Improve your marriage is what you are hoping, wishing and praying to do but finding the right way to improve your marriage is a little challenging right?

I have been in your shoes and know that marriage is a work in progress but definitely worth the time and effort. If you are having marital problems or have a good marriage but want to make it great then you are 10 steps ahead of most couples who simply do nothing and either end up divorced or miserable for life.

I'm glad that won't be your case because you want to and will improve your marriage.

So here are a few concepts on how to improve your marriage. At the end of the article you can click on the Saving Your Marriage Today link and get more details on improving your marriage.

Learn to Appreciate Your Spouse

It's very easy to find faults with your spouse and as time goes by those shortcomings will be more obvious and annoying. Complaining about little unimportant things won't help you improve your marriage.

I once heard of a young lady complaining endlessly about how her husband would leave hair in the shower or forget to put the toilet seat down. An older lady gently noted how she wished her deceased husband was still around to clean up after.

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The young ladies perspective was changed and she began to look for ways to improve her marriage instead of ways to rip her husband apart.

Change Yourself and Not Your Spouse

If you really want to improve your marriage you might want to consider changing some of your ways and not your spouse. I'm sure you feel like if your spouse would just listen to you and follow your instructions your marriage would be great and life would be good.

Sure you could be happier but your spouse could be miserable and instead of improving your marriage your marriage might need a little rescuing.

My suggestion would be that you invest some time and energy in transforming yourself to make your marriage better. See if you can improve on any of the following areas;

Communication - How you talk to your spouse i.e., tone, sarcasm, looks or willingness to be open and honest.

Intimacy - Have you been as romantic, spontaneous and loving as you can be or used to be? Improve your marriage by being the irresistible love bug you were when you first met.

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Looking for advice about marriage?

Of course you are, but guess're very likely getting lots of bad advice. I know where you're looking for this advice, and I'll tell you in a minute how and why this is wrong.

I totally understand what you're going through because it wasn't long ago that I was going through it too. In fact I have about 7 years of bad marriage under my belt, but was lucky enough to get some great advice about marriage in order to be able to turn it around.

But let me tell you, it seemed like nothing was ever going to work for me. I couldn't find a way out no matter what I tried. Not out of the marriage, but out of the trouble with the marriage. Out of the fighting! Out of the constant stress and arguing.

Now like you I was doing something very wrong and in fact pretty stupid. Here's what I would do. I would get pissed off at my wife, and then go and call a bunch of my friends asking them what the heck I should do.

Of course as you can expect, and as you probably know first hand...that got me nowhere.

First of all most of my friends were single at the time. So what the heck did they know about marriage. Know what they told me. "Get out of it", "Dump her", "if you get out of it you can come here to the bar and hang out with us". Stupid advice that got me nowhere!

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Actually the worst part about that is that I got not only terrible advice about marriage, but also my friends began to actually dislike my wife because of all the bad things I was telling them about her.

Let me ask your friends now sort of hate your spouse because of all the bad things you've said about them? Do you find yourself actually having to defend your spouse to your friends because they have these thoughts.

That's exactly what happens. You see you don't mean to say those things but your mad, and you say a bunch of things that you don't want to say about your spouse. How can you blame your friends for ending up disliking your spouse? You made it happen.

Listen going around talking to people about your marriage problems is ridiculous and actually pretty stupid. I did it and I know first hand how stupid it was.

What you really need to do is keep your mouth shut, and find advice about marriage from people who really understand marriage. Advice from people who maybe have been there done that. People who are married, and have been married! Or maybe even someone who you don't know who actually has a record of effectively helping people.

Now that would be your best source of advice about marriage.

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Long term relationships like marriage can lose its magic if couples became complacent and stop nourishing it. Couples could fall out of love and if you feel your marriage is heading to that direction, you have to do something to bring back the passion in your marriage and save yourself from the pain of divorce.

You have to take action if you feel that you or your spouse is getting bored or losing interest in being married. Do not take this stage as the end of your relationship but think of it as a phase that most couples go through and there are ways to bring back the passion in your marriage.

The first thing that couples should do is sit down and seriously talk about the relationship. You need to communicate more to better understand what is going on with your marriage and what you can do to put your marriage back on track. Listen to what your spouse has to say and take it seriously. You both should be willing to work things out to make your marriage exciting and full of life again.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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Plan a romantic vacation or getaway so that you can spend time together without distraction. The demands of married life can put so much stress in your relationship and it can take the place of romance. You both need to spend time together to renew the romance in your relationship and bring back the passion in your marriage.

Always talk at the end of the day. Married life can be very demanding and you and your spouse may find each other not talking or spending time with each other. To bring back the passion in your marriage you both need to make time for each other. At the end of the day or before going to bed it will be very helpful in your relationship to talk about what happened to you at work or what happened at home while your spouse is at work. Updating each other or discussing about everyday happenings is one of the best ways to bring back the passion in your marriage.

Gestures of love. In a long term relationship, knowing that you both love each other is not enough to make the marriage last. Love should be coupled with action. Giving your husband a massage when he arrives from work looking tired and exhausted is one sweet gesture that demonstrates how much you love your spouse. Calling her once in a while when you have a free time at work will make her smile and love you more. Simple acts of love can strengthen you marriage and it can bring back the passion in your marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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Looking for love and romance can be challenging. Discuss your marriage problems on our forum. We can help you find a great loving relationship! Go to: Relationship Forum