My Husband's Past Is Haunting Me: Why Does My Husbands Past Bother Me So Much

I sometimes hear from people who truly want to move past their spouse's cheating but one huge issue is standing in their way - and that is the issue of fear. It's absolutely normal and understandable to be so afraid of something that has hurt you so much. When you have been so wounded by the pain of cheating, of course you are naturally going to put up your guard to ensure that this never happens to you again.

There's a problem with this strategy, of course. While your being this guarded does mean that you are less likely to get hurt again, it also means that you are always have a heavy wall built around you so that real, spontaneous love and trust can no longer find its way in.

Common comments are things like: "how do I begin to let go of the constant and paralyzing fear that my spouse is eventually going to cheat on me again? I want to move past this so badly. My husband and I have done so much work on our marriage since his affair last year. In many ways, our marriage is stronger and better. My husband has done everything that I have asked of him and yet, deep down, I know that he loves me. But I also know that love isn't always enough. Because if it was, he would have never have cheated on me in the first place. I want to blindly trust him like I used to, but I can't seem to let go of my fear. My husband is a very nice looking man who has a business that means he is going to have a lot of female clients. This didn't bother me before the infidelity but now I always wonder about a new client's appearance. I always worry if he seems to be spending too much time with one of them. If I notice him look too long at someone else when we are out or at a restaurant, I worry about that also. I sometimes find myself taking an accusatory tone with my husband when he is talking about another woman, even if their relationship is completely innocent. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I always worry that he is going to stray again. He has put a lot of work into our marriage. I know that he wouldn't do that if he intended to cheat again, but I can't get these worries out of my head. And it is affecting my marriage. My husband gets very frustrated because he feels like he can never win. And I want to stop my feelings but I can't. How do I move past the fear?" I will try to address these concerns below.

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Accept That The Fear Is Normal And Is In No Way Your Fault: As a wife who has been cheated on, I know how awful this feels, but I also know that it is absolutely normal. You must accept that the fear isn't there because of something that you have done wrong. The fear didn't just crop up for no reason. The fear cropped up because of a mistake that your husband made. It is a natural reaction to something that isn't your fault. So please don't beat yourself up about it or feel that if you were just strong enough, you wouldn't be experiencing this. You are very strong, but you are dealing with a situation that is very challenging and you are doing the best that you can.

A Method That Might Help You To Move Past The Fear: I will tell you how I moved past the fear. I can't promise that this method will work for every one but I found it very helpful and I know others that have benefited from it also. For me, it came down to one simple consideration. And I will share that shortly. But before I do, I have to confess that I went through a very similar process. My husband has to travel for his job. It got to the point where I was either constantly traveling with him (which wasn't healthy for my children) or I was driving myself crazy when he had to travel without me. I would then resent him for putting me in a situation where I felt a lack of control. I became angry at feeling so helpless to overcome these emotions. And one day I asked myself to consider the worst case scenario - that he would cheat again. Then I asked myself what would be the worst thing to come out of that. So I allowed myself to list all of those fears which were: that my children would grow up in a broken home; that I would feel like a fool for trusting him again; and that I would have wasted my time trying to rehabilitate a marriage that was only going to be ruined a second time.

Then, I looked at my list and I thought that I was almost making all of the things that I listed more likely with my fears. For example, I was so worried about my children and yet they were affected my the tensions that my fears created. I worried about feeling like a fool if he cheated again and yet I felt insecure and silly in my current situation. I worried about wasted time but I had to admit that I spent hours of out every day worrying.

And then a little voice in my head said "if it happened, you would handle it then like you have handled it before. But you won't allow this fear to steal away another minute of your life." That was the turning point for me. I had done enough individual work on myself that I knew that I had become much stronger and I knew that I could handle it if I had to deal with this again. I certainly wouldn't like it. But I was capable. And I vowed that I would do everything in my power to strengthen my marriage and remove any vulnerabilities and then I would chose to have faith in myself, and in my husband, and in the universe's wisdom. And I decided that I would deal with infidelity if it surfaced again but I realized that by worrying about it, I was continuing to give up pieces of my life and that was almost as bad as the actual infidelity. And so I let it go. And it was a huge relief. It was so wonderful to walk away from that suffocating fear and this improved my marriage also.

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Quite often, when you say to one of your friends that your husband doesn't love you anymore, the response would be "Honey, of course he loves you. It's just that you're going through hard times." Yes, that can be the case; but it may also be that your husband has really lost his interest towards you and you might be heading for a divorce. This might sound tough, but you have to stop pretending there are no problems and start seeing the realities. Good news is - there are things you can do to make your husband love you again. And these things can work incredibly well, because your husband married you for a reason - he once loved you and will love you again if you do the right things.

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A lot of people just blame their spouses when they feel that they aren't loved as much as they used to. But that's not what you do when your husband doesn't love you anymore. More confrontation and finger pointing will only make matters worse. Plus, your husband's lack of interest in you is not entirely his fault, maybe? It might be the case that you are not treating him the way you used to, or you too are showing some lack of interest. In either case, you first need to have a look at yourself before blaming your husband when you complain that your husband doesn't love you anymore.

But also keep it in mind that if you constantly try to talk to your husband about yourself and how you are feeling, he might easily get bored out of this. A natural way to go when your husband doesn't love you anymore would be to sit down and talk to him about everything openly. But sometimes that just might not do the trick - well, we women have the ability to bore our husbands with our talk just as they have the ability to bore us - sometimes you need to learn a bit of reverse psychology. For example, don't be in front of him the whole day. Be away, go somewhere with friends and show him that you are not to be taken granted. This can create a void in your husband, and he will try to win you over again - and when he tries that, both of you will be happy. When your husband doesn't love you anymore, you can do wonders by some reverse psychology!

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I feel like my husband doesn't love me anymore is something many of us have experienced. Marriages, like most relationships, change over time. It's heartbreaking when a woman starts to feel that her husband's feelings for her have shifted. If you find yourself in this situation you may fear that the only path you can take is one towards more emotional disconnection with your husband and then eventually divorce. It doesn't have to be this way. If you are still in love with your husband, there are several things you can do, starting right now, to save your marriage.

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Saying to yourself I feel like my husband doesn't love me anymore is difficult but it also opens the door to repairing whatever is failing within the marriage. You first need to consider how much you and your spouse have changed since the wedding and how you've both adapted to those changes. One good example is becoming parents. A couple's relationship is completely transformed once children arrive in the picture. You may see your husband in a different light now and he may do the same with you. It's easy for resentment to build up when you two are trying to raise a family together and conflicts arise. If this is occurring in your marriage you need to find a way to resolve those issues. Although you'll always be co-parents, you are still, at the foundation, partners so you need to find a way to work through any tension within the relationship. Your husband may feel that you aren't compromising or understanding his side of things, so make an effort to do just that.

You should also try and express to your husband your unending support. It's easy to become critical of someone when we become comfortable with them. Contrary to what most of us believe, men can feel deeply hurt when they are criticized just as women do. If you've taken to unconsciously nagging at your husband or you've inadvertently started comparing him to your friends' husbands, you need to stop that now. Shower him with praise and adoration instead. Focus on the qualities about him that you love. If you can do that he'll start to feel valued again and that alone can change how he feels about you.

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I sometimes hear from wives who have to adjust to rapidly changing behaviors from their husband during their trial or marital separation. It's not uncommon that just as everything seems hopeless and just as the wife begins to live her life again, suddenly the husband begins to show some interest. At that point, not only if the wife very confused, she has to determine the best course of action and decide how to deal with this.

An example is a comment like: "honestly, our trial separation did not go very well. I was incredibly clingy and my husband really just wanted time away from me. Emotionally, I just couldn't give it. I see now that I called and texted too much. Even though my husband told me that I was going too far, I couldn't seem to stop myself. So my husband took the very drastic step to move away. Sure, he was offered a very tempting job, but he pursued that job. And now we live two hours apart from one another. Once he moved, I had to face the facts that our marriage was probably over. It hurt me to do this, but what choice do I have? About a week after he moved, my husband started calling me. At first it was only once every couple of days but now it is every day. Although I'm really glad to hear from him, I confused. It's not as if we talk about anything major or related to our marriage. But we do talk every day and out conversations are pleasant. I am not sure what to make of this. Part of me is happy to see some improvement. But another part of me is very torn. He lives two hours away. How in the world are we going to make any progress in that situation? I kind of resent him waiting to move before he would be receptive to me. Why wait to talk to me until he moved?"

It's actually very common for a husband to suddenly be interested or receptive again once the wife appears to have accepted the situation and backed off just a little. This is what happened in my case. It is almost as if the husband has finally gotten the time and space that he wanted and determined that it wasn't so great after all. In my view, you really do have two choices here. You can become resentful that he waited so long and react with frustration and distance (which might hurt your chances of saving your marriage) or you can vow to just see what happens and to not get ahead of yourself.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

It's very normal to start thinking about a reconciliation the second he starts being nicer to you. But that can be a big mistake. I made that mistake, my husband backed away again, and I had to start all over. This wasted precious time and caused even more pain. It was very hard to pick myself up and back away a second time. But doing so meant he eventually became receptive again. That's why I think that the best strategy right now is to not think too hard about tomorrow. There is nothing wrong with hoping that tomorrow turns out like you planned. But, understand that the situation is delicate.

My suggestion would be to just enjoy your daily conversations. The goal really should be to end the conversation in a positive way so that he calls again tomorrow and the next day and so on. In this way, there isn't a lot of pressure and you are hopefully slowly building up to something else. Try very hard not to ask your husband just where he thinks all of this going or why he's suddenly receptive. Frankly, he may not really know. It might be that all he knows is that he found himself missing you and he wanted to hear your voice. This is actually a great thing if you still want to save your marriage.

And, although you might find this situation frustrating, it really is a very unique opportunity. Since you won't see each other regularly, you have this wonderful chance to just talk and to communicate. Communicating effectively is vital for a sound reconciliation and a strong marriage. It's a great opportunity for you to hone this skill while you are reconnecting. And I suspect that it will mean that when you do see one another, sparks will fly because of the anticipation.

But to address the original concern, I believe that this turn of events is actually potentially a very positive thing. Sure, it's very inconvenient that he has already moved, but it's not insurmountable. In the future, one or both of you may decide to move to be with the other. But try very hard not to think about that right now. Just take it day by day. And enjoy the process. Because it's so much better that he's calling you instead of refusing to take your calls, right?

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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