Staying In Marriage For Child: In A Loveless Marriage With Children

Should we stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids? That is the question a lot of parents are struggling with and making a choice to sacrifice their own life and happiness for the sake of not traumatizing their children. But is it always the right choice? Is it always true that all kids are better off if their moms and dads stay unhappily together?

I did not grow up in a divorced family. My parents have been married for 38 years. They claim they have been happily married and love each other, but with every fight I witnessed when I was a kid, and with every mean word and bickering I still hear, I am wondering if my parents would be happier if they got divorced. Maybe they would meet other people, maybe there would be no fighting and bickering. I can only imagine what it is like for kids whose parents are arguing all the time, when there is no warmth, comfort and love in the house. I know you can feel those things. You can feel them lacking even more so.

I wonder if the kids get traumatized not from the divorce itself, but from all the negativity they experience leading to the divorce and during the divorce process. What causes the most trauma could be seeing their parents hating, insulting, emotionally abusing and manipulating each other.

According to Dr. Marilyn Heins, pediatrician and an author, although negative effects on children of divorce have been well-documented, there is very little evidence that divorce per se is the CAUSE of the difficulties. Very few of the widely-quoted studies on the deleterious effects of divorce on children compare children of divorce with children in intact families.

In her article "The "Good" Divorce", she describes that the differences between children of divorce and children who live in two-parent families can be traced to THREE POSSIBLE CAUSES. 1) Growing up in a dysfunctional family and living with the psychological problems of the parents that lead to divorce can certainly affect children. 2) Prolonged marital conflict which leads to divorce is no picnic for kids. 3) The transition after separation or divorce which can lead to financial and emotional stress in both parent and child adversely affects children. She also gives an example of a mother who approached her saying that her children's numerous emotional problems and school difficulties virtually disappeared after she divorced her husband and moved to a new community.

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Dr. Heins also points out a study that showed a good divorce can be better than an unhappy marriage. The authors noted that divorce causes children pain but challenged some myths that surround divorce. It is a myth that divorce happens because selfish parents don't care about their kids. The parents studied agonized over their decisions and endured miserable marriages over long time periods for the sake of their children. It is also a myth that divorce is always bad for kids. The children studied all wished their parents would stay together but most adapted, over time. And persistent conflict or violence was the single biggest stressor to all the children studied.

In conclusion, she writes that if you are in an abusive or miserably unendurable marriage, if your kids are exposed to violence or endless conflict that counseling cannot resolve, if you have given it your best shot, you should not feel guilty if you choose the divorce option.

In an article "What Researchers Say About Divorce" Russell Collins, MFT & Laura Collins, JD also point out that a study carried out in 2001 found that divorce in high-conflict marriages often results in beneficial effects for the children. In these situations divorce is seen as a relief. If children from low-conflict families are better off when parents stay together, then the choice may come to, "Whose happiness am I going to choose?" High-conflict couples confront the opposite dilemma: "Am I hurting my child by trying to save the marriage?"

Should we stay together for the kids? The answer from research is this: in a low conflict marriage, you can stay together for the kids with a reasonable hope that your sacrifice will pay off.
In a high-conflict marriage, on the other hand, you can separate or divorce with confidence that you have helped your children escape the seriously damaging consequences of fighting between parents.

Unfortunately, society still looks at a divorce negatively and blames divorcees for ruining families and traumatizing their children. There is a lot of pressure from extended families, the media, the religious organizations, but the truth is nobody except us can decide what is better for our children. The truth is that divorce hurts. It is painful for both parents and children. But it is also true that over time both parents and children will recover and go on to live happy and productive lives.

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In a marriage where alcohol has become the new primary partner and if you have children, they will usually become the most affected by the marriage, more so than you. Why? They also hear the arguing, fighting and they see the drunkenness. No matter how young they are, they can sense tension, sadness as well as the unhappiness that you are experiencing. They same feeling that you are experiencing, they are experiencing them too. For your children's sake and yours also, your mind needs to be able to stay clear, alert and able to focus on them. Keeping your enthusiasm for other things and on other things will help them stay focused as well.

Sure times are rough and more than likely they will get worse before they get better, if they get better. Sometimes they get tougher than not even you could have imagined it. Whatever you do don't start to settle and don't let them start to settle for the way things are, keep yourself focused and them focused on the way things are going to be regardless of his drinking and possible cruelty. Keep your children cheered up as much as possible, imagine how they MUST be feeling.

Talk to your children and try not to advocate ill feelings or negative thoughts towards him, help them to think positive thoughts of things that are sure to come. Don't let your negativity transfer to them you'll loose track of all the positive things that all of you can accomplish.

Children will suffer from the embarrassment of seeing a staggering drunk, especially in front of their friends or family. They are living in the same household as you and experiencing the same things as you, they simply just may feeling things in a different way. Talking helps, keep them focused on other things, don't let their anger and hurt destroy them.

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In today's world there are so many factors that tend to threaten the institution of marriage. Maintaining a relationship sometimes seems impossible. Marriage has been considered the foundation of a civilized society and successful family living for thousands of years. Even with that said, we know that marriages have difficulties caused by the stress of raising of children, financial decisions, emotional concerns, extra marital affairs and the changing roles of men and women in the world as it is today. In today's society more emphasis has to be put on saving your marriage than ever before.

So, taking all the above into consideration, where do you go for good advice if you are trying to save your marriage? This can be a tough question to answer depending on the individual's belief systems.

Marriage itself is an institution of great emotion and compromise. Sometimes an individual has to change, or at least compromise, in order to appreciate their partner's role in their marriage. This can be a difficult concept.

When seeking help it may be best to look in the direction of an organization that places great importance in marriage. Yes, the organization to look at for help is the one that places the most value on marriage, the church. The type of counseling they can offer is called pastoral counseling. Pastoral counseling will concentrate on the couple's relationship. Bringing the couple closer together will become the main goal. This goal excludes cases of extreme abuse in the relationship. Pastoral counselors hold to the belief that vows are taken forever.

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In contrast to the pastoral counselor, a clinical psychologist or family therapist will take a different approach. They focus on the individual. It is a known fact that marriage or family counselors may not have the educational background needed to deal with couple's therapy. They may only have a class or an elective in their educational background specifically dealing with couple's therapy. This does not sound like the best source to save your marriage. You will need to be brought closer as a couple not just treated for psychopathologies as individuals.

Even if you have a problem finding a pastoral counselor due to religious or church affiliations you can find this type of help. You can call various churches to find schedules for marriage retreats and weekend marriage seminars. You will, in this way, make contact with a pastoral counselor and possibly make arrangements for follow up meetings in the future.

There is nothing easy about marriage. Of course it will sometimes feel impossible. Do not give up. Your marriage is worth saving. Remember seeking help from a pastoral pastor can save your marriage.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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If you'd like to learn how to repair a marriage it's already good by itself because you already have the desire to do it. After getting more information on this subject, you desire will drive you to action.

Just like repairing anything else, fixing a marriage is a skill. If you don't have it, you have to develop it. If you already have it, you have to improve it. Almost any marriage faces some kind of problems this way or another. That's why developing problem resolution skills is so important - even if you don't have any problems right now, chances are you'll have them in the future. So if you know how to fix it, you marriage will be safe.

The most important thing in repairing a marriage is identifying the key problems that are breaking it down. Once they are identified, they can be solved. There is a solution for any problem. The identification of the problems sometimes can be quite complicated. If this is the case employ decomposition, i.e. brake down a larger problem into smaller ones.

After you've identified the problems all you have to do is just find and, more importantly, apply the solutions. Finding the solutions is real easy if the problems a rather small and simple, that's why decomposition makes sense.

Applying the solutions could be more complicated. Sometimes both partners know what to do, but they just don't do it for whatever reason. It takes patience; it takes desire to save the marriage. Never give up if you fail in action. You know what to do, and if you failed, just keep trying and you better be sure you'll repair your marriage.

One last note: keep studying the subject. Knowing how to repair a marriage is what makes a success.

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Author's Bio: 

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage These powerful techniques will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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