Staying In Marriage For Child: In A Loveless Marriage With Children

I get a lot of emails from people who describe their marriage as "loveless." Many ask for advice as to how to survive in such a marriage. And, overwhelmingly, the people who send these emails cite their children as the reason that you are continuing on in this way. Simply put, they do not want for their children to grow up in a broken home. They would rather have themselves be somewhat unhappy and unfulfilled than to hurt their children.

This is understandable and admirable. My parents divorced when I was 14. The pain of this event has stayed with me past my adolescence and, in many ways, has affected my adult relationships. So, I understand not wanting for your children to go through this sort of pain and loss. But, what many people do not realize is that it is possible for everyone in the family to be happy. You don't just have to just accept your marriage as something that is loveless but lasting. It is certainly worth a try to change the dynamics of your marriage and to return the love. I know for certain this can be done as I have seen it happen countless times and have experienced this myself.

Understanding That A Loveless Marriage Can Also Be Detrimental To Your Children: I understand that many folks in a loveless marriage feel like they are doing this all for the sake of their kids. And, grated, I don't think that many people would argue that avoiding divorce is the right call. But, some experts will tell you that children would rather come from a broken home than a home that is broken. I'm not entirely sold on this. As a child of divorce and from knowing countless people like myself, I can tell you that most of us wish that our parents had found a way to work things out.

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With that said, no child should grow up in a home where there is so much drama and fighting that the child doesn't feel safe or secure. However, this is usually not the case in the emails that I get. In fact, there is often not all that much fighting. Things are usually quite cordial, but not loving. People will often assume that so long as the home is stable and without drama, staying together is optimal for the kids. This could well be true, but demonstrating a marriage without mutual affection, attraction, and love is likely not the marriage that you would like to model for your children either.

When your children marry and begin to set up their married life, there is likely no question that you wish for them to be happy and in a mutually loving relationship. If this was not modeled for them, they might grow up thinking that a marriage devoid of these feelings is normal or acceptable. This is likely not what you want for them.

Everyone deserves to be happy and fulfilled in their marriage. You, and your children, are no exception. Of course, the great irony of all of this is that you're making these sacrifices for your children. But, in the process, you might be demonstrating what you don't want for them. You want for them to know what a mutually healthy and satisfying relationship looks like and how it functions and this of course, is a catch 22.

Deciding To Change The Landscape Of Your Loveless Marriage: Prioritizing Your Own Needs And Happiness: I find it very common that people in this situation are in the habit of putting their children (and the needs of those children) first in their line of priorities. This is admirable and understandable. But, you deserve to be happy too. And your children deserve parents who love each other as much as their children. I have seen these loveless unions turn around time and time again. But, the first step in this is accepting that the two of you need regular time together away from your children in order to reignite some of the spark and to rediscover what drew you together in the first place.

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Often, when I begin to allude to this, people will say things like "you don't understand. There is nothing there. We just don't love each other anymore. I can't even imagine spending regular time alone with him." In response, I will often ask if things were always this way - even in the beginning. Because, I'm always skeptical that someone would chose this kind of relationship when dating. Usually at this point, the person will admit that things were in fact quite different in the beginning. But, somewhere along the line, something was lost and they fear that there's no way to get it back.

I firmly believe that you can get it back. I have done this in my own life. I can't tell you that it's always easy. But, most of the time it's possible. It's sometimes a gradual process and sometimes you have to take baby steps. But, if you are determined and try to make very small improvements on a repetitive basis, you will often find after some time that your marriage isn't as "loveless" as you once assumed.

Often, the perceived lack of feelings is the direct result of incorrect perceptions, getting into bad habits, of forming habits of neglect. Very often, bringing back awareness and efforts can begin to change this. Yes, it can feel awkward and vulnerable at first. But this is your family we are talking about. This is your life (in which you deserve to be happy, I might add.) It's my experience that there's no reason that you can't be happy within the family that you already have. Yes, it's going to take some work and some changes, but I know first hand that it can be done.

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Help for troubled marriage may seem like it will never come, if you are unlucky enough to be one of the ones stuck inside a troubled marriage. It's sometimes easier than you think to make to make some changes for the better, so check out the rest of this article to help your marriage...

Help for troubled marriage-1

Develop a plan for your finances. It's a sad fact, but a huge percentage of marriage problems are caused by money. Either not having enough or not being able to hold on to what little you do have. But the fact is, it's a lot easier to manage your cash if you have a plan, and if you both stick to that plan, you'll have no reason to fight with each other about it.

Help for troubled marriage-2

Go on dates - with each other that is! For some reason the default setting for many people once they get married is to find a nice routine of finishing work and then watching TV until bed time. How can you expect to have a great marriage when you live like that? So the answer is to keep dating each other - have a date night or two each week, where you go out and do nice things and enjoy each other's company.

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Help for troubled marriage-3

Share the decisions. Any great marriage is an example of great teamwork, and it gets this way by sharing opinions and helping each other make decisions. If you go out and buy a new car on your credit card without your husband knowing you aren't exactly showing him that you have faith in his opinions are you? So talk things over, and decide what to to together.

Help for troubled marriage-4

Shower them with compliments. Okay so shower is a strong word, but just because you're married it doesn't mean you have to ease off the compliments altogether. It's still nice to hear someone say nice things, married or not, and you'll be surprised at just how good it can make you feel.

Help for troubled marriage-5

Stand together. Never ever criticise your partner in public. You don't really want to become "that" couple do you? The pair that everyone is staring at waiting for the fight to start? Saying bad things about your partner in public is just about the best way to show them you have no respect for them and don't care about their feelings. If you behave like that, don't expect them to take your side over anything anytime soon.

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How can you make a marriage strong and happy? A strong marriage needs both parties to put in effort to make the marriage happy. The fact is anyone who is married will have to know how to make their marriage better. So, what are the ways that can help to make your marriage better?

Communication
Communication is important for a marriage. Without an effective communication, couples will not be able to understand each other well. Although certain things may seem easy to understand, but do not expect your spouse to be a mind reader to understand everything. Share with your spouse about your needs and thinking.

Compromises
Learn how to compromise can help to make your marriage better. Sometimes in a relationship, you will have arguments and you will disagree. It may cause resentment and if the problems are not solved, it will destroy the marriage and lead to divorce. It is necessary to give and take in a relationship, forgiving your spouse and moving on without any grudges will help to make a marriage better and stronger.

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Respect
Learn to appreciate and respect your spouse. Saying thank you is a way of telling your spouse you appreciate and recognize his or her effort. Listen to your spouse's advice and decision. Even if you disagree with some of your spouse's advice and decision, you should avoid saying sarcastic remarks that are disrespectful to your partner.

Little thoughts and actions
A relationship is always the sweetest when it is in the beginning stage. It is a common sign to see couples doing lesser sweet and romantic things to each other when they are together for too long. You do not have to do big things every day to prove your love to your spouse. Little thoughts and actions like making a cup of coffee every morning or cuddling each other every day can help to make the bonding stronger between couples.

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Marriage is a word that carries a lot of weight with it. Yes, it has its perks and many of them, but it also has its downfalls as does any relationship. Friction in marriage or a relationship can be caused by a number of things and for a number of reasons. Some reasons may include:

1. Financial strain

2. Infidelity

3. Infertility

4. Abuse

5. Traumatic experience(s)

6. Job loss or issues at work

7. Opposing religious viewpoints

8. Family troubles

The above list could continue for at least a mile. Marriage and relationships are complicated and while some issues can be worked out between parties, third party assistance may be necessary. Marriage counseling is not at all a bad thing. It does not sound savory or exciting and it can be downright dreadful at times. Let's take Hank and Daisy as an example.

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Hank and Daisy have been married for ten years and live in a suburb of Seattle. Their relationship has been mostly good with a few little bumps. Hank has had a difficult time holding down a job because his profession and skills are not constantly needed by the companies for which he has worked. Daisy has a steady job that pays well and keeps them afloat financially. The biggest bump in their relationship is that they are unable to conceive children. Over the last several years of their marriage, animosity has grown between them because of Hank's inability to stay employed and because they have not been able to conceive. They have exhausted help and expertise from physicians as to the cause of their inability to conceive children and both have given up on the idea. They have stopped communicating, eating meals together and even sleeping in the same bed. They avoid each other as much as possible and discuss only the most important of matters such as bills. They are growing weary of each other and divorce is becoming a welcome possibility.

At this point, Hank and Daisy need more than just communication to solve their problems. Their problems have escalated to a point where they cannot reconcile their relationship by themselves. At the request of both sets of parents, Hank and Daisy attend marriage counseling. During counseling, they work with their counselor on goals individually and collectively to create a more harmonious relationship. They discuss openly issues they have with each other and find productive ways to deal with those issues. After several months of marriage counseling, their relationship has grown stronger and they are happier than they have been in years.

Marriage counseling can help immensely. Divorce does not have to be an option when you can work things out between yourselves with the help of a counselor.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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