Trust Between Husband And Wife: Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken

When relationships are new and fresh there is little focus on building trust and creating a healthy marriage. It's assumed in most cases by both parties that neither will do no wrong and life will be filled with joy. Unfortunately it doesn't always turn out that way.

Over time mistakes are made, hurtful words might be exchanged and partners slowly begin treating each other differently. Forgetting the real reasons they entered into a relationship together life slowly begins to unravel between the couple. Trust begins to erode and the relationship is left on uncertain terms.

If left unchecked the relationship is doomed for failure. It doesn't need to go that way. Taking a few simple steps along the way and adjusting attitudes and behaviors will keep the relationship on course towards a trusting and healthy marriage.

Openness in communication is key to successful relationships. Each person needs to feel comfortable expressing their needs and desires to build trust and understanding. If they express themselves only to be met with criticism and judgement then the conversations will serve no positive purpose.

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Practice listening during these times and instead of judging, repeat back to your partner how you understand what they are stating to you. Show compassion and an intent to understand what it is they are asking for. The simplest of misconstrued ideas can send the relationship reeling. It isn't always necessary to immediately fix the issue but begin with just understanding what your partner desires from you.

Honor your partner in all situations. You wouldn't want your partner to go to work and tell coworkers all the things you struggle with in your relationship would you? Never say anything behind there back that you wouldn't want them to hear directly from you. Chances are if you say something negative it will get back to them and it may be in an even less desirable light when it does.

Practice integrity in your relationship. Who are you when no one else is looking? If your spouse was watching would you still be saying, doing or thinking what you are? If they walked in and witnessed what you were doing would they be upset with you?

Most relationships begin with trust as a given. If trust is breached for any reason it will take time to rebuild. Depending on the severity of the breach of trust it may never be built. Be sure to follow these simple steps and avoid the breach in the first place. You will both enjoy a healthy marriage because of it.

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After several years of married life, regardless of how busy our lives are, a nagging question keeps popping up:

How happy am I in this marriage? Or: is this marriage helping me to develop into the best person I can be, or is it destroying me?

This is a challenging question, and if you are totally unhappy, probably you don't want to face it. Is better to be spared the pain of looking at your most important relationship and declare it a drag...because, once you know, you will have to do something. Is better then to close your eyes and stop the evaluation?

Perhaps you are of the school of thought that accepts marital suffering as a way of paying back bad karma, and then you believe you can't do anything now to improve your situation, so you end up not thinking on the status of your marriage?

In either of the extremes of satisfaction or unhappiness, frequent evaluation of the state of health of your main relationship is paramount! This is the most important relationship, which can either support or destroy your self-esteem, your health and your life....so you have a need to have a deep, sincere look at the present state of your marriage and then decide what to do to improve it.

Let's begin exploring what a healthy marriage is:

"A healthy marriage is a learning, mutually satisfying relationship committed to both partner's ongoing growth and personal development by providing reciprocal support and respect for each other's individual characteristics and life purpose and for shared goals."

Of course, all marriages are work in progress, developing along time and with a lot of personal effort. Certain amount of friction and confrontation is acceptable to a certain degree.

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When marital difficulties appear because both parts of the couple need different things or are fighting about different values, or they pursue different dreams, then the gap between the two begins to transform into an abyss.

Painful conversations can make clear to you that the other side either doesn't sees your life objectives in the same light, or clearly doesn't give a dam for them.

When you show your interest for some aspect, like a spiritual search and receive a put down, a sneer or a bad joke, what are you feelings? Utter loneliness, that's it!

The path to desperation begins with this lonely experience; then it develops into the "feeling of being always alone even in permanent company." This marriage is an empty shell where both sides are following different paths that don't touch each other.

How easy or difficult is to bridge this gap? Well, good, sincere communication is a key part of it.

It has been said that marriage is the last chance we have to grow up. Not only into the predetermined roles our social environment demands from us, because being man or woman. It is also regarding the expectations we have for our own lives. What were you born to do? What is your life mission?

Then, what helps is to have a "contract" with our loved one to share with him/her our personal project and set goals to be pursued...not relegating those dreams to the attic of memory, but as an active part of the relationship.

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I can hear you saying: isn't it making a marriage too similar to a business relationship, complete with a contract and all?

Well, in a sense "contract" here means the explicit sharing of personal, individual goals that were important to us before we got together in a permanent relationship, and so need to be included and respected. If we try to fit our personalities into the gender roles (he as provider, she as the nurturer) this will cover up and diminish the importance of individual goals.

These goals and aspirations were our mindset before marriage, and will be there after marriage...is a mistake to believe that marriage will change them automatically, because they are part of who we are.

Negotiating these individual goals into a shared set of common goals is what makes a marriage healthy and successful. If this conversation about where do you want to go and be and experience, and where I want to go and be and experience never takes place, we are cheating each other from the basic help to support the other to fulfill his/ her life mission.

So, now, the question is: how much do you know about your spouse's life mission? And how clear are you about the kind of support your loved one needs from you?

Don't be afraid, this support will not take this person away from you; you don't need to smother any of his/her aspirations with control or sarcasm. Your relationship will be based on the reality of each partner's goals and aspirations, and stronger because of the agreement both will make to help both achieve them.

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Your marriage just endured a disastrous event. It might be death of your child or a loved one. Injury after a car accident or a natural disaster has left one of you incapable of functioning on a normal level. The stress that the marriage is under at those times is very difficult for couples to deal with.

Some couples have a real hard time communicating their hurts and disappointments to each other. They keep it all to themselves and shut themselves in and isolate themselves from their partner. If the hurt was deep they might go in to depression and let their marriage just deteriorate. Your world is falling apart, but there are steps that you need to take to save your marriage from disaster.

You need to understand that men and women deal with disaster in a different way. Some people hold everything in and other people just want to talk about it. Understanding the difference of how people deal with grieving it will help you to understand how to save your marriage. Just know that your spouse will not react the same way you do and the pain that they are dealing with has nothing to do with you, it just a way for them to process what has happened to them.

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To help you deal with what has happened you need to seek advice from a marriage counselor that will help with your grief and will help to guide you to make your marriage stronger. Your marriage should not fall apart because you were dealt a devastating blow. Remember to, that time heals many things, so give yourself some time to get back to normal and don't give up on your marriage.

Here are some things that might help you get thought this tough time:

1. Talk to your spouse and agree that you are going to help each other through this tough time. When one is having a bad day the other will be their support.

2. If you are ready to talk to other people about your loss, you might be ready to join a support group of people that went through a similar experience. Talk to your friends and family that will understand and will be able to give you support.

3. Spend time with fun people that make you laugh, see a funny movie or a sitcom. Laughing will make you feel better and you will be able to forget your pain.

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I get a lot of correspondence from wives whose husbands have requested "space" or time apart. Understandably, the wives are often reluctant to give the space because they're worried that once he leaves, he'll never come back. I often hear comments like "I want to let him have his time, but I'm worried that once he walks out that door, he'll never come home and our marriage will be over." Or "I'm afraid that his asking for space really means that he wants out and if I comply with this, I'm really just letting him go without a fight."

I understand these concerns as I had them in my own life. But, typically refusing to give the space is a worse call than just complying but setting boundaries and setting up the break to help rather than hurt your marriage. I will discuss this more in the following article.

If You Refuse To Give Your Husband Space, You Run The Risk Of Him Taking It Anyway Or Of Making His Already Negative Perceptions Even Worse: Many wives will try to take the strategy of attempting to convince the husband that he really doesn't need or want the time away. Much of the time, this backfires because in many cases, the second you try to convince someone that they don't really want something, then suddenly they want it that much more and they begin to wonder what you're so afraid of.

I know it's very tempting to endlessly debate this, but if you paint yourself as someone who is an adversary on this topic, suddenly you've drawn a line in the sand and you're on opposing sides. Now, rather than working together with your husband, he potentially sees you as someone who is thwarting a request that could potentially offer some relief to his situation. This would likely only reinforce his suspicion that he might be better off outside of this relationship. If your marriage is already on shaky ground, this isn't your best case scenario.

Setting Up The Break So That It Helps The Marriage Rather Than Hurts It: One of the biggest mistakes that I see couples make in this situation is that they don't talk about how the break is going to work or what they want to be accomplished as the result of it. The husband will just sort of leave with an open ended time line with both people assuming that they are just going to "wait and see" how things go.

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This strategy can bring about a lot of misunderstandings and missteps. You are often better off defining how this is going to work before the "space" is actually given. And this conversation should happen at a time when you can calmly discuss things before the emotions and the doubt kicks in once the "space" is actually taken. You want to leave things on a positive note and you won't to both be clear on what's going to happen.

Also, if possible, you can always offer to be the one to leave or to offer the space within your own home. Perhaps you just stay with friends for a week. Or, he can move to another area of your house where you swear you will not bother him unless he seeks you out. With this alternative, you have much more control over the situation and you don't have to worry about actually luring him back to the home.

Setting It Up So That He Willingly Wants To Come Back After Taking His Space: As I've alluded to, the biggest fear that wives have in this situation is that their husband is never going to come back to them once he gets a taste of having time away. That's why how you play this situation is absolutely vital to the outcome.

While he's away, you need for him to begin to miss you and think of you in a positive way. Ultimately, you want for him to realize that he's happier with you than without you. But, this is less likely to happen if you're always displaying fear and the worst side of yourself during the break. A woman who worries that she isn't alluring enough for her husband to want to come home to her is not going to appear as attractive as the one who is confident that she's meant to be with her husband and that everything will work out.

The thing is, you have more tools than you might know. You already have the knowledge of those things that made your husband fall in love with you and desire you before. You know what he best responds to and you know what he loves (and does not love) about you. Don't hesitate to use this knowledge. Be careful of what you are allowing him to see and what you are portraying over the break.

You want for him to see a woman who is strong, secure, confident, busy, and coping. (And you want him to know that you too are taking advantage of the break.) You don't want to be the woman who is constantly calling, laying on the guilt, and begging him to come home. All of these things will bring out negative emotions in him and will make it less likely that he wants to come back and work things out. Always remember what it is that you really want.

I know that giving your husband space can be extremely scary and can feel like a real risk. But, often the real risk is in placing yourself on opposing sides as your husband. When you do this, he usually wants to get away even more. If you can establish some control over what he perceives during the time away, you'll likely get a much better result and your relationship will be better off than when you try to convince your husband to change his mind and stay because of your fear.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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