Research indicates that children would rather be yelled at than ignored. When prisoners are being punished, they are put in isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshest punishments there is - other than physical abuse.The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way to attempt to ... Views: 9847
"Why do men so often change after sex?" asked Shelley in our first phone session. "Tell me what you mean by this. What has been your experience?" I asked her."I meet a guy who I like. We are very attracted to each other - lots of great chemistry. It doesn't take long ... Views: 9916
"When it is helpful to apologize?" asked Patricia, a client of mine, in one of our phone sessions. Her husband, Brent, often expected her to apologize and she was confused about when it was appropriate. The answer to this question is a little complex, because there are two different ... Views: 3898
Many years ago, when I became a psychotherapist, all I knew was the traditional psychotherapy that I had learned in school, and that I had personally experienced with many different therapists and many different forms of therapy. For 18 years I practiced what I had learned, and I was never happy ... Views: 4655
Some people believe that it is caring to point out their partner's flaws - that it will help to make that person a better person. But the intent behind pointing out flaws is not loving - it is controlling.Pointing Out FlawsBy pointing out flaws, you hope that your partner will let go of the ... Views: 16960
What is a high maintenance relationship? A high maintenance relationship is when someone is making you responsible for him or her in various different areas of life. Emotional High MaintenanceWhen a person takes no responsibility for their own feelings of safety, security, worth, lovability, ... Views: 13952
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***Anger Power - by Margaret Paul, Ph.D., the Official Guide to Love
Does anger have power? Are you being powerful when you are angry? The answers to these questions depend on what you mean by power. Certainly you can intimidate many people with your anger - especially children or others who are physically weaker than you, or people who are terrified of ... Views: 4151
"Why would my boyfriend cheat on me?""I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me. I want to know why.""I know that my husband has been cheating on me for years. I don't get why he does this."Why do people cheat on their partners? Why do others have affairs that their ... Views: 5609
"I feel like giving up," Emma told me in our first phone session. "I've worked and worked on myself and I'm still miserable. I've had years of therapy and I still feel unbearably depressed. Nothing is working.""It sounds to me like you are abandoning ... Views: 4980
"Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother."But what if your father and mother didn't honor you? What if instead of loving and honoring you they physically, sexually and emotionally abused you? What if you were scared every day of your growing up years? And what if, when you finally grow up and ... Views: 4852
"Why don't I have friends?" asked Isabella in one of our phone counseling sessions.Isabella, 25 and very attractive, was having a problem that many people have. Sometimes, if people don't keep their high school friends or meet friends in college or at work, they may have trouble making ... Views: 4741
The Encarta World English Dictionary defines "confidence" as "a belief or self-assurance in your ability to succeed."We all know people who appear to be very confident professionally, yet when it comes to personal relationships, appear to be very insecure.Personal confidence ... Views: 4389
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***"I Feel Empty" - by Margaret Paul, Ph.D., The Official Guide to Love
If you feel empty, you are not alone in feeling this way.Many people feel empty inside, and most people who feel empty have some deep false beliefs regarding why they feel empty. Below are some of these false beliefs.I feel empty because:• My partner is not giving me ... Views: 9966
What is Emotional Dependency?Lydia consulted with me because her relationship with her husband, Andrew, was falling apart. Andrew had moved out, stating that he could no longer tolerate Lydia's neediness and constant pull on him to make her feel loved and secure. Now that they were separated, ... Views: 7317
Years ago, when on a book tour for our book, "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", my ex-husband and I had dinner with a couple on the East Coast with whom he had become friends. I connected with Allison (not her real name) immediately. Warm and open, I could see that she was ... Views: 5341
Lindsay called me for counseling because her boyfriend of 18 months had just ended their relationship. Lindsay, 28, had been sure that Jake was "Mr. Right.""I am so heartbroken," sobbed Lindsay. "I don't know how I’m going to get through this. It feels like my ... Views: 5780
"I can have a really great day, but when I wake up the next morning I feel anxious. Sometimes the better day I've had, the more anxious I am the next morning. I can't figure it out."
I hear this over and over from my clients. What is happening here?
The Tyranny of the Ego Wounded ... Views: 6974
What is life REALLY all about? It's all about love!
But what does this mean?
Most people, when thinking about love, think about BEING LOVED. But, as an adult, the deeper soul's journey is not about being loved - it is about BEING LOVING. For small children, the main focus is on being loved, ... Views: 3595
In 1974, Dr. Virginia Satir presented the concept of mirroring in her groundbreaking book, "Conjoint Family Therapy."
In 1975 Dr. Thomas Gordon wrote a best-selling book called "Parent Effectiveness Training." In the book he taught parents to "active listen," which ... Views: 4002
"He is always blaming me for the bad things that happen in his life, and then he tells me it's my controlling him that is making him so angry. He yells at me and puts me down rather than deal with his own feelings. How can I get him to see that he is the one trying to control me? How can I ... Views: 3947
I was recently at home of a friend's daughter and she had affirmations taped on the walls everywhere.
"Are these helpful to you?" I asked.
"Not really," she answered. "I do them all the time but they don't seem to be doing anything. I've read about the law of ... Views: 4583
"We 'love' another in order to get something ourselves….There can be no greater mistake than that, for love is incapable of asking for anything." -- A Course in Miracles
"Love is incapable of asking for anything." Wow! Take a moment to think about that ... Views: 2933
Which statement do you believe is the most true?
Happiness brings you financial successFinancial success brings you happinessYou might be surprised to learn that research suggests the first statement to be the most true.
Again, which statement to you believe is the most true?
Happiness is ... Views: 5708
Take a moment right now to think about your real intention when it comes to love:
Is it most important to you to get someone to love you - to get love?
Is it more important to you to be a loving person - to give love to yourself and others?At any moment, you have one of these two intentions, ... Views: 3321
Most people would love to have "real love," yet often they have no idea what real love is. Take a moment to think about how you would define real love.
Defining love is like defining a particular color to a person who has never been able to see color - you have to feel it know what it is. ... Views: 3285
James, in his middle 30s, was ready to meet his life partner, get married and have children. After dating many women, he met Cindy.
"She is really beautiful, although I'm not sure she's my type. But I think she is perfect for me. We have the same interests, the same values, we go to the ... Views: 3204
Would the prince have chosen Cinderella to marry if she was a miserable young woman? If her stepsisters were beautiful but miserable, would he have chosen either of them?
Are you living under the delusion that when you meet your soul mate you will finally be happy - that your misery is because ... Views: 17963
Some say that the purpose of life is to seek happiness.
Is happiness the purpose, or is happiness the result of another purpose? Is happiness the meaning of life, or is happiness the result of discovering what has heart and meaning for you?
There is not one right answer to this question. The ... Views: 5302
Marianne consulted with me because of anxiety and depression. She had tried various forms of medication but was not reacting well to any of the drugs. She was exhausted from lack of sleep, and from the intense anxiety that kept waking her up. While there were challenges in her life, like in ... Views: 4357
"The more tranquil a [person] becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom." --James Allen, 1864-1912, Author of As A Man Thinketh
Of all the challenges in life, calmness of mind is probably one of ... Views: 5959
How often have you become irritated or angry, given yourself up, started to argue or debate, teach or explain, or withdrew when someone was treating you badly - ordering you around, judging you, blaming you, or dumping their complaints or negativity on you? How often have you behaved in any of ... Views: 3901
Bobbie and Mac sought me out for couples counseling because they were on the verge of divorce - after 25 years of marriage. Both had years of counseling, yet they could not find their way through their relationship problems.
Bobbie described her experience of their relationship:
"I love Mac ... Views: 2676
Sharon, one of the members of our website, emailed me asking me to write more on abuse, particularly covert incest. She was in the process of ending her 4-year marriage with her covertly abusive husband, who is emotionally incestuous with his adult daughter.
"There is no physical involvement, ... Views: 3778
I often have the experience of someone showing up at one of my 5-day Inner Bonding Intensives and presenting themselves as "all together", or "fine."
"I'm not sure why I'm here," they state. "I really don't know what to work on. I've been through years of therapy and to a ton of workshops and ... Views: 3258
"I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else." - Winston Churchill
When you notice your thoughts, which kind of thoughts predominate? Do you find yourself often thinking pessimistic thoughts such as:
I'll never get where I want to go. I'm a loser.I'm not smart enough to ... Views: 5916
"A woman who I was dating and who I really liked ended our relationship and is dating someone else. I see her all the time at the market and I feel like yelling at her."
"I keep vowing not to, but I keep getting really angry at my husband when he is distant."
"I lost my temper with my ... Views: 2145
Think about the last time you had a conflict with someone and you argued - with your partner, your friend, your parent, your child, or someone else in your life.
What did you argue about, and why did you spend your energy arguing or fighting?
Reasons for Arguing and Fighting
Here are some of ... Views: 3018
What do you believe about failure?
The ego wounded part of ourselves, the left-brain part of ourselves that has been programmed with many false beliefs, often believes that:
"If I fail, I am a failure."
"If I fail, I am stupid."
"If I fail, no one will like me or value me."
"If I fail, then ... Views: 2750
Inner peace and joy are spiritual gifts. The gifts of Spirit enter the heart when we make the choices we need to make to be available to them. What are these choices?
Presence
Peace and joy exist in this present moment - not in the past or future. If you are in your left-brain ego programmed ... Views: 3197
"We lift ourselves by our thought. If you want to enlarge your life, you must first enlarge your thought of it and of yourself. Hold the ideal of yourself as you long to be, always everywhere."
--Orison Sweet Marden, 1850-1924, Author and Founder of Success Magazine
How do you see yourself in ... Views: 2586
How often have you eaten something that you know is going to put weight on you and you tell yourself that it doesn't count? Do you have any idea how many calories you actually consume in a day, and how many you need to lose weight or to maintain weight? Is it possible that you think you are not ... Views: 2859
If you are a junk food junkie or you often don't eat well and are unconcerned with health and nutrition, why is this? Everyday we read about or see on TV how sugar, soft drinks, many kinds of fats, fried foods, factory farmed foods, devitalized, packaged and processed food, pesticide laden food, ... Views: 3209
Take a moment to think about who you blame for your feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, aloneness, emptiness, loneliness, helplessness, inadequacy, shame, depression, anxiety, fear, and so on. What is really going on inside when you blame someone else for your feelings?
Many people have a ... Views: 3098
"...telling children they're smart...made them feel dumber and act dumber."
--Mindset, by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., p.74
In her extraordinary book, Mindset, Dr. Carol S. Dweck presents research that, hopefully, will change the course of parenting and education. In one of her research studies, ... Views: 2510
"Sooner or later, all of us must see that negative feelings toward another person is like tossing dust at him while the wind blows against us. It all comes back."
--Vernon Howard, Psycho-Pictography
Negative emotions, such as anger, blame, resentment, misery, jealousy, hurt, guilt, shame, and ... Views: 2718
Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents, educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", the old adage, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will ... Views: 5223
As social beings, our desire for connection is a deep and powerful force within us. Babies who do not experience connection with a caregiver do not thrive or may even die. Deep connection with another is one of the greatest joys in life.
Yet for many people, this deep and joyous connection ... Views: 2693
Is your marriage in trouble?
The first question you need to ask yourself is: "Do I want to save this marriage or do I want to leave it?" If the answer is that you want to save it, then this article is for you.
Following are 7 rules or choices that you can make to completely change the course ... Views: 3271
William grew up with a mother who was depressed much of her life. As the oldest of three children with a father who was not around much, William took on a lot of responsibility for his mother's wellbeing. He grew up as a kind and caring man, believing that he was responsible for another's ... Views: 3057
Many people have the ability to truly care and receive joy when caring from the heart. Yet even very caring people sometimes find themselves using caring as a form of control.
Take a moment right now to think about a situation today in which you were caring - at home, at work, with a friend, ... Views: 2331