A Plethora of Problems

Doc:

I have been dating my girlfriend for the past 14 months, and we have endured many situations. The one I need help with is her past. She has told me she has been with 7 guys prior to me. She originally told me 6, but I found out and not from her it was 7. She didn't tell me because I know the guy. It does not bother me that she was with him, but it makes me feel as if she is not forthcoming with the rest of her past. I have read all the similar posts and people say I shouldn't judge her based on her past. It is hard not to when I feel like there may be something that I am not prepared to deal with. The only reason I feel I need to know is because I have not been able to trust her. I have my own insecurities that I am well-aware of and made her aware of, but me not being able to trust her has never gone away.

The major insecurity that affects me is something I think about almost every day. When I was 9 my mother had a nervous breakdown when she found out that my father had cheated on her. It has become an issue some 15 years later as now the other woman recently sued him for backed child support and won. The woman my father cheated on my mother with was a Puerto Rican woman, my girlfriend is a Puerto Rican woman also. I definitely see the mental issue there.

I am Irish and this is only the second time I have ever dated outside of my race. My girlfriend on the other hand has never dated within her race. I am not very fond of every nationality and this bothers me to an extent but the longer I stay with her the more accepting of everyone I become.

For a long time she stayed in contact with her childhood boyfriend who she always would crawl back to when her relationships failed. He treated her miserably cheating on her at every chance he could. After meeting me she told me she met her future husband and would kill to make it come true. She stayed in contact with him until I understood the situation and told her it made me uncomfortable. She then totally dropped him off the face of the earth. She tried to make a case for him remaining in her life as a friend, which I responded to by saying it's him or me. She chose me without batting an eyelash.

She has recently started talking heavily about marriage. At first I was very open to the idea, but everything now seems to scream no at me because I always feel she will eventually cheat on me. Originally I thought this because our sex life wasn't good. We had sex often. After the first month, we had sex 3-6 times every day for 3 months straight. Believe it or not the sex was bad, but I'm a guy and will never turn it down. Since then however sex has become better and better and I know it's because I have expressed concerns to her and we are working towards clearing some things up. I no longer have concerns about sex because I can make her orgasm almost on command, and this is a huge confidence booster because she has told me no one other than herself has ever made her orgasm before.

Now that you have a good understanding of my relationship, I must ask. Why after all this time do I still feel like she will cheat on me? She is with me 90% of most days. Is it her past that bothers me or mine? I am at a crossroad where I feel I either get married and tough it out over time or move on now. I really love her and am happy with her when these thoughts don't enter my head.

Please help!!!

Hello!

Damn dude! You have a lot of issues going on here!

You blame your inability to trust her on her past. That's absolutely not the case. You can't trust her because of your own insecurities - nothing else. More on this in a minute.

I'm very glad to hear that you're getting more tolerate of other races and I'll bet what you're finding is simply that everyone - regardless of where their families originated from - are just like everyone else.

Every one of us wants the same things in life. We all have the same ridiculous foibles, do the same dumb things, have great aspirations, love alike, etc. I'll tell you this: I answer these questions from people quite literally from all over the globe and believe me: everyone has the same, exact issues everyone else does. It doesn't matter what part of the world they come from.

Regarding marriage; yes, I agree that you don't want to begin thinking about marriage until after you get these other problems solved. Marriage rarely makes a relationship better. As I constantly say, there aren't too many divorces, there are too many marriages!

Regarding sex; I want you to start thinking differently about it. Having sex 3-6 times a day doesn't make sex "good". In fact, you're exchanging quantity for quality. I'm glad things are getting better - as they should be. However, the responsibility lies entirely on your shoulders!

When people write to me complaining about their lousy sex lives, I have to point out the obvious: it's YOUR responsibility to make your sex life as rich and exciting as you deserve. Yes, your girlfriend or wife has her responsibilities here too, but if you don't help to teach her what you want (assuming instead that she should just "know") you're not doing yourself - or anyone else she'll ever sleep with in her life - any favors.

Things are only getting better because you're working to make them better. Don't stop now!

Back to the first point: trust.

You're making the classic mistake here of assuming that it's her and her past or experience or what she says or does or anything else that's responsible for whether you trust her or not. That's ridiculous. Absolutely nothing about her has anything to do with your trust.

No doubt you've heard the old saying, "You have to love yourself before someone else can love you"? Well, it works just like that for trust too!

You have to trust YOURSELF before you can trust anyone else. The reality is that you don't trust yourself to deal with the things in your relationship and instead, are trying to take the easy road here by off-loading that responsibility onto your girlfriend. You're expecting her to do and say all the right things so that you can trust her.

The problem with this is that with that direction, you'll never trust her because you don't trust yourself to make good decisions or to deal with issues that come up.

Think about this: do you "trust her" to get something from the store if she promises to? Do you "trust her" to pick you up from the airport if she says she will?

Of course you do!

WHY???

Simple: you can go get your damn milk from the store and you can call a cab to get you home from the airport if she didn't step up.

The problem in your relationship is that you don't believe you can handle things that come up. Thus, you want her to have to jump through all the right hoops to MAKE you feel safe and secure. The problem is; that's not her job, nor can she ever do all the right things. You'll constantly be looking for something new to prove our your own insecurities.

No relationship can survive that - trust me.

You've got to get a handle on this. It has absolutely nothing to do with her past. You have a past too. So what if she's been with 8 or 9 or 100 other guys? That doesn't mean shit! What's important - and the only thing you should be paying attention to - is that she's working hard to make you happy. I don't care what her nationality or past or ability to climax during sex are. I don't even care what she says to you.

None of these things mean anything compared with her actions. Her actions are telling you everything you need to know.

This is the time to get in front of these ridiculous, unnecessary insecurities you have. If you don't they are going to tear this otherwise great relationship apart. Then, they'll do that to the next one and the next one after that.

YOU are in control here.

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.