Relationships: Why Do People Who Fear Being Abandoned End Up With People Who Fear Being Smothered?

While there will be times when someone will want to be around others, there will also be times when they want to be by themselves. And as to how long someone will spend in the company of others or in their own company can depend on a number of factors.

Human beings are not all the same and this means that it is to be expected that they will have the need to experience life differently. For example, one person might have a greater need to be around others and another person might have a greater need to be by themselves.

In A Relationship

As a result of this, the first person may want to be with someone who wants to be around others as much as they do. Yet the second person may want to be in a relationship with someone who also likes their own space.

Through matching up in these ways, there could be a greater chance of them having a relationship that is fulfilling. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they will both be on the same wavelength, so to speak.

The Ideal

It could be said that this will be the ideal scenario, and through having a relationship like this, it will be easier for them to get their needs met. However, this is not to say that their relationship will always be this way, as there could be times where their behaviour changes.

One person might need more space than they usually do, or they might feel the need to be around their partner more. They can then talk to their partner about what is taking place for them and it should then be possible for them to take care of their needs.

The Reason

When this happens, it could mean that one person is going through a challenging time in their life and they may then feel the need to spend more time with their partner. Or they might have a lot of work to do, it could then be necessary for them to have more space.

But regardless of why they will need to have more contact or more time alone, this will be done in such as way that their partner will understand what is going on. There is then no need for any drama to appear.

A Conscious Relationship

One way of looking at this would be to say that it will be a conscious relationship and there is then going to be less chance of them coming to the wrong conclusions. The alternative would be for one person to just pull away without explaining why or for the other person to come on too strong for no apparent reason.

If the former was to occur, it would probably cause the other person to wonder if they have done something wrong, and if the latter was to occur, it may cause the other person to feel the need to get away. It would then no longer be a conscious relationship; it would end up being an unconscious relationship.

A Common Occurrence

This is a dynamic that often takes place when one person has a fear of being abandoned and another person has a fear of being smothered. Each person can then react as opposed to taking the time to respond.

What this comes down to is that through having these fears, it is going to be a challenge for them to act consciously. Although one person may feel as though the other person is trying to harm them; their behaviour will simply be a way for them to protect themselves.

The Complete Opposite

If might be hard for someone to understand why these two people would end up together; especially as their needs are so different. One person needs more space than the other, so it is inevitable that there will be problems.

On one hand, there will be the person who can’t get enough space and on the other hand, there will be the person who is unable to get enough contact. But the more the one person pulls away, the closer the other person will want to be.

The Logical Scenario

It would be better for the person who needs space to be with another person who also needs space and for the person who needs more contact to be with someone else who needs just as much contact. But while it would seem as though this would be the ideal scenario, it wouldn’t work either.

At a deeper level, each of them has the same fear as the other person, and this is partly why they are drawn to each other. Through coming into contact with each other, it allows them to experience the level of closeness that they feel comfortable with.

At A Deeper Level

So while the person who fears being abandoned acts as though they want to be with someone, at a deeper level they fear being smothered. And even though the other person acts as though they fear being smothered, at a deeper level they fear being abandoned.

Therefore, until they take the time to deal with what they are aware of as well as what they are generally unaware of; it is not going to be possible for them to have a fulfilling relationship. The reason they are experiencing life in this way is likely to be due to what happened during their childhood.

Early Years

When one fears being smothered, their early years are likely to have been a time where their needs were, rarely, if ever met. And through being neglected, their caregiver wouldn’t have been in tune with their needs, and this means it they did receive attention; it would have been the wrong kind of attention.

It would have been hard for them to be abandoned, but this wouldn’t have been as bad as it would be for them to feel as though they were being annihilated. On the other hand, when one fears being abandoned, their early years may have been a time where their needs were met, but this wouldn’t have happened on a consistent basis, and to be abandoned at this age would have felt like the end of the world.

The care they were given by their caregiver would have been the kind of care they needed and this shows they were in tune with their developmental needs. However, as this didn’t happen often enough, they would have also have feared being smothered.

Awareness

In order for them to heal themselves, it will be important for them to work through the fear of being abandoned, and the fear of being smoothed. The primary difference is that one person will find it easier to face the first fear and the other will find it easier for face the second fear.

Through being abandoned, they are likely to be carrying trapped grief in their body, as well as other emotions. And through being smothered, they are likely to be carrying trauma.
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One way to process the grief that is within them will be to cry it out and this can also be a way to release the other emotions. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group and they can also help them to work through the trauma that is within them.