Marriage is never easy. No one agrees to a lifetime of partnership expecting constant marital bliss without compromise. When you took your wedding vows and became a wife, you promised loyalty and faithfulness to your husband, for better or for worse.
And yet, though you have originally believed wholeheartedly in your capacity to stay true, unexpected situations have risen and you have strayed off the right course.
Getting over an affair is a balancing act, with you and your husband on opposite ends of the pole.
You might be reading this hoping to learn a step-by-step guide to fixing your marriage. If so, be warned that no simple solution exists. You have to work at it from all angles and at all times, without any breaks. Feeling overwhelmed? Here are some ideas to help you repair the breach.
Ask yourself: “Do I want to keep my husband?” Think long and hard before answering yes, and don’t go back on your word. Indecision is poisonous to a difficult journey such as this. You have to understand that a second chance is a fragile gift, so if you’re planning on returning it, you might as well not take it in the first place.
The other party should be completely removed from your life. Cut communications and avoid accidental meet-ups by changing your normal routes, and once you’ve had your closure, don’t accept further requests for “final conversations.” This will come up a lot, but remember that as long as the other party has free communication with you, your husband will remain distrustful of you.
Your soul will need to be ready for any negative developments. While the memory of the issue remains clear in his mind, your husband will be prone to irritability and might say things he doesn’t mean. You have to stay strong to push through.
You need to loosen up your schedule to allow for some quality time with your husband, even if this means only watching TV together. Both of you need to re-familiarize yourselves with each other, and this is not done through big gestures alone. In fact, mundane things are very important in maintaining healthy relationships, according to The Daily Mail.
The biggest loss when you’ve had an affair and cheated on your husband is that of trust. Since it’s the hardest thing to regain, you must put all your energy into avoiding situations where your husband will be put on the spot of choosing whether or not to trust you. This means staying clear of nights out where he’ll end up speculating about the people you meet or after-office dinners that will make him jealous of your time.
Sometimes, what your husband needs is time alone. Not all solutions require constant action, so give him the space he needs to avoid appearing clingy and desperate. These didn’t look good in the courtship phase, and it most certainly will not help now.
Even when he becomes a bit bratty and moody, you have to stay strong. You are, after all, in the wrong, and as explained by WebMD's article on the same issue, you should accept the effects of the issue on your man. He just doesn’t know how to handle the pain right now, though he won’t stay like this forever.
Making rules will be your husband’s way of reestablishing control, so you have to accept them if you truly want to give him his status as your partner back. However, do so only if they aren’t debasing and do not stop you from going through your normal life. If they go too far or too long, you have the right to speak up.
In essence, it should be like you’re wooing your husband. And why not? This is a fresh start for your marriage. Both of you know that getting over an affair is like restarting a broken machine, so go through it like a new romance. Get to know him again — try to figure out what he likes and doesn’t like. It might not appear to be so, but this is what he’s also trying to do with you.
Once in a while, test the waters and try to see if your husband is starting to trust you again. Engage in the things that both of you enjoy and stay alert. If you see that he’s quick to smile, then it’s a sign that you’ve gained ample ground and you’re doing this correctly. If not, then review your previous actions and try to remember what caused him to lighten up around you, and repeat those things.
You have made your decision to repair the damage to your marriage, and you knew beforehand it wasn’t going to be easy. Now you see it isn’t impossible either. Preparing yourself for all possibilities is necessary, because even with the perfect attitude and with unwavering commitment, things might not turn out okay. But the greatest reward is a reawakened passion for each other.
You have to remember that the point is not to put things back the way they used to be because the way they used to be resulted to this issue in the first place. The point is to fix the broken mast so your ship can continue sailing, much like how new couples do: with newfound trust and anticipation for good things to come.
But these are only a few ideas for getting over an affair. A lot of people out there are going through the same problem and are in need of some good advice. Care to share your story or opinion?
C Mellie Smith knows firsthand the pain of betrayal. At Infidelity Healing her mission is to help couples overcome infidelity and restore their relationship. Visit: http://infidelityhealing.com/ to get started.